Depression - Teen Support Group
Teen depression is marked by persistent sadness, discouragement, loss of self-worth, and loss of interest in usual activities. Depression can be a temporary response to many situations and stresses. Teens may be more susceptible to depression due to the normal maturation process, the stress associated with it, and conflicts with parents as they become more independent.
I came here about 5 years ago, ready to end my life. This silly website was the thing that saved my life. I was 13 years old and I wanted to die. Now I'm 18. I went through hell and back and now I'm lost again. I was molested. I spent the last 8 years of my life trying to forget what he did to me. Pretending it didn't happen. I realize now. I never got over it. Never got over my depression. I suppressed it. And yesterday that disgusting man I'm forced to call my grandfather brought it all back. He came up to me and said "I know you're pissed at me all the time. I know why. I know what happened was wrong but I can't do anything about it" I told him I did not want to have this conversation and he said "well i don't care it happened.." and that;s when I ran out. It happened. The torture that is going to last my entire life happened to me. And it's because it makes me feel so dirty and worthless and disgusting and violated and I let it happen. I know he is the one in the wrong, but I let it happen and I just wish I could have stopped it but I've dealt with nightmares and keeping this secret from my family and I can't. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep going on. It's like God fucking laughed in my face. I went to church and for the first time in years, I prayed and what God gave me was the fucking sick bastard looking in my face and EXPECTING me to listen and forgive him. He molested me for FIVE FUCKING YEARS. and that's what I get. I don't know if I can explain it properly. It's like your best friend dying, the pain. Because really it's like your innocence of childhood died. It was torn apart and you feel so disgusted with yourself and you can't stop thinking about every touch that hit your skin and you want to throw up. All the time. When I was 12, I had that feeling. Then two years later it went away. And now, now I know it's not going to go away so I feel like I have to make myself go away.
what your grandfather did to you is NOT right and that is on HIM. it was NOT your fault. don't blame yourself. do NOT blame yourself. it's NOT your fault.
i guess your post hit home for me....especially when you said "...i let it happen...i know he is the one in the wrong, but i let it happen.."...but did you see what you wrote afterwards? you wrote "i just wish i could have stopped it"....
that's where you need to really stop and think about those words. you couldn't have stopped him....not even if you *wanted* to. only HE could have stopped himself. but he didn't. because he's WEAK. he is your GRANDFATHER....someone who is suppsed to protect you from outside threats....not take advantage of his child's offspring. you're his BLOOD.
i used to be mad at God. i used to blame him for EVERYTHING that went wrong in my life...because i had no one to blame....i needed someone to blame...so i blamed God...because he was the only one there. there was even a time where i just stopped believing altogether. i questioned him....why did he just leave me there? why did he let it happen to me? was i not good enough? was he punishing me because i didn't go to church EVERY sunday??
i stopped going to church. i stopped praying. when people would even mention him i would scoff and not listen...because i was convinced that 1) God didn't love me....or 2) he just didn't exist...
about four or five years after i stopped talking to him....i guess i was on a mission to prove that he didn't exist. people would come door to door, preaching and spreading the Word...and when they would come, i would ask BILLIONS and BILLIONS of questions. bombard them with all the "what if this" and "what if that"...
then...one day, they came...and i asked why God would hurt people...put them through anguish and hardships....and their response stopped me in my tracks. it is not God who does these things and makes everything difficult. it is Satan.......not once had i ever put Satan in that equation. not ONCE.
i'm not here to preach....sorry, getting carried away. but i went through something similar...where i prayed and prayed and prayed my heart out to God....and within a week, i saw my abuser. it's upsetting...and it leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
over-working yourself will not make it "go away"...."forgetting" will not make it go away. you need to face it head on. acknowledge it. don't deny it. it's been eight years since the "last experience" and i can honestly say that working through it was hard, but it's a lot easier than building up this fake world (a world where nothing happened and you just try to live the way you think you would've lived if "it" never happened)....
...because when the fake world begins to crumble (and it WILL crumble...at least once a year for me)...the reality of what happened will show through....and it will be as if your abuser is doing the wrong he did to you so long ago.....but worse....because it'll be in your head, playing over and over....and THAT is the worse feeling.
talk about your experience. write it out. free yourself of that pain. keep your head up and breathe. you're NOT alone, and your grandfather cannot hurt you anymore.