Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Another rough night. I feel like my life is going to be this way forever. I can't handle this stuff anymore. I think I might cut again tonight when I get home. I was going to last night, but my roommate was awake when I got home and I couldn't get away without it being obvious (she knows). So I feel stuck. I feel overwhelmed. I feel so...scared and confused and hopeless. I feel like one of my clients. Maybe social work isn't the right field for me. Maybe it is too triggering. Maybe I made a mistake and I shouldn't do this. Maybe I shouldn't even be alive. I have very few people to talk to anymore and no one that does talk to me knows how to help. No one can help. I see my therapist tomorrow, but I don't know that I can wait that long. I really think I might just have to cut tonight. My stomach is in knots and I feel so sick. I can't get away from this client (read my previous posts to get up to speed) and he triggers me every night. I feel like if I stay in this job much longer I will kill myself. And if I did quit, I'd have to give my 2 weeks, so I'm stuck here for another 2 weeks regardless. I don't want to be the person who just quits and doesn't do it the "right" way. I don't know what to do. I'm scared of this client, but I'm more scared of myself. I just want to cut and then die.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Please help your daughter Nicole. She is in so much pain and needs you now more than ever. I pray that you will touch her heart right now, and help her feel some kind of peace. I pray that you will send your angels to watch over her, RIGHT NOW. Please let her know how valuable she is and that although life here on Earth is painful, she is here for a reason. Please give her insight and hope. Please wrap your loving arms around her and let her feel you. Let her feel your tender heart and understand how much she is loved. I pray that she will not go home and cut tonight. Let her know that You are with her, even if she doesn't feel You. I pray that you give her wisdom and strength to leave her job and find an even better one. Please help her cope with her pain. It may not be overnight, but I believe you have the power to heal. Through family, friends, and even strangers. We know you work through people Lord. Please touch her heart right now. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
I never made a lift threatening cut though, because that defeated my purpose to feel alive. I'm only telling you this because it was decades ago, and though sometimes even to this day I get the urge sometimes, I never allow myself to do it, because I made only one rule about cutting to myself.
I was allowed to do it to feel alive, to process my pain to stay alive until I could learn how to process some other way. I was not allowed to pick up a blade, or pin or knife or whatever I had if I wanted to die.
I'm not saying it's the best thing to do, but it kept me alive until I go find a better way.
It worked for me why? I'll tell you. Because it was the only f@ckking thing I had control over. I was so tired of not being in control of everything, my feeling, my pain, my good times too. I had no control accept I could choose not to die.
so I did. and this was all before I freaking remembered my repressed life. So yeah, it got worse and the worse it got the more I needed to have some control.
I don't know if it will help you. but from the sounds of your pain tonight I don't think it can hurt you for me to tell you how I used it to stay alive.
I'm praying for you, and sending you my heart in type written box on my computer screen hoping it brings some comfort~
Nancy6464, I have never actually tried to kill myself. I don't think I will. And I know I need to reach out if I ever get to that point. And I think I would actually reach out. But the cutting, it doesn't make me feel alive really. It makes the pain inside go away. I have something else I have to focus on instead and clean up and care for. Thank you for the love.
Thoughts and prayers are with you ...that you may find the strength and courage