it is realy late ...and I just can't sleep ...I am not doing good ...it is very hard ..for me ..right now ...I feel like I am crying inside ...like I have a lump in my throught ...trying not to cry ...I think I am stresed to ...I have been thinking of my dad and my trip to go see him ...I don't want to go there and be crying at him ..I want to be able to hold it together ....and I am realy going to work on that ....he is not doing well ....he has talked to the doctor about end of life ....he could have a month or a few months ....but every month he will get a bit worse ....so this will be my last time seeing him ...my last time ..hugging him ...but ...I have not been doing good for a long time ..and ..just not ...acnolaging it ....sticking my head in the sand ...I gess you could say ..untill I get a day like this when I don't know how much longer I can take it ......I am stuck ....I don't do all my house work just enought to get by ..and that was never me ....I don't get enough exersize ...and I feel like it is becoming a health issue at this time .....so I intend to see when the Jim openes here ....and join ....I don't call anyone ....I let my h do that ....I never wanted to tell even people in here how bad I was doing ....maby because that might make it more real ....and I was never one to ever ask for help I was always the one giving the help ....looking after everyone elese......I am on a shit loads of antidepressants ......this is the best they can do for me .......I took a sleeping pill so hopefully I will soon go to sleep ..and have a break from this pain ....i gess it doesent help that I have had a migrain for the past 4 days ......so I gees I could use some prayers .............not to worry I am a fighter anf I am just to stubburn to give up the fight ....tomorow is a new day ....a new beginning ......take care everyone ...sending big hugs your way ...God bless ...I keep you all in my prayers ....