Hi this is my first time on a support group I found this when I contacted a Crisis textline. I have a long story as all of us battleing depression have. Long story short I haven't seen my father since second grade, I actually call him my sperm donor because a father is someone who cares about you, When I found out I had to spend a week with him I almost took my own life. I spent two weeks in a mental hospital and was stable ever since. In sixth grade I was diagnosed with a spinal cord tumor and right before my birthday found out that there was nothing they could do to help me. In 7th grade I had a surgery and they removed 30% off the tumor. When I came back most of my functions were gone and so were my friends. In 8th grade everything went downhill I was put in a intensive outpatient program for people with depression. Everything became too much with my sperm donor and my friends that I had planned out my whole suicide. I hid a bottle of pills in my room and was going to leave the note that I had written during math for my family. As the day went on I couldn't do it because I though I was being selfish by ending my pain but giving it to my family even though I still know that everyone would be better off without me here. I am also terrified of whatever happens when you die. I told my social worker and was put in a day program which I hated I actually lied and told my mom I was discharged when I wasn't but ended up telling her, I was lucky though I was almost put in an overnight program. Right now I am starting highschool in a couple of weeks and my latest thing has been swimming. I used to be a decent swimmer but when I came back in the pool it started to feel like torture. This may sound like no big deal but it is bothering me so much that I want to kill myself so I won't have to make the decision. I need any input anyone has to offer. Please help me, Thank you.