Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I don't know if it is just me or if this is 'normal' and I can't ask anyone because I am fairly sure they would think I am stranger than they already do.
When I go to sleep, I can only get to sleep by thinking of ways to die, all the different ways I could leave this world, how I could do it so no one finds me and no one is hurt, in working out and thinking of how, I suppose I stop worrying and feeling bad about life and I can sleep. I don't really like it, but I've done it for years and years. When the doctors ask if I feel suicidal I tell them I don't, even though I have many ways I could...
Also, when I go out, I am afraid of other people, I feel like people look at me and dislike me instinctively, I feel judged and like they will hate me. I get sweaty, afraid and can't talk at all to people, I just want to run away.
I spend most of my day thinking, I could just walk off this building, I could just walk in front of this car, I could, I wish, I want to....
I think my soul may be broken, I certainly feel broke.
When I go to sleep, I can only get to sleep by thinking of ways to die, all the different ways I could leave this world, how I could do it so no one finds me and no one is hurt, in working out and thinking of how, I suppose I stop worrying and feeling bad about life and I can sleep. I don't really like it, but I've done it for years and years. When the doctors ask if I feel suicidal I tell them I don't, even though I have many ways I could...
Also, when I go out, I am afraid of other people, I feel like people look at me and dislike me instinctively, I feel judged and like they will hate me. I get sweaty, afraid and can't talk at all to people, I just want to run away.
I spend most of my day thinking, I could just walk off this building, I could just walk in front of this car, I could, I wish, I want to....
I think my soul may be broken, I certainly feel broke.
I have very few options when it comes to ways to kill myself.
Personally I couldn't care less what anyone else thinks about me,
or thinks about anything at all. People really don't matter to me.
What matters to me is the intense suffering I endure each day.
I have been homeless for a very long time. I sleep on the bare
ground at night. It is painfully cold. Sometimes I get food and other
days I go without. I can never predict what will happen. Nights are
13 hours long here right now, and they always seem like 1300.
Waiting for the sun to come up to warm me is serious torture.
I don't have any idea what your life is like, or why thinking about
dying comforts you. But if it does indeed provide comfort, then it
has to be a good thing. I understand feeling broken. I have been
broken all my life. I hope you can find some peace in all this.
One problem with mental illnesses is that the longer they are not treated, the more it takes on a life of its own. Medication helps some people get through things, but by my experience, therapy is what gets us past things. (Therapy can be professional, self help, or peer-peer support like here on DS)
Have you talked to a therapist about these things? There are exercises that you can do to help with social anxiety, but those are best left to a professional to help guide you on.
Souls have remarkable recovery powers; yours may be bent, bruised, banged up or injured. But it is not broken!
I am sorry for how things are for you.
I don't want to promote anything and would feel awful if I did, but I've thought about it a lot and it would be easy, I have a lot of options, its just, most of the time, they are only ideas or hopes, its been a long time since I did anything to hurt myself but its hard.
I don't know about people, I wish I could not care about them, I feel like a kid looking through a window at the happiness I see in others and I just don't find it in myself.
I am working, and that gives me enough to live at the moment, I do feel for you, this world is unfair, I am too old and broken to aspire to what people say brings them happiness, friends, a family, somewhere to live. I'm without worth.
I think maybe it is a good thing, but I just wanted to know I'm not alone, because it is hard to voice that you don't enjoy being alive, I am comforted that I can stop, I am comforted that it's only a short time I'm here and I.... Its hard? I am not sure of the right words, but I just don't know how people keep going or if I am wrong to say, this is shit, cruel, horrid existence and I don't want to do it anymore.
I do hope for the best for you, I do like your profile picture, I know that's nothing, but it's a nice picture. I hope you find safety and security and happiness in your life. I am tired of being broken and it's hard to struggle until I find a way out, I am sorry you are struggling too, I hope you find peace in it all as well. Thank you for replying.
Anti-depressants to me have only seemed to have a rubbish speed like effect, I grind my jaw, feel hyper active and just can't concentrate on anything, I don't feel like myself at all and just feel like everything is heightened - that the good things are alright but really bizarre and the bad things are terrible.
Therapy is really difficult, because I've never had the money to see someone more than a couple of times and I just can't speak to someone a few times and deal with how I'm feeling, I can say it now because I'm speaking to a Buddha statue and a Pepper! But how do I start a conversation with "I wake up sad I am still alive, I spend all day thinking of ways to die, I go to sleep and think I could kill myself with this and that" and get any resolution....
I know "I should be stronger," "life is hard," "I should pull myself together and find happiness" but I guess, I've tried, I've failed and I just don't know why I'd want to when not trying seems so much more of a good idea.
THEN I START 2 CRY, THEN I APOLOGIZE 2 THE LORD IN HEAVEN 4 COMPLAINING, BUT THINKING ABOUT DEATH IS NOT REALLY COMPLAINING.
BUT THEN I THINK ABOUT THE GOODNESS THE LORD HAS BLESSED ME WITH AND I WIPE AWAY MY TEARS AND SING CHRISTIAN SONGS IN MY HEAD!
GBU ALL!
D
;-]