I have had a fear of driving for as long as I can remember actually caring about driving. At 15, I wasn't excited about my 16th birthday, I was nervous because everyone would ask me "you going to get your permit?" and I would feel nervous and uncomfortable. At 16-17, the questions continued, and finally I went and got my permit at a few days shy of 18. I barely drove even then, and when I did, I hated it. When it was close to time for my permit to expire, I stepped it up some and began driving more so I could take my driving test. Then I broke my arm and had an excuse not to drive or go for my license, and my permit expired. It took my another year after that to get a new one, because "My permit is expired" was a good excuse to not drive.

I hate driving so much. I shake, sweat, get all tingly, gag, sometimes have panic attacks or cry. I sometimes feel like I'm going to pass out. Because I feel like that, I avoid driving, which in turns makes me more scared. When I drive I feel like its not even me driving and have this feeling like the car will suddenly swerve into traffic and I won't be able to stop. As I get older, its becoming more and more of a challenge to keep up. I recently became a supervisor and transferred to a new hospital within my company, and they all have no idea I can't drive. I tell them my boyfriend and I share a car (pretty much true - I help with gas/insurance since he drives me everywhere and I make more money) and that he wants to use the car during the day so he drops me off (partially true - he works nights so does often visit with friends or run errands during the day). They all assume I have my license though and just don't drive, and I let them. I tell them "I hate driving" and they except this but I still feel like I'm living a lie. I'm a grown up now, with a management job and a second part time job in the evening.

I can't pin point anything that has made me feel this way. I never had any huge horrible experience with driving that made me feel this way, a few small things may have helped. For example, my sister and I were in a minor accident when she first got her drivers license, my first time driving another driver got out of their car and yelled at me, and my mother was very nervous and short with me while trying to teach me, while my father was the opposite and never gave any real direction. However, I don't really think that's where this started. None of those things really upset me all that much, but Its beginning to be a real problem.

A couple of times my boyfriend has fallen asleep and not picked me up, and its so embarrassing plus then I'm stranded at work. I've tried busing but its kind of unsafe in my neighborhood, and I've gotten rides from other people in the past but I always feel like I'm bugging people. I can't keep this up and its causing stress in every aspect of my life. I feel so ashamed of myself. This one thing is making my depression 1000x worse. I literally have no reason to get out of bed some days, because its not like I can go anywhere or do anything with out being able to drive. My boyfriend is willing to teach me to drive but doesn't exactly know how to help because its not as simple for me as "get behind the wheel and start driving". I'm sick of the fear and really want to form a plan of action to get driving, but even just typing all this made me feel nervous, nauseous and lightheaded!

Has anyone else experienced this or have any advice on this? I plan on posting here on this subject one I have my "plan of action" kind of to keep my accountable and on the right track. I don't know if it will help, I mean, have a permit that expires doesn't seem to have helped.

Sorry this is so very long winded!