Just got a serious blow -- I have no family and for years had only 2 close friends. Last August/September 1 of my close friends died, just heard this a.m. that my other close friend died. I feel like I have no one to live for at this point, can't imagine how I'm going to manage it. When my friend died this past fall I went into a major depression, by xmas was "hypothetically" planning suicide, only just broke out of my depression in January and now I'm afraid of my reaction. My insurance will not pay for a reputable psychiatrist in this area but I'm going to try to find one that I can pay for on my own, altho I don't have a car so transportation will be dicey (none of them have offices near bus lines). If I don't get meds soon I will be out buying razor blades and trying to figure out how to stopper my bathtub.

I know the depression can be broken or ameliorated, but in the long run I truly don't know how I am going to manage. I have several "good acquaintances" but no one at all to spend time with or even talk to. I only learned about this a few hours ago and already I'm thinking, "Why bother to keep going?"

My own health isn't great and I've wondered if I'm next -- I'm only 56, but then one of my friends was only 54. Because I'm a diabetic it would be easy for me to commit "passive suicide." I already avoid my medical dr. visits, and it would be so easy to just blow them off altogether, get off my meds, and let it go.

Having said that, I realize I'm not quite suicidal yet. But alone on the weekends, with not a soul in the world to talk to, I don't know what I might do.

Please pray for me that I might find some doctor somewhere who'll get me on some meds quickly.

I'm already feeling guilty posting this since I haven't had much to contribute to you guys for quite a while and I don't feel I deserve the "air time." But I know some of you will be kind enough to listen and that will help. Thanks.....