Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I'm writing this because I have problems that I don't address because I am ashamed to have them. I have friends here that may look at me differently but I didn't really come here to make friends, I came here because I need help, saying that I do value the friends that I have made here.
I have no insurance, I can't get professional help although I did have it in the past. I won't except meds even if it was offered. I can do this myself. I don't want anyone to think that I look down on others that require meds because I don't. They just aren't for me.
I will give you an example of my average day.
6.am I get up and go to my aunts house and care for her and my dad. I do basic CNA care for my father and I help my aunt with daily chores.
9am. I go home and I usually sit at my house, doing nothing except writing on here and watching television. My mind runs idle and I get depressed because I can't work or have a normal life or what I would consider normal. I have chores around here that need to be done but I ignore them and do nothing. I have felt worthless for so long. This was pretty much my life for 6 years even when my wife was around.
1pm. I go back to my aunts, make sure they ate something for lunch and tend to anything that needs to be tended to.
2pm. I usually am home at this time because things go pretty smooth at my aunts during lunch. My mind runs idle and I am depressed and feel like I am paralyzed. I don't want to do anything productive.
5 or 6pm. I go back to my aunts take care of what ever needs to be addressed.
7pm. I usually have the rest of the night to wonder and sit and wait for a call from my aunt to tell me my dad has fallen. It's not as not that bad because he doesn't fall that much.
I only live 5 minutes away so I can be there in 3 minutes if it's an emergency. Both my aunt and father have dementia. My aunt usually hates me and curses me when I am there. She wasn't always like that. I love her dearly. I don't stay there long because of that.
When I am home I feel like I am just paralyzed by my depression. I feel lonely because the only people that I am around daily are demented and I can't have a intellectual conversation with them. I am a member of a social group that doesn't do anything. I am agnostic so church isn't an option.
I just don't have the same beliefs and I feel like a hypocrite sitting in church and acting like I believe in that. I have no problem with what others believe but can not conform to those beliefs. I have isolated myself and I don't know how to make friends with my life the way it is.
I have low self esteem issues.
I don't know how to really make friends.
I don't have anyone.
Besides those issues I have a whole bunch of crap that I wrote about in my journal that only my close friends on here really know about. I will give a brief view of my history.
I am a widower. She died a year ago.
My stepson has always been a lying manipulative individual that constantly spread lies about me and I had my son taken away from me because of the lies that came out of his mouth.
Shortly after my wife's death I was informed by family that my stepson had been molesting certain members of the family.
Before my wife had passed I was taking care of her, my dad, my aunt, and my stepson. I never got any help from her family. They only criticized me and told me how worthless I was. They said that all the time but they never offered any help except they had my Stepson most of his teenage life because he wouldn't respect the rules in me and my wife's home.
Like I said I posted more about that stuff in my journal.
I mainly posted this because I am tired of being paralyzed with my doubts and insecurities. I guess I just needed to get this out, despite feeling like a winning bitch. Look at me my life sucks I don't know how to carry on. Yeah I know it's pathetic, but that's how I feel.
I have no insurance, I can't get professional help although I did have it in the past. I won't except meds even if it was offered. I can do this myself. I don't want anyone to think that I look down on others that require meds because I don't. They just aren't for me.
I will give you an example of my average day.
6.am I get up and go to my aunts house and care for her and my dad. I do basic CNA care for my father and I help my aunt with daily chores.
9am. I go home and I usually sit at my house, doing nothing except writing on here and watching television. My mind runs idle and I get depressed because I can't work or have a normal life or what I would consider normal. I have chores around here that need to be done but I ignore them and do nothing. I have felt worthless for so long. This was pretty much my life for 6 years even when my wife was around.
1pm. I go back to my aunts, make sure they ate something for lunch and tend to anything that needs to be tended to.
2pm. I usually am home at this time because things go pretty smooth at my aunts during lunch. My mind runs idle and I am depressed and feel like I am paralyzed. I don't want to do anything productive.
5 or 6pm. I go back to my aunts take care of what ever needs to be addressed.
7pm. I usually have the rest of the night to wonder and sit and wait for a call from my aunt to tell me my dad has fallen. It's not as not that bad because he doesn't fall that much.
I only live 5 minutes away so I can be there in 3 minutes if it's an emergency. Both my aunt and father have dementia. My aunt usually hates me and curses me when I am there. She wasn't always like that. I love her dearly. I don't stay there long because of that.
When I am home I feel like I am just paralyzed by my depression. I feel lonely because the only people that I am around daily are demented and I can't have a intellectual conversation with them. I am a member of a social group that doesn't do anything. I am agnostic so church isn't an option.
I just don't have the same beliefs and I feel like a hypocrite sitting in church and acting like I believe in that. I have no problem with what others believe but can not conform to those beliefs. I have isolated myself and I don't know how to make friends with my life the way it is.
I have low self esteem issues.
I don't know how to really make friends.
I don't have anyone.
Besides those issues I have a whole bunch of crap that I wrote about in my journal that only my close friends on here really know about. I will give a brief view of my history.
I am a widower. She died a year ago.
My stepson has always been a lying manipulative individual that constantly spread lies about me and I had my son taken away from me because of the lies that came out of his mouth.
Shortly after my wife's death I was informed by family that my stepson had been molesting certain members of the family.
Before my wife had passed I was taking care of her, my dad, my aunt, and my stepson. I never got any help from her family. They only criticized me and told me how worthless I was. They said that all the time but they never offered any help except they had my Stepson most of his teenage life because he wouldn't respect the rules in me and my wife's home.
Like I said I posted more about that stuff in my journal.
I mainly posted this because I am tired of being paralyzed with my doubts and insecurities. I guess I just needed to get this out, despite feeling like a winning bitch. Look at me my life sucks I don't know how to carry on. Yeah I know it's pathetic, but that's how I feel.
Whatever I say may sound patronizing or like "pat" answers.
I just want to let you know that I read every word you wrote & that it sounds to me like you've gone through a tremendous lot of stuff.
I recognize the feelings of being ashamed of having people coming to the house because of letting it go. For me, that's a sign of my cluttered mind / feelings. (That's what happens to me). It also sounds like you're still needing to give a lot of yourself when you're currently running on empty.
Is that about right? or not?
I am glad that you have made a good few friends. Quality friends are precious. Somehow the word "purpose" comes to mind. I wish you could somehow grab onto a deep sense of purpose in life. From what you posted, you seem like one who IS a good friend - good qualities for being a friend.
In short, this is my way of saying I wish only the best for you. On a practical level with home care, for me if I do only set the timer for maybe 5 minutes & work on something - dishes, putting things away . . or whatever - it helps me a lot. I change around how long I set the timer - anywhere from 1 minute to 20 minutes.
Maybe someone else will come along & say something that will help you. :)
i reccomend you join the caregivers group here... they understand what youre going through and can give helpful support
also, during your downtime, where youre sitting paralyzed from depression, i reccomend getting outside... maybe look into playing disc golf with your son... its better than sitting there doing nothing... takes about an hour or two, depending on the course you find (they're everywhere), gets you good exersize and fresh air, and fills your time with better things than youre filling it with now
if you're legally responsible for your stepson, i reccomend getting him into treatment ASAP... you dont need insurance for that
and if you decide you want to talk to a therapist, you can look into easter seals... they help for free, without religion
i hope some of this helps
That said, I don't think what you've said or feel is pathetic at all, drew4lostluv. I also reread your post, and I'm not entirely sure which parts you were concerned about changing the way others felt about you. By the same token, I know that sharing feelings this profound and unpleasant to experience can be terrifying, but I admire that you've said what you wanted to say here despite that.
It sounds like vallonzek has provided a good resource, but, if you don't mind, I wonder if you couldn't also elaborate a bit more about your feelings on medication. To some degree, I (think) I understand based on your brief description, because I've been there myself; but I will say that, in many cases when making changes "on my own" feels completely impossible, or obstacles seem emotionally or mentally insurmountable, the right medication and/or professional can make the worst symptoms more manageable.
Wishing you wellness,
Elle
You are making slow progress with the dates and friends. Believe me I understand the letting the house go. I can never have people over because of years ago I did and people still talk about the mess in my house. We have cleaned since then, but it's always a mess compared to the "norm". But I have learned to do just a little a day. Take a baby step in that way. Get off the couch for a change and do 15 minutes of laundry. Folding, putting away. Believe me, it makes a world of difference of your mood and how things look. You can do this! Do it once, twice a day til you get it all done. Then move on to the next step or room.
It does sound like your Aunt and father need different care though. Is it possible to get them a CNA through an agency's instead. I was/ am a PCA and have worked with dementia patients who are difficult and could only imagine what it would be like if they were related to me. I know you probably will say you need to do this for them, but it is ok to say it is to much for us and we need help. Believe me, I could never take care of my parents and I did this for a living.
You have been through a lot and need to recover. You lost your wife, your son and your life really. You can get your life back one step at a time. Please take baby steps and know we are here to help you but you need to help yourself to. A lesson I learned the hard way when my husband had a breakdown from caring for me and left me. I learned to care for myself again. You Can do it. I promise.
I don't know how your finances are but you could join an online dating website. And you wouldn't necessarily have to spend too much money. You could always just meet for coffee.
I have a few friends who have done well with online dating. If you aren't interested in dating too often maybe you could see if there is an actual support group for caregivers in your city.
There are also support groups for people with depression in many cities. You just need an opportunity to get out and meet some people. You seem to be an articulant & attractive guy. I can't imagine you would have problems meeting girls or just friends once you get yourself out there.
Then personally, I try to do without & to work things out in a different way. LOL - I refused pain meds as much as possible with having my 2 girls. I didn't like to feel out of control. So I think I understand a bit where you may be coming from. THEN for others I totally recommend meds. I know that may seem crazy.
I found a counselor that helped me tremendously & it was a good fit. Talking things out face-to-face was so helpful. I can go back anytime. She let us pay on a scale according to income (or lack of it). Maybe the Easter Seals might be a possibility? It would be wonderful if you could find a counselor that works well with you. I thought of it as a life coach. --- Would your hospitals have grieving support groups or counselors? just a thought of maybe another avenue to pursue. They would also maybe have support groups for caregivers.
I really think that you're a very strong person deep down. I admire how you're going out there & making some friends, dating. You're working hard to figure out what steps to take or not take. You lost your wife only a year ago plus you have a lot of other things going on. You may FEEL pathetic, but you ARE NOT pathetic. A huge difference.
Here are some adjectives that I believe describe you as I read "between the lines" by what you told us here & how you responded. I hope this is OK.
truthful / honest
strong
caring / loving
loyal
deep thinker
--- These are some that come to mind right away. Each adjective equates with something you said or from something you did according to your posts.
This is why I think there is great hope for you to turn your life around as you wish to do. I wish only the best for you.
I like what people here have said; the part about making small steps each day to make things better.
I agree that medication is a very personal issue.
Huge hugs
About my dads CNA care it was put to a halt because they said that he was fit enough to tend to his self despite of his dementia. They want to put him in a home and I won't allow that.
I have always had mild boughts with depression bit the past 6 years have been hell.
Kellypat you better watch it because I am quite a flirt! Lol I'm just playing. I have been on a couple of dates and I made a couple of friends and I have had my heart broken. I also posted in healthy relationships on why I'm not ready to date.
I actually think the post is called
( This is why I'm not ready to date. )
I am a emotional roller coaster and I need to figure out how to put my emotions in check before I can have a healthy romantic relationship. I have made friends though.
2bfit thanks again you have helped out a lot and I value your opinion. ..
Thank you all.