Depression Support Group
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This is what I remember about my childhood. I laugh at a lot of things that happened so you can too.
I have a therapist that I see once a month and was wondering what you think about her prognosis on my childhood and why I have no self confidence.
I had a crappy childhood. My mother fought with eye cancer and lost an eye. She had another type of cancer, I think it was cervical cancer that messed with her hormones. All of this was before I was borne. when I was about 7 years old my mother went through meta pause which messed with her hormones some more. This caused my mother to hear voices and she thought it was god. I grew up in a dysfunctional religious house hold when I was 8 years old my mother thought that I could lay hands on people hand heel them. At the time she was really in to Benny Hen, I think that was his name. Well anyway she got me to thinking that I could too. I had a friend at school that was borne with a disability. He couldn't walk without crutches. One day when it was just me, him, and some class mates I layed hands on him said Yelling(In the name of Jahova let this boy walk with me in your divine light.) Well you probably guessed what happened, He looked at me scared as all get out. The other classmates just looked at me, not knowing what to do. One of the children told on me and I got in trouble. They called my mother and told her what was going on and she played it off. At that point I realized that something wasn't right with my mother but didn't know how to address it. I was only 7 years old.
Where was my father you might ask. Well he has always been around but I don't know how much he knew about my mothers sickness . My parents had an arrangement set up before I was borne. She, my 2 half brothers, and half sister would live in the house that he had built for the family he thought he would have and he would eat supper their every evening. My 2 half brothers and half sister are about 15 to 20 years older than me so that is why they aren't around most of my child hood.
I obviously didn't want to go back to school after the embarrassing event that took place. I stayed at home for 2 weeks playing with matches and candles in the living room while my mother would just lay in bed, Getting up ocassionaly to eat, feed me, and go to the bathroom My father would come by expecting supper but no food would be their so he would take me out to eat. I don't understand how my father didn't realize what was going on. I don't know if my father called social services or the school did. They came out and saw my pyrotechnics with the melted candles on the coffee table and they saw my mother laying in bed because god told her to stay in bed. I was taken to my fathers which was just a stones throw away right down the road and my mother was sent to an asylum.
I didn't understand what was going on. My father had a job at a factory and he didn't think he could take care of me so he took me to my mothers parents. My grandfather (papaw) was a mean old man that made sure that I knew that I was just a worthless spoilt, child. He would regularly spank me for miniscule things like not make my bed. The only thing he ever did for me was teach me how to ride a bike. He took me to the highest hill he could find, which was behind his workshop that he had behind the house and pushed me down it. I learned real quick how to ride a bike, he neglected to tell me how to stop and I ran into a ditch. Laying in the ditch gasping for air, I heard my papaw laughing, He says (you alright boy.) I didn't answer cause I couldn't breathe. He never did go down their. I eventualy got up realizing I had a sprung wrist and ankle I yelled for help. Still he didn't go down their. So I finally start making my way up the hill. I even saw my grand father going back to the house, He just looked at me hobbling and walked on for dinner. Never even looked back! I finally got to the house and he sends me to bed without dinner for being a baby. My grandmother (mammaw) was a sweet woman but she was obedient to my papaw so didn't say anything. When he went to bed she came in there and doctored me up, fed me and went to bed. She didn't sat anything about papaw and did not take up for me. She would just fix what he did the best she could.
My dad would come by ocasionaly and I would beg and plead to go home with him. No matter how much I cried and told him what was going on, he just wouldn't let me stay with him. I was mad and tired of staying their so when I was getting on the busses to go home, I didn't take the bus that would send me back to that abusive asshole. I took the bus that would take me to the only home that I knew. The bus driver asked me where my note was saying that I could ride that bus and I lied and told him I didn't know I needed one and that I had been home since Saturday. He didn't question it and told me to get on. When I got there it was around 2:45pm. I wasn't worried because I thought my father was going to be there around 3:30. Time runs extremely slow when you are young. I waited and waited and he just wasn't home. It stated to get dark and I new it didn't get dark at 3:30. I was starting to get scared and started crying. A little after dark I noticed some bright lights come up the drive and it was my father. My father wasn't a mean man And I hate to say he was dumb, but to this day I still cant understand why he didn't take up for me. I begged and pleaded with him again to let me stay. He wouldn't hear it. He asked me if I was hungry and I said yes so he took me to get something to eat. I cried some more, ate, and cried some more. Finally he said that if I quit crying he would talk to my aunt Edith about me staying with her and her husband. I made him promise and he did.
When I got back to my grand parents, My mamaw grabbed me and gave me a big hug and told me how worried her and papaw was. My father thought everything would be OK so he told me he was leaving. I asked him if he remembered what he had promised and he said yes. So I was Ok with him going. When my papaw got in I thought he was going to beat me but he didn't. He walked to my bed room where I was hiding, swung open the door, threw me on the water bed and said. Hey you little bastard I don't want U here and if U don't want to be here, I will pack Ur shit and U will be out of here tomorrow. I wasn't scared and I yelled may god strike you dead if you are lieing. SLAPPPP!!!!!!!! in the face. Hurt bad but I just smiled back at him. He just got mad and stormed out. When I got home the next day and nothing was packed. I was mad and upset. I went straight to bed upset and crying My papaw came back there again and if you don't shut up I'll give you a good reason to cry. It was on a Tuesday and I didn't have a clue that I was going to be out of there on the weekend. I just moped around and cried that whole week.
My father came through for once and I got to stay with my Aunt Edith
and Uncle Dean. Great people, nothing bad to say about either one of them. My mother would get better because she would take hormone replacement drugs and she wouldn't hear voices. The meds were very expensive and she couldn't afford them sometimes and she would relapse and have to go back to the asylum. I never did go back to stay with my grand parents again.
My therapist said that my papaw was the key to my lack of self respect.
She also told me I have abandonment issues because of my father and mother. Well I am clingy to women when in a intimate relationship with them, Probably to a point to where I scare them off.
What do you think.
I have spent a couple of hours typing and this is what came out.
This is all 100% true!
I have a therapist that I see once a month and was wondering what you think about her prognosis on my childhood and why I have no self confidence.
I had a crappy childhood. My mother fought with eye cancer and lost an eye. She had another type of cancer, I think it was cervical cancer that messed with her hormones. All of this was before I was borne. when I was about 7 years old my mother went through meta pause which messed with her hormones some more. This caused my mother to hear voices and she thought it was god. I grew up in a dysfunctional religious house hold when I was 8 years old my mother thought that I could lay hands on people hand heel them. At the time she was really in to Benny Hen, I think that was his name. Well anyway she got me to thinking that I could too. I had a friend at school that was borne with a disability. He couldn't walk without crutches. One day when it was just me, him, and some class mates I layed hands on him said Yelling(In the name of Jahova let this boy walk with me in your divine light.) Well you probably guessed what happened, He looked at me scared as all get out. The other classmates just looked at me, not knowing what to do. One of the children told on me and I got in trouble. They called my mother and told her what was going on and she played it off. At that point I realized that something wasn't right with my mother but didn't know how to address it. I was only 7 years old.
Where was my father you might ask. Well he has always been around but I don't know how much he knew about my mothers sickness . My parents had an arrangement set up before I was borne. She, my 2 half brothers, and half sister would live in the house that he had built for the family he thought he would have and he would eat supper their every evening. My 2 half brothers and half sister are about 15 to 20 years older than me so that is why they aren't around most of my child hood.
I obviously didn't want to go back to school after the embarrassing event that took place. I stayed at home for 2 weeks playing with matches and candles in the living room while my mother would just lay in bed, Getting up ocassionaly to eat, feed me, and go to the bathroom My father would come by expecting supper but no food would be their so he would take me out to eat. I don't understand how my father didn't realize what was going on. I don't know if my father called social services or the school did. They came out and saw my pyrotechnics with the melted candles on the coffee table and they saw my mother laying in bed because god told her to stay in bed. I was taken to my fathers which was just a stones throw away right down the road and my mother was sent to an asylum.
I didn't understand what was going on. My father had a job at a factory and he didn't think he could take care of me so he took me to my mothers parents. My grandfather (papaw) was a mean old man that made sure that I knew that I was just a worthless spoilt, child. He would regularly spank me for miniscule things like not make my bed. The only thing he ever did for me was teach me how to ride a bike. He took me to the highest hill he could find, which was behind his workshop that he had behind the house and pushed me down it. I learned real quick how to ride a bike, he neglected to tell me how to stop and I ran into a ditch. Laying in the ditch gasping for air, I heard my papaw laughing, He says (you alright boy.) I didn't answer cause I couldn't breathe. He never did go down their. I eventualy got up realizing I had a sprung wrist and ankle I yelled for help. Still he didn't go down their. So I finally start making my way up the hill. I even saw my grand father going back to the house, He just looked at me hobbling and walked on for dinner. Never even looked back! I finally got to the house and he sends me to bed without dinner for being a baby. My grandmother (mammaw) was a sweet woman but she was obedient to my papaw so didn't say anything. When he went to bed she came in there and doctored me up, fed me and went to bed. She didn't sat anything about papaw and did not take up for me. She would just fix what he did the best she could.
My dad would come by ocasionaly and I would beg and plead to go home with him. No matter how much I cried and told him what was going on, he just wouldn't let me stay with him. I was mad and tired of staying their so when I was getting on the busses to go home, I didn't take the bus that would send me back to that abusive asshole. I took the bus that would take me to the only home that I knew. The bus driver asked me where my note was saying that I could ride that bus and I lied and told him I didn't know I needed one and that I had been home since Saturday. He didn't question it and told me to get on. When I got there it was around 2:45pm. I wasn't worried because I thought my father was going to be there around 3:30. Time runs extremely slow when you are young. I waited and waited and he just wasn't home. It stated to get dark and I new it didn't get dark at 3:30. I was starting to get scared and started crying. A little after dark I noticed some bright lights come up the drive and it was my father. My father wasn't a mean man And I hate to say he was dumb, but to this day I still cant understand why he didn't take up for me. I begged and pleaded with him again to let me stay. He wouldn't hear it. He asked me if I was hungry and I said yes so he took me to get something to eat. I cried some more, ate, and cried some more. Finally he said that if I quit crying he would talk to my aunt Edith about me staying with her and her husband. I made him promise and he did.
When I got back to my grand parents, My mamaw grabbed me and gave me a big hug and told me how worried her and papaw was. My father thought everything would be OK so he told me he was leaving. I asked him if he remembered what he had promised and he said yes. So I was Ok with him going. When my papaw got in I thought he was going to beat me but he didn't. He walked to my bed room where I was hiding, swung open the door, threw me on the water bed and said. Hey you little bastard I don't want U here and if U don't want to be here, I will pack Ur shit and U will be out of here tomorrow. I wasn't scared and I yelled may god strike you dead if you are lieing. SLAPPPP!!!!!!!! in the face. Hurt bad but I just smiled back at him. He just got mad and stormed out. When I got home the next day and nothing was packed. I was mad and upset. I went straight to bed upset and crying My papaw came back there again and if you don't shut up I'll give you a good reason to cry. It was on a Tuesday and I didn't have a clue that I was going to be out of there on the weekend. I just moped around and cried that whole week.
My father came through for once and I got to stay with my Aunt Edith
and Uncle Dean. Great people, nothing bad to say about either one of them. My mother would get better because she would take hormone replacement drugs and she wouldn't hear voices. The meds were very expensive and she couldn't afford them sometimes and she would relapse and have to go back to the asylum. I never did go back to stay with my grand parents again.
My therapist said that my papaw was the key to my lack of self respect.
She also told me I have abandonment issues because of my father and mother. Well I am clingy to women when in a intimate relationship with them, Probably to a point to where I scare them off.
What do you think.
I have spent a couple of hours typing and this is what came out.
This is all 100% true!
Hugs,
Scott
I pray you find the strength to heal. God be with you.