Brownie,

Honestly, I see nothing you have done wrong.

You can not support him on the amount you would earn while living in his state. How is this your fault? If his mom wants to be mad at somebody for you two not being able to stay there, shouldn't it be him for not working? Her reaction to both of you seems controlling, over-dramatic, and self-centered.

This is not your fault. His avoidance of looking at options realistically is another part of depression. "If I don't have to see it then I don't have to face it."

And when his mom got on you and said things like she can't trust you, he should have stepped up and defended you.

I am so sorry things have gone this way.

We are here for you!

I agree with everything bpd said. I can't see how any of this is your fault. You tried moving there for him, you tried applying for a job and the numbers just didn't cut it, that's life and when it comes to being able to provide for yourself and the man you love, financial stability is very important and thats what you were trying to do for his sake. True, he may have been happier there around his family but if you both could barely survive financially, how would that have affected his depression?
I really cant understand why his mother reacted that way but give her some time to cool off, hopefully she'll change her mind about his brother for his sake, but this IS NOT your fault.

I have to agree with bpdistough and Ski23. You have done everything to make everyone else happy. He shouldn't hate you, he should be thanking God he has someone who cares for him like you do. I also have to mention that how is your husband supposed to take custody of his brother if he can't care for himself? This wound then fall on you too. Please Brownie, think carefully. It just seems like this relationship is all one sided. I know you love him, but it seems like he is taking advantage of you and using depression as an excuse. Start laying some ground rules. Go home, tell him to start showing some initiative. If he wants to go back home, let him. My feeling is that once he has "his space", he will start to see some reality. He can't do that if you always try to solve his problems. Speaking from experience and I am worried about you.

I'm so sorry you are having to not only be responsible for your finances, support him financially, support him through depression, plan for a future supporting his special needs brother, AND have to deal with his mother's emotional attacks. (Emotional blackmail & manipulation are both really scummy things to do)
Bottom line is that you are doing everything you can to make a better life for yourself and him. Don't forget that he always has a choice. If staying in his hometown was so important to him, then h should have gotten himself a job so that he could stay there. It's not your fault you can't support him there.you did your best. He needs to take some responsibility for the circumstances too.
As for his mother? Maybe living in a different state is not sch a bad thing if she's so toxic whenever things don't go her way. Not impressed with her at all. She should be at your feet for everything you do for her son. Most of which she probably has no clue about.
Good luck. I hope everything works out for you. Just don't buy into the crap. You know you are doing everything you can, and that's all anyone can ask of you.

Thank you to all of you! I can't tell you how much I appreciate the love and support from each of you.

I am finally just about settled... still moving in but settled. We woke up the next morning and talked and talked and cried and cried. I told him I was out of energy. I really am... theres nothing left in me to try this stuff anymore for him. I told him if it's his home he wants to live in we needed to be there now or never. He would have to make it happen in the future or simply take this opportunity I have now and run with it.
He opted to stay in my home with my job... I double checked with him on the whole 1000 mile drive back to my hometown. I reiterated that I would not try this again. I was done trying to work my butt off to try to go somewhere else. He said he understood over and over again and he said that he knew he wanted to return back to my hometown. We stopped in the town at the half way point and stayed the night there... we woke up and I said this is it... we either go east or west... you decide. Back to my hometown we went. We got an apartment immediately and moved right in and I started work 3 days later. Life has been busy! Moving back into work, moving into my new apartment, building up my trustworthiness at work ensuring to them that I am not leaving, and of course being the depression supporter which in itself is a full time job. And trust me.... it has been a really bad bought of depression. A 5 day period of not leaving the apartment. Days without eating. Days of binging. And very happy times he smiles and tells me he loves me.

But you know what you guys? I am great :)
Through the advice of my fellow depression supporters and all you have taught me over the past year I have truly activated my internal coping mechanisms and things are good. I have found my "happy" as one of my best friends so eloquently puts it :)
I truly KNOW I have gone above and beyond, bent over backwards, jumped through hoops and over hurdles to make this man happier.... I have led this horse to water and pushed that face in trying to force him to drink. I have done it all... the rest is up to him. And I know that me being happy helps him so that is great. But I have found my happy for me... not him. I needed peace and closure with trying to help his depression. I have it. Things are great! I don't feel guilty whatsoever. I smile each day :) I am happy and beaming at work! Last year a new young lady began working with me. She is so sweet and happy all the time. Around March she told me that she hates that she sees me cry a few times a week because I shouldn't be so sad all the time! Do I cry that much? Thats what ran through my head... but I did!!! I was that woman crying while working half the week!!! She noticed it and it bothered her.

I haven't cried yet :) And I will... we all need a good cry. But... I have my happy. I am focusing on me! I am focusing on my happy and ensuring my flourishment in life.

Betterthan, you are right. I too am worried for me a little I have to be honest. I do feel so one sided and so used sometimes. At this point I am continuing, I do love him so. But I acknowledge that there is nothing I can do for him. So...I shall do for me. It is my turn in life! The past 5 years of our life I have devoted to him to make him happy. Now... It is time for my happy again. :)

Bpdis... thank you for always having such amazing insight and experience you're willing to share! I can't tell you how much I love reading your analyzation of the situation. It always is a breath of fresh air!!!

Ski... thank you for speaking my thoughts :) You really have spoken what I feel. It makes me feel validated... know I'm validated :)

And Finnmom! Hi :) I haven't chatted with you in awhile but I just wanted to say thankyou. You are one of the very first people who ever gave me advice here and I still to this day use it. "Asking a depressed person to help you with your own depression is like asking someone with two broken legs to help you with your broken leg." :)

You've all been amazing!! I hope you know how often and fondly I think of you!!
Hugs to each of you and smiles to fill the room! :)

Ummm....

Awesome :)

I am so happy to hear such a great tone in your post.

I am happy for your happiness!

Please keep us posted on how things are progressing.

Take care!

I am trying to hang on to my happy :)

It is tough... he is depressed. I can't help but wonder how he would be feeling if we had stayed out there. Would he be depressed? He would have massive pressure on him from his family to go to work and pick up lots of hours! He would feel an immense amount of anxiety because it would be so difficult to afford life out there with my little pay. So his pay would have to make the difference.
He is so sad you guys. :(
I wish I could make this easier on him, on me, on us. I don't know what I can do.... I know it is not up to me. I know it is up to him... but my goodness! If he could smile and be happy again!
I miss him. I miss him greatly. I want to just be in his arms again and stay there all day. I miss us. I hope he comes to soon and we can be together and enjoy our time.

Stop the What If's. Stick to your guns and focus on you being happy. He needs to see that he cannot manipulate you with his depression. You cannot make him happy, only he can do that if he chooses. If you make yourself happy, then at least one person is happy. So glad to hear from you. Had been thinking about you alot.

So glad you finally updated us :)
I'm glad you had been feeling good! It was probably a relief for you to make a decision and not feel like you're in limbo. :)
It sounds like you've had some rough days after you're initial positive post and I'm so sorry for that :( . But like betterthan said, you can not use what if thinking! To be honest with you, I feel like when a person is depressed, there is absolutely no scenario that would make them happy. Heck, when my husband and I went on a 9 day tropical vacation last winter, he was STILL grumpy and unhappy at points. It's true what they say that people make their own happiness. No one can do it for you, no matter how much they may want to, so beating yourself over how you can "make Him better" is like a dog chasing his own tail. Haha. It's not going to happen, he has to do it. But I'm convinced that once he decides to do that, having someone like you in his life will make it easier for him. Just take a moment brownie, and all of you reading this and realize just how awesome you are. None of us have to be doing this. It would be so much easier to leave, but we don't. You are faithful, supportive, and so loving to have done everything you did and to continue to do it. So like you said before, for now focus on your own happiness, take care of you, because that's really all you can do right now. :)

Thank you :)
To both of you :)
You are right.... I can only make me happy. We make our own happiness. We can't control or help anyone else who isn't ready to be helped.
I do love him so dearly... I am working with him to get things to be better. He wants to write so we are going to attend writing workshops together :) One seminar is next week so we will see how that goes :) Well, I hope!
I am trying to stay strong... my own emotions have been getting the better of me over the past week making it worse for both of us really. I am really trying to pull myself together so that we have one of us strong :)
I feel better yesterday and today... I just have to stick to my guns and continue to feel better!
Thank you though... Ski. You're right! We are awesome people. We don't have to do this but we love them and care for them to do this. I know at some point they will have to show effort and change for us to continue, and if they don't we will cross that path as we get there.
I know that is what has kept me strong. I can see how each year gets better and better. Last year was our best.... until that day my dad stopped by. Since then things have been difficult for both of us really. It gave us a very big setback. :( But... we are rebuilding and trying to pick up those pieces so that we can continue progressing.
Thank you :)

I'm glad you're trying to stay positive and he's interested in writing. That's wonderful! It'll be great for him to have an outlet and possibly a way to express himself constructively.
Also, make sure you do that for yourself. I know you try to keep it together and be strong in front of him, but make sure you give yourself time to assess your own feelings and deal with them. Rather this means allowing yourself five minutes to cry a week, or journal or scream when you're by yourself.... Haha. Just make sure you are acknowledging your feelings to yourself and know that having them is ok. I find for me, the more I bottle them up, the more likely it'll explode later. :)