Hi Butterfly, I dont know how to respond to your question but can only ask one of my own--- did you guys vow to love one another only if both were keeping the vow? I have learned that love is not an emotion. Love is an act of the will. So when he comes in the room you have a choice, regard him as an act of love that you will carry out by being polite and loving or react to his hostility with hostility of your own. You dont have to get real chummy- just be as good to him as you would be to someone you cared about. (or a stranger). If he is beating you thats a whole other story. But studies have shown that children do better, even if their parents fought,when they lived with both parents, than those who live in single parent households. Love is an act of the will.

Thanks for your reply... We did vow to love and respect each other, but I feel he has broken those vows. He has hit me in the past.. A few months back, he hit me and he was arrested. I took out a restrianing order. That was the first time it has gotten so bad... He asked me for forginess, said he was wrong for touching me and asked me for another chance. I gave him that chance.. he has not hit me since, but his attitude and temper are the same from before.

So hes a mad guy, probably not working (goes with mad). And the question is how to have him in your house without going nuts in the meantime?

How ever you decide to work it out (no hitting) make your children show him respect as their father and their elder. If they have picked up disrespect for you through his influence, nip it right in the bud. Dad is having a bad time, Mom and kids are there for him. (so easy to say all this and not at all easy to deal with in real life)/ These could be some starter goals.... just to renew the respect you both deserve and try to be kind or polite while speaking to him. Good luck!

Thanks... I just wish it was that easy.... It's like everytime I tried, something goes wrong. Like today, I worked 1/2 a day since I have to work tomorrow (I usually dont work on saturdays).. Well I got home and everything was ok. We picked up the kids from school and then we went to buy food. On the way back home, my oldest daughter drop his soda by mistake and he got extremely upset, actually more than usual. I tried to calm him down and he got very upset with me. He stopped the car to check the carpet of the car, then when he got back in the car, he started driving without a belt with a cop car right near by. I asked him to put his belt on to avoid getting a ticket.. When we parked the car, he left ahead and left me behind with everything we had. Then once inthe house, he refused to eat the food because he was upset... When I tried talking to him, he yelled at me... Now he is on a different room, while I came home early so that we can pend some family time together...

Sounds like you are trying to make it work with someone who isn't going to be a good partner. How did he end up back in your house after you got a restraining order?

Yes, the kids will be upset at the break up, they are upset by the violence and fighting too no doubt. You say you know he doesn't love you, he's just using you since he doesn't work.

I wouldn't worry about him, I'd worry about myself and my kids. I'd get rid of the guy. Maybe a counselor can help you work through this. Don't worry if he won't go - the counseling is to help you deal with this horrible situation, it's not gonna make him love you - nothing can do that.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's so sad when a partner won't do their part. Good luck to you and Big Hugs

Heretic,

After the restraining order, my kids were very upset with me and kept asking for their dad back.. Also he sent emails to our oldest daughter saying how he was wrong and how what happened made him realize how wrong he was.. He asked her to beg me to talk to him and when we talked, he promised me so many things and because I thought it was going to be the best for the girls I went ahead and did..But it only lasted a few weeks before everything went back to how things were before he left..

As for love.. Honestly i gave up on the idea of love.. I dont want to force anyone to love me.. I just wish to have respect and be treated right and at least have a civil relationship for the sake of the kids... But that is not always the case... And I never know when he is going to explode again...

get rid of him and take your kids to counseling. Kids tend to make things their fault. My son's wanted to be with my abusive husband and I found out later that is really common. The kids are scared, just like you. They don't have a chance if you keep you and them in this situation. speaking from experiance. The kids are reacting out of fear and possibly manipulation from him.

I am afraid too.. I feel trap... Can't seem to get out...