I was also thinking of how depression is so debilitating and can leave me physically drained as well. When my husband is home, i keep a clean house and get by doing the bare minimum to impress him. But he is never really impressed. Logically thinking, this is because doing the bare minimum is not impressive! Yet, I feel like it took me all day to accomplish so little... Probably because I spent my whole day thinking of what needed to get done

your marriage is very important and I know I should take my advice right now' but if he love's you you should be able to talk to him about anything.When he get's home make a special dinner for two and tell him how much you mised him and what's been on your mind you don't know unless you try you may be surprised! Good Luck to you!

I agree with Texas Made. You need to try to talk to him and tell him how you feel. Depression is a disease just like diabetes. some thing that does not make you weaker!! If he feels this way then maybe you need to find someone to understand you and love you for who you are. Nobody is perfect or affliction free. I hope this all works out and you can get what you need from him. Remember that we are here for you.

Hey, mommy614, I'm sorry to hear about this :( I know what a delicate balancing act it can be, trying to hide or work through something as debilitating as depression.

I guess my main concern is that it's never a good sign that you may feel the truth will push someone further away :-/ The truth is unalterable but your husband's attitude is not. You never asked for an illness, so where is there room for you to really compromise on this issue? I guess I just don't see it :(

Again, mommy513, I'm really sorry about this. I hope you resolve this soon, though it sounds like waiting around for a deus ex machina might not be a very rewarding endeavor at this point :(

*HUGS*

Elle

Hey Mommy...talk to him. He can't read your mind. You can't read his. Ask for what you need. Depression can really do a number on us...our mind...our body...our heart...our libido. Start by opening up the doors of communication with him. I hope it takes you where you want to be. Take care.

I know he really wouldn't be judgmental, but I am judgmental of myself so I am probably making more of it than what it is. I do know that he feels there is no need for medications or counseling because he thinks those things can make problems worse, like depending on pills to feel good for example. The thing is, he has been through a really horrible divorce (his wife got pregnant and then just disappeared on him one day) and so I know he has felt some of the things I have felt. But, like I said, he overcame that. He worked it out, he moved on and is better because of it. I've had my strong moments as well (baby at 16, leaving a severely abusive relationship, moving far away from my family) but I never truly feel like I've moved on. I carry it all with me. My husband feels "if I can do it, you can too" because he is an optimistic person and has every confidence in the world that I can be and do whatever I want. I just know myself better than that. I feel like a disappointment to him if I have to have help where he didn't. I don't think bs would see it that way, but I would. And if I feel that way about myself, what's the point in asking for help? It will only make me feel more pathetic.

Mommy614, I want to respond directly to your statement as follows first:

"...so I know he has felt some of the things I have felt. But, like I said, he overcame that. He worked it out, he moved on."

First of all, I understand that your husband has experienced grief. What happened to him with that woman was awful, and I'm sure he felt depressed. But he did not have the *mental illness* that is known by the same name but not the same at all. Grief and grieving are natural processes when something terrible happens, but if we are able to "move on" as your husband did, he is not ill. If, on the other hand, no matter what we try we are unable to escape the crushing or numbing sensation, that is depression. These experiences should not be confused with one another.

Also, the use of medication to treat mental illness is not as simple as your statement, "depending on medication to be happy." In fact, medication does not "cure" depression, nor does it per se make us "happy." For those of us who have suffered from mental illness for many years, or whose case can be determined as probably deriving from an essential chemical imbalance, there is almost no other way to help in the long-run, other than to alter the basic brain chemistry that's gone awry. This, of course, is not something that you can "will" onto yourself, or just "overcome," like your husband did. This is something different entirely, and there is nothing shameful about having imbalanced brain chemistry.

Also, would you care to elaborate on your opinion that counseling can "make things worse"? I haven't heard this one yet, and my therapist saved my life, so if you don't mind elaborating, that could be helpful for me.

Mommy614, I'm afraid you may have been told many lies about depression as an illness, and then internalized them. Science and the experience of others here on DS can disprove most of the worries that you have. I felt that way once, too...

Elle

Well, for me, counseling was a bad experience. But, this is because I was a teenager and my counselor sucked. She got my trust, I told her everything and she turned right around and told my parents everything that I had said. It was not a case where I was suicidal or in any danger, so she really had no right or reason to do that. My mom told me what the counselor told them and I was incredibly embarrassed and just lost faith in it. I've also known a few couples who went to marriage counseling and ended up getting divorced when everything finally came out. So, yes, I realize counseling helps a lot of people (or people wouldn't be doing it anymore) but I just have heard horror stories as well, and experienced my own.

I can see your point, though. Depression is more of a chemical imbalance than just a period of sadness. I've had depression all my life, so I know that for me it isn't just about feeling down sometimes like my husband does. With him, there is a trigger. Something bad happens and he appropriately responds emotionally to that by feeling sad or angry or whatever. I have those situations as well, but I also sometimes feel horrible for no reason at all. Sometimes I feel sad because nothing happened. Obviously, that is something different than what a person without a chemical imbalance would experience.

I've basically grown up with this idea that I am always causing people problems. I was the youngest in my family and the only girl. My brothers were good kids and very rarely got into any kind of trouble. For me, I swear trouble just came looking for me. No matter how hard I tried, I messed everything up. I really took that personally and felt that I was such a burden. In high school I became very rebellious and just figured that since I was going to screw everything up anyway, why bother trying to do anything right. I had a baby at 16, I had drug and alcohol problems, I would sneak out of the house, I stole things... You name it, I probably did it. So, even though things are very different now, I still feel like a burden. It's still kind of a joke in my family that I can't make anything easy on anyone. I live 300+ miles from my parents house and I called my dad to ask if he could go to the college I went to and give them $5 (they wouldn't take my card over the phone, it had to be cash) for my transcripts. My dad didn't know which room to go in or who to talk to and since it's been years since I have been there I wasn't much help, so he jokingly said "well, I wouldn't be helping you out unless it was a pain in the butt." I know he doesn't mean it rudely, but that is just kind of how life goes around me. I seem to make things more difficult than they need to be. I realize that makes my dad sound like a jerk, which he really isn't, but I am just showing that I am the black sheep of my family. I always do things differently (and apparently with more difficulty) and my family thinks I am just strange. I have 7 kids, while both of my brothers stopped at 2 kids and think I am just outrageous for having so many kids. Plus, my husband and I have considered adoption or even having more of our own and my family has basically told me I just need to stop having kids. My kids are good and well behaved, they're taken care of, so I don't see why it's a big deal if I had more. Some people enjoy a large family.

This is really long and I apologize. My point is that I have been the black sheep and the outcast since as far back as I can remember. So, I guess I feel that since I was such a burden to my parents, I am probably a burden to my husband as well. And of course, since it is a marriage, we get on each others nerves sometimes. I think that I maybe take it too personally and assume that he feels annoyed with me all the time, which leaves me depressed and unable to focus and get anything done, then he sees how little I am able to do and probably feels disappointed, which starts the cycle again. It is a difficult circle to be a part of.

Hello Mommy614,
You have described an illness very well. You are able to communicate really well. If it is possible maybe you can share this post with your husband. I agree with the others about giving him a chance to really tell you how he feels.

You deserve to have some relief. Your children deserve to have a Mom who is well. Of course none of the real healing will be overnight. You have an illness. If you had a bad appendix your husband would rush you to the hospital to have it treated. Your out look on life is in need of treatment and it is no less a problem than a bad appendix. I wish you all the best ((( Many Hugs))) to you.

RibbonElle and TexasMade are right. I think counseling could help you teach yourself that you are not the burden that you think you are. It would also be nice if you could go to counseling with your husband and work on the issues that you see in your marriage. If your husband doesn't want to try counseling, can you discuss with him that you want more romance instead?

Maybe there aren't as many problems in your marriage as you think there are? Guy typically don't show emotions as much as women do. Your husband's typical routine is the exact same as my dad's when he comes home from work, and my parents are very much in love although my dad doesn't constantly show his love to my mom. There is nothing wrong with my parents' marriage, and what I'm trying to say is...maybe there aren't as many problems in your marriage as you think there are?

When you're depressed, doing even a little is a great accomplishment. The bare minimum to a 'normal' person is less than what the bare minimum is when a depressed person does it. Depression makes everything harder, and we accomplish much more than we realize.

I hope you'll resolve everything and feel better soon. I also wanted to say that I really appreciate your reply in my post; it was very helpful. Hugs

I know, that is really the only thing anyone can ever say... Men and women are different. I understand, truly. There is significant truth in that, and it cant be ignored. That doesn't make it any easier, though. It is said that we should jay learn to accept people as they are. I can see the truth and value in that as well. The thing is, where do we draw the line? At what point do our needs outweigh another's? Which is more important, his need to be accepted as someone who just isn't affectionate, or my need for affection? I thought there was some ground for compromise, but it turns out he just really hates to be touched unless it's on his terms and his time, and sometimes I simply need to be able to reach out and touch the person I love.

Sadly, this would be a breaking point for most marriages. However, I'm in no position to get a divorce, for a myriad of reasons. Among them being depression and the fear of what may come of my loneliness. Like I said, I am not in a dangerous or abusive relationship and I feel better being with him than without, even if we are more friends than anything else. Friendship is important, and I treasure his friendship. I think friendship in a marriage is tremendously important. I'm just sadly hanging on to a hope that one day the kids will grow, life will slow and change and maybe we will find some kind of romance in our later years.

I'm not normally so down. Generally, I function pretty well with my depression, I'm just feeling particularly negative lately. Ignore me if I'm just being a downer, I'm sure it will pass in a week or so.