Mom this is going to be very hard to explain too you and i know its the worst possible way for me to begin your day but i need you to know these things and this is what i've been needing too tell you. I hope youll understand somehow..

For a long time i've been very insure with my own identity because of things that have happened in the past. I have not been able to be myself because of them. With dad, it makes it very difficult for me to be myself and for a long time i've felt that its easier for me to create an identity and become someone that i'm not online, in order to feel like i can be someone even though its not me. (if that makes sense) Its like an author writing a book from a characters point of view. The character has its own name, gender, plays a role in society somehow, has goals and dreams, with different hobbies, different difficulties, different families. It all has become overly complexed.

Well over many years i have created those "people that exist only online" It was my way of escaping the pain but in the end caused a lot of pain for the people that they were associated too because they thought these people i created actually existed. And i carry the weight of my actions of hurting others on my shoulders too.

This is the most difficult part to tell you but you need to be aware of it, and this is the most serious because its whats hurting me the most right now and this is also the reason why i decided i didnt want to go to Kentucky.

Back in February, I created a 18 year old girl named Cassi that had lived in Minnesota and lived through the worst abuse anyone could've ever imaged. One night she (I) went into a chat room and shared that I was very depressed and i needed help. I found a lot of supportive people in that room and Cassi (I) became really close to one specific individual. An older male named Robert, 57, a Bishop from California, Orginally from Texas that felt the need to protect me and care about me. I accepted his concern and we began to share more and more about our life (Cassi's life, not my own) It got to the point were we developed more than just a friendship. We were sharing pictures (I was sharing pictures of people that weren't me) I even found a way to create a phone number in the state she lived in so it would seem legit so we could talk on the phone. I created a facebook, twitter and other social media sites too for Cassi to make her seem more realistic.

Within this chat, Robert, The one Cassi became friends with months ago. He was chatting with others and He had become friends with an Apostle Gary from Kentucky. Robert asked Cassi to marry him and move with him to Kentucky to begin a ministry with Gary in Kentucky. I agreed to all of that soon i would be driving down to from Minnesota to California and then too Kentucky.

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Finally that night I was suppose to leave, i had no other choice but to tell Robert that Cassi didn't exist and that all the plans we made weren't going to happen. I crushed him so bad. I ruined his reputation within his family and friends and in the church. This all happened because I was afraid to trust and to be myself in the first place.

Robert wanted to commit suicide after i told him this and I did everything i could to talk him out of it. I did tell him who I was, I was on cam, I admitted on cam i am not cassi and yet he found a way to temporarily forgive me for what i had done. I began telling him my real story and who I was. Which opened up something i wish i hadn't. I told him about my family and I told him about some of abuses some people did to me. He immediately said he was either going to send the state police to my door or he was to get in his wheelchair and going to come kill the people that had abused me. I became very scared and our conversation finally came to the point that he if i still loved him. At one time I did have feelings for him but after he said that he was going to bring my family misery, i didn't feel the same afterwards. He asked if i would still marry him, and he said that if i said no, he would stab himself with his sword between the 3rd and 4th rib on the left side of his body and he would instantly kill himself. I ended up saying yes, just so we could get past that point of time and so i wouldn't have to deal with wondering if he would actually do it or not. I also said i would go to be with him in Kentucky but for the same reason, to just get past that moment, and i don't feel comfortable about going to Kentucky at all.

I fell like i'm between a rock and a hard place right now. For if i say no to anything he will want to bring the family down and so would Gary in Kentucky. If i say no he has promised to kill himself, in which Gary says that Robert's computer will be taken by police and i would be found guilty to be the cause for Robert killing himself.

I really think in all honesty that by going to Kentucky i would be isolated from everyone and everything even though gary promised to get me counseling and on my feet. I feel safe staying here and getting through this with people i know that ill be by my side to help me and feel secure that someone will love me, even if you are the only one that does.

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I really have no interest in wanting to be on the computer anymore, because of the chance i might create someone else, or that i may come across these two people again. Im afraid to look at my phone because i might have a threatening text message or voice mail. I'm thinking about changing my number and begin again the best i can and I really just want to be Sarah from now on.


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I talked to an police officer last night and this is what he confirmed to me about the letter i posted above and i believe him because i was feeling the same discernment on my own.

--Just because you lied it does not make you responsible if he commits suicide. You came clean with him because it got to the point that you needed to. It is not against the law to lie to people. If you were bullying or intimidating this person that might be different, but that was not the case. It sounds to me like this person could be abusive in nature based on some of the things you told me he said. I do not believe he would actually commit suicide, I believe he is using that to make you feel obligated to go to Kentucky and marry him. He is trying to make you feel guilty for what you did and using it against you. My advise would be to tell him that he should get counseling for his suicidal thoughts and that because he has suicidal tendencies that you cannot be with him. If you did go to him he would use this every time you did something he did not like. He would tell you if you went a certain place or did certain things he would kill himself. It is nothing more than a way to control. My guess would be that if you entered a relationship with this person he would soon become physically abusive towards you. Again, this is just my opinion based on what your letter said, but he does not sound like a very stable person. That would be a very bad situation to enter into. Need to tell him that is not the kind of relationship you want and that you need to stay where you are to be with family. I would tell him that this will be your last communication with him and cut all ties. If he cannot make his suicide threats it takes that control away.