Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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daniboi 08/04/2015

Hello everyone.

I have a strange feeling when it comes to my 'depression'. Often I feel like I'm not sad or actually depressed, but more so helpless to escape other people's judgements and demands, which in turn puts a hold on my happiness and self-expression.. Then I end up in a spiral of thought trying to figure out how I can get past this.

I put a long read in my journal if you'd like to get more information, but in short I feel as if I'm a very positive person and want to effect the world in a very positive way but I'm constantly oppressed and shoved around by others or taken advantage of due to my kindness which causes me to lose hope and become self-conscious.

I've felt this way for a long time and I've tried a lot of different therapy methods to get by it, only one of which did any improvement.

I may as well be honest and say I'm bisexual. No one in my life actually knows, because they're all gay-bashers and would disown me in a heartbeat. I'm a submissive person.. or at least I think I am. I don't agree with how most men attract woman or what girls tend to go after. I find that my kind words are laughed at while some guy saying "Girl you got a big ol' booty let me get all up in it" gets every girl he drops the line on. I'm just not that type of person. I want to tell a girl how beautiful she is in many ways in a poetic and intelligent way but I get laughed at for it... It's like I have to have giant muscles, be super rude and hateful and throw money out constantly to get any attention at all.

I generally find myself being bullied and picked on by other people. I don't believe I'm that strange of a person and it's awful to admit but I try everything I can to try and look 'normal' so I can fit in. This means I try to avoid looking like myself or expressing myself in every single way possible.

I don't really know what to do about this. Sometimes I think I just live in a trashy area and am surrounded by hateful, ignorant, trashy people. I don't like to think lowly of others or be insulting but at the same time I deal with these people daily so it's hard not to get tired of the prejudice and ghetto mentality.

I don't even know what to ask about for help... I literately am clueless as to what to do. I feel like if I had a good enough job I could just run away from it all but I'll never make that kind of money in my entire life so I don't let myself believe in dreams like that.

The reason I hate myself so much is because of what other people choose to look down on me for... I'm really nice and giving... I should be a giant dick and greedy... I'm not a tough guy or muscular... I should be violent towards everyone and care about nothing but working out so I can beat up people... The list can go on and on.

What is wrong with the world today that someone like myself has to suffer daily and doesn't even hope for a better life anymore? I try hard to remind myself how amazing I am and how much love I have for everything but sometimes I feel like it's all a giant waste of time because no one will appreciate me or what I have to say.

I often consider suicide just because I'm tired of dealing with other people. I'm just trying to be myself and make a positive influence on the world around me but it seems like that is the very thing that makes others attack me or girls think "There is no chance I'd ever consider even going on one date with this loser". I'm not even bisexual by choice... It's just that woman have never expressed genuine interest or been attracted to me. Men will pursue me and try to make me feel special, where woman just make me feel like I'm a piece of trash that owes them my very soul for a piece of... pink...

Maybe I am just that ugly that woman are repulsed by me and the only way I can get them to consider spending time with me is to unload mountains of cash and whatever else on them. I don't know anymore...

It's so strange to me how much I can love life and see the beauty and complexity in other people and nature but at the same time people make me wish I were dead and hate myself. I don't understand it...

One day I hope our technology gets advanced enough that we can all have the exterior appearance that represents our inner-self.

missingjgb 08/04/2015

not strange at all. We all have our own uniqueness and i wish the world would be more accepting. Its hard but don't give up :)

laluna 08/04/2015

You sound like a wonderful, special person living amongst people who are incapable of appreciating you. Are there other communities you could associate with? Other people you would have more in common with?

eshaw 08/04/2015

It doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with you to me. It sounds like you're struggling with internalized oppression that unfortunately happens too much in this world where being different is looked down upon and prejudice and hate run rampant. You're not alone. Remember also that sexuality is a spectrum, some more hetero, others more homo and others fall somewhere in between. I hope you can make friends with people who you can trust to accept you for whoever you feel you are. And I hope you find a partner who appreciates and values the kind heart that you have. Just do what makes you happy. Forget about what other people think. It's not their life, its yours.

daniboi 08/04/2015

Thanks for the kind words. I don't really know if I could find any communities or people to befriend here. I don't do very well meeting new people either. It's hard for me to just walk up and try to befriend someone. Even if I did find some people to associate with, I'd never be able to tell them anything like I can admit anonymously online. The risk of my family finding out or them being offensive to someone is way to high and I need a roof over my head.

It's not like I haven't tried to make new friends here, I just am not very successful at it. The few people I have tried to befriend have either done something foul to me or clearly didn't want to do more than talk in passing. I don't know what it is.. People are either trying to take advantage of me in some way or look at me like I'm disfigured.

I know once I can afford a place to move to it'll be different.. Maybe it won't be. I like to think it will be but who knows.

muskrattiger 08/06/2015

I find this interesting because although you think you have strange ideas ..about ..your depreshion I find you have a very good understanding ....about it ....your depreshion ....depreshion is all about negative emotions ....flat emotions .....and that is exactualy what you are explaining ...a boat load of negative and flat emotions ....................................................................................................................you ..seam to know who you are ...a positive person who wants to make a positive ..efect ....on the world ....you know your weakness ..or at least what others see as weakness ..that they then take advantage ..of ..........because to you it is not a weakness ...to be kind ...and you are right it isent ..it is a blessing that you have that inside of you .............but you are ..feel shouted around taken advantage of ....................you understand that that is causing you ...to ..lose hope ...and feel self conscious .....and it gets harder ..I think ...this is a nother part of the depreshion .......I think you have felt like this most of your life ....it might be harder now ............................................................I am interested in knowing what treatment you thought helped .......and what other treatments you tried .....I am on meds ...and will be on them the rest of my life ..I also had ect witch was a life saver .................................................................................................................if your family feels that way ..than .i think you are doing the right thing by not telling them ...you are bisexual .in time ..things might change but right now you don't need things to be harder for you ...............still that must be hard to live with ....having such a big part of who you are that you can't shair with them .........to have to avoid looking like your self .......I am not sure what tha means ..if it means that you don't dress the way you would like to or if there is more to it than that .......and to not to be able to express your self in Amy way that must be very hard ....also not to sure what we are talking about ...I am thinking it is how you like to talk to people as a posed to how others expect you to ...behave ..........this ..has to take its toll on a person ......no two ways about it .................................................................................................................the way you talk you might feel like you hate your self ...but deap dowen I think you like the kind of person you are .....but you hate the situation ..you are forced to suffer by others ...at least that has been my experanced ..watching kids getting bullied ...when I was in school .......they might of wished they were biger and could of taken care of the bullies but ...that just wasent who they were ....they were good people who cared very deaply ..loved very deapely ...gave of themselves with out question ....and I find that a lot of people going through depreshion ...are that way ...they look after everyone but them selves ....we feel so very deaply so we hurt so very deaply ....most of us don't belive in vioulance .........what a diferant world this would be ..with more of use in it ....all the love that would be in the world what that could acomplish ...........................................................................................your voice will be heard in here ...I am full of love all the time ..it is always over flowing into every one and everything I come in contact with .....I know how you feel don't let anyone take that from you ..........the world is going through changes on Maney leavales .....and so are its people ...............it isent all bad ....we just can't see that far yet .........I also ..have woundered how I can have so much ..a beautifull family and grandchildren ...a h ..who loves me and I love him ..I have all this love in me over flowing ..how can I be depresed ..yet here I am ...and this is a far as they can get me ..i an trending water when I am not sinking under ...for me this is as good as it is going to get .......don't weaight to get all the help you can get ....the longer you let it .go untreated ..the harder it will be to treat it ......and you need to talk .....that is what I learned ..when I ended up in hospital and they had to give me ect because I was going dowen to far to fast ...it was a life saver ..................I hope you get your wish sooner rather than later ...you take very good care of your self ....I will keep you in my prayers .....God bless ..............................................................................................................................

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