Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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Punkee 02/21/2008

meh. i dont even know why i subjected this post as that...if you came in here to read this because the title was catchy and youre looking for something to smile or laugh on...head warning..dont bother.
for those who are interested.. ugh. i suppose it doesnt matter.
i really dont think i matter anymore..
maybe i should be writing this all in my journal...maybe i'll put it there two.
anyway.
i just got home..from band rehersal at school...and since about..half-way through the rehersal..i wanted to hurt. cut, maybe. idk. idk if i could do it. i'd be hurting too many other people. but i wanted to hurt. i wanted to cry..
why you ask?
because i was laughed at. and im not even sure why...
the saxophone players to the right of me, chairs 1 and 2 (im third chair) turned to me...said my name "nicole......" and looked at me like i had 2 noses or something. theyre both seniors, whereas i am only a sophomore. but..then..they began to laugh..at me..and..im not sure why. they looked at each other..and i looked at myself while they were giggling at me...and i saw nothing wrong.. i felt like i was doing something that i was un-aware of that was absolutly hilarious to them...but as i continued to look, i found nothing out of the ordinary. so i looked back at them.. "did..i miss something?" they just laughed...and one of them nodded..they looked at each other..and the other one said "*giggle* nevermind" and we went on with rehersal...
why all that made me wanna cry..or hurt..idk.
i really dont know. but it made me look at things..and i started thinking..what were they laughing at..and..if it was something embarrassing..why wouldnt they tell me? if there was something wrong, something i needed to fix..why wouldnt they tell me? the least they could have done was just tell me..so i didnt have that thought in the back of my mind.. "ok..panic...what were they laughing at..."
really..this is why i think im not important anymore. like..am i not good enough to know things now? do i not deserve anything, as my father tells me? =/
idk. sorry..im not really trying to rant..
this just..has me upset =/
thanks for listening.

deleted_user 02/21/2008

That's not true what your Dad says to you. Don't believe it. It's good to vent.
*HUGS*

Punkee 02/21/2008

meh. i didnt believe it at first. but the more i hear things and see things and reactions from other people, like this one today...im starting to believe it.

Punkee 02/21/2008

...i suppose i wasnt really paying attention...i tend to write without thinking.
"maybe i'll put it there two."
that should be too**

deleted_user 02/21/2008

hey, don't get upset, I've been through high school, and it was so rough for me I graduated early to escape it, but I really didn't escape it the memories still haunted me. But I in band, and like you obviously one of the better ones, and seniors never looked happily upon younger players, and they do anything they can do to throw you off your game. Maybe you missed a note? we all do here and there, but they can be cruel, you're letting it hurt you too much. Easier said then done right? well yes it is, but look at it this way, you're a sophmore creaping up on their seat and they don't like it. So smile, be happy you can even play an instrument and the sax too, beautiful sound :)

Punkee 02/21/2008

i didnt miss a note...we werent even playing when it happend. i really wanna know what they were laughing at....and yea..the sax does have a beautiful sound. and im one of the better players. i love it.
their seniors. i'll be first chair next year..hopefully. and..idk. its bothering me.. a lot. the whole way home i was thinking "when i get home. im cutting" i got home.. and couldnt do it. i grabbed something to eat and then got on here. probably one of my better ideas.

deleted_user 02/21/2008

Yea, they were probably just trying to see if they could get the better of you. I played the flute, and just recently tried picking up the tenor, and if it makes you happy, don't worry about it, a few more months with them and they're gone, no need to deal with them no more. Just remember, physical cuts, though it may seem like a good idea at the time, could give them more to laugh at. Show them you're better and it doesn't bother you

deleted_user 02/21/2008

Hey those guys are jerks...highschool is full of them. I know that no matter what it will hurt your feelings, but don't let it think any less of yourself. They couldv'e been talking about a range of things concerning you, but of course it is only human to assume they were negative things.
Every good and respectable person has had moments like the one you described. Even the most beautiful of highschool girls go through it. People will always form opinions (even if they are innacurate)about others no matter what. The way you choose to act on these opinions shows your maturity.

Bottom Line: Dont let those assholes get you down. Honestly, when I was a senior I hated every single boy in my grade. They haven't even begun to grow up.

PS- you have the satisfaction of knowing that you would never want to hurt or embarass someone else like they did to you

Punkee 02/21/2008

but it DOES bother me...theyre 2 really nice, really amazing girls. this isnt something i'd expect them to normally do..

Punkee 02/21/2008

yes, but somehow..its not satisfying me. its like..a no satisfaction garantee... =/

deleted_user 02/21/2008

I'm sorry, what they did was cruel and very immature.

If it were me, I would just chalk it up to another 2 people not worth knowing.

You deserve to be happy and respected. ((((big hugs))))

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