Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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GiveMeStrength 01/10/2018

Hi all,

My long term boyfriend has suffered from varying degrees of depression for many, many years. A couple of days ago he plucked up the courage and spoke to his GP about it. I attended the appointment with him and he was very honest, and I am extremely proud of him for taking this step.

He was given antidepressants to start taking, and we’ve got an appointment to go back in a couple of weeks. He took the first pill yesterday.

But I suppose in my mind I wanted this appointment to be the miraculous moment where everything ground to a halt and started to get better. Wishful thinking I know!

So here we are, the day after, and already the waiting feels unbearable. He missed work today, and then in the evening he withdrew to the pub. I turned up to join him because I just wanted to be with him, causing him to feel like he’s being babysat. I asked if he’d taken the next pill today, he said yes, 5 minutes later I asked again to make sure, he said yes. I know I should have just accepted his first answer, but these pills feel like the only glimmer of hope, and I need to know he is in fact taking them.

I want this so much to work, and for him to feel better and to start back on track at work before he gets fired. But I know I have absolutely zero control over any of that.

I just don’t know what to do for the best :( how do I fill the weeks we have to wait to see if the antidepressants are going to help? It feels like an endless stretch of worry and fear at the moment...

Any advice, or anything at all, you can offer will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading x

red47640 01/10/2018

Hi there... I can understand how frustrated and scared you must be. I get that you desperately want to help your boyfriend through this; you seem like an incredibly caring and supportive person, and I hope he is grateful for having you around. That being said, speaking from a person who has depression, one of the best things you can do is give him some room to breathe. I don't mean being absent from the situation, but honestly, if my boyfriend asked me multiple times within a short span whether or not I'd taken my meds, I'd start to get a little irritated. As you implied, so one likes being babysat, and as much as I know you want to help, you can't fix this for your boyfriend. Support is critical, but the actual patient needs to put in the effort to recover. Be willing to listen and help, but also know when to step back to a) give him his space, and b) have him learn how to deal with it himself. By the way, although depression is treatable, it's also chronic. Meds help most people enormously, but they don't eradicate depression. With meds, therapy, and a lot of self realization and work on my part, I'm not severely depressed. But I'd be lying if I said I still didn't have bad days. Hopefully I'm not sounding like a total bee-otch here! I'm really glad that your boyfriend has taken steps to start treating his depression, and I'm glad he has you to support him. Make sure to care for yourself as well! Wishing the best for you both :-)

ThePepperMan 01/10/2018

Being supportive can be difficult, as you have found out. There is a group here for friends and family of depressed people. They are the ones walking your shoes, and may be able to offer a lot of "been there, done that" type of help.

From my point of view, as an other depressed person, here are my basic suggestions for friends and family.

Never make it YOUR job to fix your friend. They must be the one to do that. Be their champion, their cheerleader if you will. It does not hurt to ask them what they want you to do. And that answer will change from day to day, so don't worry if their needs are not consistent.

People dealing with mental health issues will almost never be 100% open about what they are feeling. For many reasons: they may not know what they are feeling, they may be ashamed of what they are feeling, they may not think that a particular feeling is important, they may not be ready to share their feelings, ...

So accept that it will be a journey for them to communicate with you, and that it will be a journey for you to understand what they are saying. (For example, they may reveal a very major issue in such an understated way that you miss it; and they may dwell on a very minor issue in such a way that you attach too much importance to it.)

Gentle hugs, and thank you for caring so much for your BF

GiveMeStrength 01/10/2018

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply red47640 :)

Your response is extremely helpful, and makes complete sense. You are so right, I have really got to learn to give him space to breathe and process all of this himself, it must be even scarier for him.
Patience has never been a great skill of mine, so I need to work on that too! Worrying, on the other hand... I’m basically a black belt!

And yes you’re totally right about the meds not being enough on their own, his current treatment plan to get the chemical imbalance corrected, and then begin counselling when he’s feeling more able.

Honestly, your reply is really helpful and assuring, and I am thrilled to hear that you’re making progress and doing better for yourself :) you have my respect!
Thank you x

GiveMeStrength 01/10/2018

Thank you so much as well, ThePepperMan :) another truly helpful response!

You’re absolutely right, and the rational half of my brain knows I cannot fix this for him, he has to do it for himself... it’s very difficult to bite my tongue though! I will have to work very hard on that one.

I think for me this all boils down to needing to be patient. Patient with him, patient with the meds, patient with expecting to see improvements.

But I can’t thank you all enough for replying, it’s very helpful to run these things by people who have been in similar situations x

WanderingVet 01/10/2018

It, most often, takes the right medication, a good therapist, a LOT of work on the patient's part, and a good amount of time to get clinical depression managed. It's good he is on medication .. but he is on the first step up the mountain ... typically speaking.

Jillsaundars 01/11/2018

Ergh.... I really resent people asking if I've taken my medication

If I don't want it and I'm sane leave me alone!

Already my parents are trying to section me because I don't want to see them. Really really resent it

I guess it's also really angryfying when your have genuine pain at abusive circumstances or memories and people ask if you've taken your pills. As though your pain isn't justifiable and your not allowed to be upset

Anyway, that's my button pushed lol

Hire him a personal trainer and exercise hard daily, that will make him feel loads better within a week

Hopeful777 01/15/2018

I am so encouraged by your support. Hopefully, with the combination of a support system and treatment, he will get back on track. Hang in there and do find a system of support for yourself. My faith and my faith family have been such a source of strength for me and my family...perhaps you and he may find that too?

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