Abusers are predators, they size up their prey to see if their victims are weak and submissive. Predators are opportunistic creatures, so they would not attack unless they perceive the victims are weak-minded and less likely to defend or counter-attack. As you had been a victim of many violent incidents when you were young, you were helpless in your youth and did not understand what was happening to you. When you did understand the violent attacks and reported the violence to the police, there were not enough material evidence to accuse the offender of assault and abuse because you had to provide evidence beyond reasonable doubt that the person you were accusing of did indeed commit the crime. So you felt helpless and surrendered to fate. This is a victim mentality and it will influence the paths that you take in the presence and future.

You have now grown up and over time, had pondered on all the things that you suffered in order to heal. I think that the way to break out of this cycle is to speak out and to fight back your oppressor. You are an independent human being who has an innate right to determine your future, of how you should be treated without oppression or abuse. With age and time, you would have the maturity and mental clarity to navigate through the obstacles that life throws at you. Step back from the predicament you are facing now, write down a list of problems you are facing, and hypothesise about the remedies that are realistically possible to solve your pressing issues. It is when you distance yourself from your problem and impartially regard your situation will you find the solution. You have a lifetime to do this. Life is a long learning curve, but the experience that you gain will make you stronger and wiser. Hang in there, things will all pass no matter how harrowing they may be.

Thanks for the reply - but what I'm asking is what is the abuser doing to their own mind/mental health by choosing to abuse? Surely the abuser, before and after they abuse, leads an awful life?

Usually there is a history of abuse to cause the abuser to repeat the abuse. It is akin to taking revenge against the world by making another person suffer. It is a method of controlling the situations.

I think it is not healthy to ponder into the mind the abuser because by doing so, you are tormenting yourself and making yourself miserable. What the abuser had done or what his history was for him to perpetuate the abuse....... these are things you don't have to worry about anymore. What has happened in the past, just leave it in the past and move forward. You cannot find a time machine to go back and prevent the abuse, so all that you can do now is to move forward. You still have a long future, so don't dwell on past pain but focus on future happiness.

Thanks for the replies. Some therapists know then answer and others don't - it depends on who they have treated (i.e. their patients).
I have been in touch with a therapist a couple of days ago, and they agreed with me that understanding your abuser's perspective actually helps the victim with the healing process. They said that the abuser suffers quite badly before they abuse...... they want to abuse so their mind rehearses what they will do and how (so already their mind is becoming perverse and dark), then at some point they cross the line and abuse. Once they have abused it is "game over" as there is virtually no going back. Most of them won't have the strength to repair the damage they've done to themselves. Not all abusers feel remorse, however their minds are awful and dark places. They have totally wounded their souls. Finally I got my answer and I'm grateful to that therapist, and I hope this information helps those of you who have been abused.

Good question. To me, it's like asking 'why is there evil?' Not sure there is a clear cut answer.

Sometimes there is a history of being abused, sometimes the abuser is just genetically predisposed to violent behavior and low empathy levels. A lot of the time it's both. I got the courage to confront one of my abusers; while I know there was emotional abuse for both of us (we are sisters), her abuse of me was sexual. I asked her why she'd done it and if she had also been molested. Her reply boiled down to no, she had never herself been molested, she had just done it because she could. That response really killed my empathy for her; on the other hand, my anger is less inwardly directed. I imagine if the abuser has a conscience they would be severely lowering their self esteem, but for the cluster B personality types, it probably doesn't negatively affect them much at all.

That's a good question. Glad you are doing better and sorry for what you went through. I don't know the answer to your question exactly but I think I have learned a couple of things over the course of my life. One thing that makes people do bad things is that they have experienced bad things themselves in childhood. I don't know all the psychology of what that does to them but somehow they wind up repeating the cycle. Perhaps it's what they know and what feel familiar.
The other thing is that I think some people are born with a tendency to be bad. I think studies have been done on the brains of psychopaths that show that their brains don't react in a normal way to outside stimulus such as depictions of violence or someone in need. I think that is biological. I don't know what goes on in their brains exactly but I don't think they have a feeling of remorse for doing something bad like normal people have. They lack empathy and don't have an internal moral compass for what is right or wrong so they just do what they want, when they want.
I have a sister who is very narcissist and an abusive father. Both of them have done and do bad things I think because they feel very threatened and out of control in their lives and so they try to control or dominate what they can. The are completely unable to take true responsibility for their abusive behaviors and in fact, if confronted, fly into a rage and try to turn the responsibility on the person they abused.
I think that people who abuse either feel nothing or joy (like a psychopath) or are tormented by their behavior but cannot come to terms with it and those people are probably feeling unhappiness and fear.
So, that probably doesn't help much. I try to stay away from people as much as I can and don't really trust anyone. I know that's not healthy either but I haven't been successful in healing from the abuse I have endured. Good luck to you.

Thanks for the replies!

Sorry Jane800 for what you experienced. I will look into the cluster B personality type as never heard of this.

Anna1212 I'm sorry to hear you don't think you have healed from your abuse. I'd say I'm maybe 70% recovered from my traumas - I have to put more work in, and understanding the mind of the abuser helps. Something that helped me a lot was practicing Qigong. I found a clip called 8 Brocades on youtube and physical pains I'd had caused by PTSD began to lower. I also noticed after a couple of months that my mind was more balanced. Check them out as these exercises can reach parts of the brain that talking therapies can't (apparently). All the best

I guess it depends. I wouldn't say everyone's repeating abuses from their childhoods. My husband was an alcoholic and his parents were tee-totalers. I wouldn't say he was abusive - exactly. But the booze caused him to be irritable and irresponsible (Again, his parents were not.) I haven't the foggiest idea what happened to prompt drinking as a coping mechanism; it would be easy to say his time in Southeast Asia during Vietnam, but I have a hunch the drinking began before then.

I wonder if some of those folks even comprehend exactly what they are doing. My husband, who probably drank 12 or 15 beers a night toward the end, was watching tv one night, and saw some public service announcement about help for drug addiction. He could barely sit up in his chair, and he said, "I just don't understand how people are drug addicts." He was dead serious.

I've heard of some child molesters who genuinely believe they love their victims. Remember Mary Kay Letourneau? It's clear what she did was against the law, but her victim stayed with her, he didn't *feel* abused. They went on to have at least one more child together.