Honestly, when I am in a mindset like this I either don't let myself be alone, or sleep if I can't do anything else to get away from the thoughts. I would go to my friend's house and just lay in her bed because I wouldn't kill myself with her in the room. My friend would also text me every day around a certain time to see how I was feeling and coping (she's a social worker, so this was easy for her). I would schedule appointments to check in with my PCP, my therapist, and my psychiatrist; even if it's just a 5-10 minute phone call where they agree to call you to check in (don't ask all to call each day, but rotate so that they each kind of take a turn). I really did not want to live. I did not want these people to babysit me, and feel like a dependent, needy person, but they got me through enough days that my meds started working and I slowly began feeling better. (This checking in was the agreement we reached so that I wouldn't have to go to the hospital.)

I know how much no one wants to be 'that friend' or 'that person' and no one really wants to go to the hospital, but you have to do what you have to do to save your own life. When you don't have the drive and the energy to keep yourself alive, you have to ask people to help you. If you don't have people who can check in on you regularly, and you are really a danger to yourself, then you need to cal 911 or go to the hospital. You're not a bad person, you're sick, just like someone with the flu. You're not coughing and aching and have a fever, but you're feeling so awful that you want to die. This can be treated.

I know this is getting long, but I hope you'll read on:

I've adapted this just a little bit to fit this conversation; it's one of my favorite things to read when I feel like I really suck at life and don't want to be here:

Your depression has been beating you up for years. It's called you unlovable, a bad person, pathetic, and a failure for so long you've forgotten that it's wrong. You don't see any good in yourself, and you don't have any hope. But still, here you are; you've come here and said, "HEY! Staying alive is REALLY HARD right now! Just give me something to fight with! I don't care if it's a stick! Give me a stick and I can stay alive!" I think that's incredible. You're like a Marine: trapped for years behind enemy lines, your gun has been taken away, you're out of ammo, you're malnourished, and you've probably caught some kind of jungle virus that's making you hallucinate giant spiders. And you're still just going, "Give me a stick. I'm not dying out here." With NO hope, running on NOTHING, you're ready to cut through a hundred miles of hostile jungle with nothing but a stick, if that's what it takes to get to safety. All I'm doing is handing out sticks. You're the one staying alive.

((hugs))
PS. You often won't get immediate responses here. I just want you to know that up front. People are here at all different times of day, so sometimes it takes a little while.

Thanks sadiegirl,

I like the reading you provided and I can see that it is uplifting and offers hope. I think all of the thoughts that people with depression feel (unlovable, bad person, etc.) are in fact a result of depression.

But, with me, all of those thoughts I have about how worthless I am, how I'm nothing, those beliefs are actually true. My story is too long to write it here, though I wish I could because I have no doubt that if you or anyone else were to know it, know me, you'd likely also feel that I really am just a bad person. That, when considering the total picture, I am probably better of dead.

I wish deep down that I was someone lovable, valuable, even if I couldn't see it yet. I'd still be depressed, but at least then I would feel I deserve to get help. I just can't get help. I don't deserve to get better. And, I can't talk to anyone anymore about what's going on with me because I haven't always been there for others.

I came here, but was hesitant because it's scary knowing that even people that don't know me might hate me. So, I'm grateful for your response and I appreciate it.

Thank you, again!

This might be a sign for a radical change in your life and to work on your self esteem and spirit. You may be ready for growth. Hugs and good luck

Thank you, looney1. I appreciate the encouragement.

For me, it has been exclusively my son..his mother and I are no longer together & she is the primary care-taker so our time together (weekends) is priceless...I find myself in deep despair when I have to take him back to his mothers and return back to my apartment - it is like the empty nest syndrome, only weekly & it's not something I get used to..

I can only handle each day singularly...like taking small bites of a food you really don't want to eat...

My cats are my best buoy in life -- one of them in particular will NOT leave my side if she sees that I am not feeling well.

As far as in being in debt for life: Many people die in debt but money (debt or non-debt) should not define your life. If you can stay afloat, that is keep paying the bills that is enough.

Children help me to keep enjoyment in life - seeing pets who are loved helps and taking time to watch nature.

BUT what has helped me the most is to focus each day on keeping enough hope alive in my life that I don't sink down -- because once you get to a certain level, it makes it very hard to see up.

Therapy helps. Yes you will always carry your past but sometimes you will be more in the moment and creating a future - if you are lucky find good people who care - look for honest warmth from others -- it is out there.

Same place, my friend, same place x

New here, in a similar place as the first poster and really appreciate the responses.