Ok, I stopped cutting a year ago, and now Im going through a lot of stuff that is making me want to again. This should be in the self injury support group, but there is a reason Im putting it in here. Because I am trying so hard not to go back to that, I am sinking back into depression despite the two antidepressants I am on. On top of that I am getting supper paranoid. I have a long distance relationship going on right now and we talk online everyday, but I havent talked to her in Three or Four days. I dont know if I said something and she doesnt want to talk to me anymore, if her mom grounded her from the computer or what. But like I said, Im getting really paranoid, and Im worrying if she doesnt love me anymore, if she ever really did, if maybe someone hurt her, her mom was drunk and handling a gun the other day so Im really freaking out right now and I dont know what to do. Plus on top of all that worrying, I was messed up in a lot of online stuff that I have been trying really hard to stay away from and now I end up seeing pictures or something that is reminding me of what I was doing and it scares me, and I just start crying. Its not me that was doing that stuff and I just remember what I was doing, no details like as if I blacked out or whatever and all that, is just making me want to end it more than anything. Im literally in a lot of pain about all of it and I dont know what to do about anything Im just sitting here not knowing what to do. I cry and try to focus on things I need to focus on and I cant because Im so paranoid n stuff. I think Im hurting so much that Im beginning to make myself go numb. I was thinking what if my gf was mad at me for something and broke up with me, and Im super freakin sad about it but its like Im fighting with myself that I should just not cry over it, not feel sad over it, even though I love her so much. Im telling myself if she did then dont ever get into another relationship, if you do get into a relationship dont fall in love, fight yourself until u cant fight anymore, do not under any circumstances fall in love, no one will ever care about you, its no big deal, you may want love more than your own life but you will never get it at all. I just need someone to help me, any pointers of how I can deal with this, or what the hell is going on. I just dont know anything. I have been cleaning everything to try and keep myself from thinking about whats going on b/c if i think about it I will always think of the worse and then I will hurt myself emotionally with the no one will ever love me thing....idk what to do. Anything?