I am starting to believe that closure does not exist. Not to the extent people believe it to be anyways. I believe the idea of closure is just an illusion we tell ourselves at night so we can sleep peacefully, undisturbed by the reality of our demons watching over us. It’s a dark thought, I know. I’m probably being extremely melodramatic, too. What can I say? It’s just one of those days. 

And maybe this is just my opinion, but I feel like not everyone experiences true heartbreak. A true loss. That is not to say that people don’t feel pain because that isn’t true. I just believe that the amount of pain we endure reflects on the type of person for which we are, our backstories, and the environment and people we surround ourselves with. From watching, talking, and listening to others I have come to the conclusion that there are only a few people in this world that have experienced what I believe to be true agony. The type of pain you didn’t know could ever exist. A pain that is somehow worse than heartache. I’m talking about the kind of pain that is completely and utterly soul shattering. 

In this sense, I can only speak for myself on how I experienced that kind of pain. Pain can come from a multitude of things, so who am I to say where a person’s pain came from? I’ve probably just contradicted myself. Truth be told, I’m just writing as I go and watch where my fingers and feelings take me in this current moment. Anyways, like I said before, the kind of loss that I went through was soul shattering and heart breaking all at once. Because not only did I lose the person I loved most in the world --the person who I saw as my world-- but I also completely lost myself in the debris of what was once my reality. 

I won’t get into the details of what exactly happened because it doesn’t matter anymore. It shouldn’t anyways. The past is concrete unlike the future. And I will argue with anyone who tells me that there are three points in time: the past, present, and future. I believe that the present is like every new word that we read in a book we’ve never read before; a moment that bleeds into the next. A moment that can suddenly change by an unexpected word, thought, or even punctuation. Because of this, I believe that the present and future are all one in the same. Each moment is a chance for something unexpected to happen. It is uncertain. We just like to believe that we have some sort of control over it. To a certain extent we do. Yes, I am choosing to write out my random thoughts as opposed to doing schoolwork or taking a nap, but if my house were to suddenly explode… well, there’s nothing I could do to control that. Is any of this making sense? I doubt it. I have a habit of explaining my abstract ideas in a complicated manner. 

Anyways, excuse my ADHD, but back to my main point of… whatever it is that I’m trying to say. I want to change what I said earlier. The past does matter because it shapes us into the person we are to become. It’s cheesy but I believe it. What I meant to say was, it doesn’t matter how I lost him, because even if I could go back in time I’ll never get the closure that I want. There is nothing for me to do other than live in this long, unending moment we call the present. However, the pain that I went through will be carried with me for as long as I shall live. I will continue to live with the pain and manage it but it will never go away. 

The pain that was inflicted upon me is kind of like a scar you receive whenever you lose a limb. The scar will always hurt because I still remember what it was like to still have everything intact. Yes some scars fade, especially on the outside, but some of them will always ache. Some days are better than others but it’ll never go away. A lot of damage caused that wound and it mostly revolves around the fact that I lost myself (at least for today). I know I’m not the same person as I was before and I never will be. I’m not saying I wish I was the old me. The me that was ignorant to this kind of pain. What I’m trying to say is losing yourself regardless of knowing that you’re going to change still hurts. It feels like you’re being robbed of something. Robbed of your choice to change and/or being forced to.

I could go on for much longer, but I think I’ll end it here. I just needed to at least get some of these busy thoughts out of my head and onto paper. Something concrete. Something that I can see for myself. I’m a mess, but I’m doing okay and that’s what matters most. I’m learning and dealing with things in my own way. I always will be. Shit. We all are. Pain is a shitty thing to endure but it’s also aweing at the same time. It makes us love harder, live more, and fight wiser. I have to believe that it makes us grow into the beautiful and strong things we are to become.