I don't necessarily feel that I am in crisis (yet...), but I am not sure where to post or start. I am new to this and this is my first discussion. I have been battling Major Depressive Disorder for 3 and 1/2 years now pretty constantly. I've had my ups, my psychiatrist and I have thrown around the idea of BiPolar type II, but mainly, mostly, almost constantly, I am down. I've gotten to a point where I can sense that my husband and friends are getting tired of hearing about it whenever I hit a low point. I also feel that I am not doing all that I can to get better. For about a month now, I have been very low without much relief. My relief comes from taking Ritalin for ADD, which gives me a little energy burst, but coming down from it gives me panic attacks, for which my anxiety medication is no longer really helping. I have also talked to my doctor about this.

Anyway, I've been through the runaround. I've been on multiple antidepressants since 2012 and I finally have been able to function on a level that at least gets me to go to work 3 days out of the week without freaking out because I'm afraid of having a panic attack.

Lately, as in the past month, I'm very disorganized and unmotivated. We keep a gun in the house for safety that my husband has hidden from me because he knows my mental state is not good. I can't even seem to write this post in a way that is organized enough for me to actually tell you what is even going on. I have no energy at home. I have been self medicating with alcohol more than 4 times a week. I can't even seem to get a grocery list written. I've gained 10 pounds in 2 months. I'm not motivated to clean. My hygiene is poor. I know that I need help, but I don't know where to start.

I have ADD, MDD, and panic disorder, sometimes with agoraphobia. I do not do well being alone. I work 3 days a week while my husband works 5, so I spend a lot of time home alone. We moved to Houston about 4 and 1/2 years ago and coming from a small town in Mississippi, I have found it very difficult to make friends. My social life revolves around my friends back home who come to visit me and vice versa when life allows us time to make the 8 hour trip.

I was very desperate for help around April of this year, to where I wanted to be committed (voluntarily) and I found out that my insurance does not offer mental health coverage. I saw a therapist briefly and quickly learned that I was not going to be able to afford it because, again, no mental health benefits. I think that that's kind of odd--but what do I know?

I have utilized FMLA to take time off of work too many times. I feel like that would be beneficial now and again, but I actually am proud that I've been going to work and getting through the 12 hour days. It's one thing that does help my self esteem.

There are things I know I need to do. I need to eat better and attempt aerobic exercise (which has been proven to be an excellent medication for depression). I need to develop a social circle and become involved in some sort of support group (I hope that Daily Strength helps!).

But--why can't I do those simple things? What is stopping me? Why is this so damn hard?

Any responses are appreciated. I want to become the fearless, brave, confident young woman I was when I married my husband in June of 2011. He strongly believes that woman is still hiding deep inside of me. I have my doubts. Any suggestions, tips, words of encouragement, any response will be greatly, greatly appreciated. Thank you all for taking a few minutes to read this.