It's 1972. I'm 9 years old.

Layla is playing on the radio.

My mother is having a nervous breakdown on couch. She is crying in such an intense way that the piano coda of Layla puts a magically haunting soundtrack to the moment.

I know that just yesterday her boyfriend was killed on his motorcycle. He was going to save her I guess. It's also seems like I felt the unrequited love right at that moment. The unrequited love from God. I didn't see angels helping my mom's breaking heart. I heard in that piano early on, a sign from God to get ready, I'm sending the same thing your way in an even more fucked up way. I'm going to drive you mad.

I think this is when I knew for sure that the moon did not follow us and that if my mom was losing it there must be scary things in this world that even a mom can't fight off. I felt alone for the first time in my 9 years. I felt death.

It's 2012.

Layla comes on Pandora.

The Layla not from the 90's, it was the piano coda from the 1972 version.

Suddenly I'm in my writing chair and finding myself bawling hysterically for what happened 40 years ago. No one understands I'm still that child. I'm maybe the color us Indigo I don't know..I do know there is something special going on with my brain. Sometimes...it scares the shit out of me. Doctors are scary. Hospitals are scary when your losing your mind. They add to your nightmares. They don't understand there is no pill to take away the first time you get scared as a child.

So 49 now. I'm trying to write this book of what happened to me and how I invented this cosmic man to sing and write poetry to me because my Dad was no where around. It was not his fault. He was controlled by my Mom. And he never recovered from my Mom leaving him. Died early in his sleep. I loved my Dad and even more now that he is gone. He is around me when I think about him. He comes that way, he use to love to scare me at 2. Terrify me by putting my mom's stockings on his face and coming from the dark kitchen as I watched the Monkee's on TV. If your anchor your Dad, thinks it's funny to take a peaceful 2 year old and get off on scaring the shit out her..just told me my Dad was trying to be fun, he just should have waited a bit til I grew up a bit more. It's ok Dad. That boy I told you about. He's here now to keep me on track cause when I get started down the river of words I never get back to the point. Thus this novel.

Dad, that boy I told you about, the one from my dreams, those dreams that I dreamt that really happened to him....I think he is special dad. He has been by far away Dad from really far away in another deminsion then later Dad, he popped into this deminsion and I lost my mind Dad. Doctors did bad things to me with drugs and locking me away. Daddy. Once a boy broke up with me after being together for a long long time. He knew I was sick. He knew. One moring while I was still in my slippers he told me to get out. I got mad cause he locked himself in the bedroom and would not talk to him. I made a mess on the floor. He called the Police. They took me to jail daddy. There was no one to save me. No one. I did nothing. I swore at Charlie for leaving me. I told him I would slash his tires and on that....they put me in an isolation cell where I shit in front of people that had no hearts looking through the tiny glass door window. On the list Dad, they actually checked on list if someone was mastaurbating . Can you imagine? Being sexually charged while caged. Oh my God Dad. I don't feelsafe anymore. I feel like that can happen again and again because I am sick and mentally ill as the courts define me.

I got postpartum depression after your grandchild was born. I got restless..Dad. That poet. That boy he keeps me on track. He defines my life. He has helped me through days wondering if something ever happened to my child and I had nothing to hold onto anymore...? Mom is gone. Mom hates my weakness..she pushed me down the stairs of my Grandmothers house at Christmas for crying. She is still beating me up for leaving my son for a romance in my head.

So here I am in Seattle. Living by a force of music. The only thing that has kept me alive. I had to find a cosmic father. I had to put someone in the unwitting position to keep me on the planet. To give me hope dad, now that your gone and I'm alone..Who else is there?

Yellow Ledbetter is now playing on the radio. My Dad is listening from the other dimension. He is laughing because he still says he does not like the electric guitar part. That's like you dad. He also is telling me Telepathically..that he does not understand a goddam thing that guy is saying.

That's my problem dad. That's my problem.