Last night I got into a horrible fight with my boyfriend. I've been really sick lately and my anti-depressants haven't been absorbing into my system and it's taken a toll on me emotionally. I was so upset I was physically shaking and couldn't control myself, I was even throwing up which in part is due to my illness but I was so stressed and anxious. Of course he was drinking and whatever he said didn't matter to him, but every word hurt.

While he was out in the living room with his drunk buddy I went to the bedroom just shaking uncontrollably. I grabbed a drink, which I always do when I get upset, and 3 different bottles of pills. Seroquel, Risperdal, and Klonopin. All in very high doses. I just sat there listening to them have a good drunken time after both of them verbally attacking me and staring at those bottles. I just wanted to end the pain. They don't know how close I am to just giving up in everyday situations let alone what had happened. I don't even know what stopped me, part of me must've still been sane even though I didn't even feel attached to reality. I'm scared to be in that place, to be that close. The fear of death and not knowing what i'll face on the other side stops me. I'm just sick of this. And i'm sick of him not understanding that the little things he says hurts me in a way he can't imagine. Not that it would be his fault, suicide would be my own fault and isn't anybodys doing but my own. I just don't feel like he understands what's happening. He thinks i'm just difficult to deal with, that i'm being unfair to him. I'm crying out for him and he can't even hear me. Maybe somebody here will hear me.