Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
We've been married for 16 years and have two children under 11. One of the boys has a medical condition which is draining and creates it's own anxieties.
My husband has been depressed on and off for as long as I've known him. It runs in his family and extended family.
Up until about 2 years ago, he was in denial. I would call him out on his 'moods' which were hard to live with and drained all the joy out of our lives. He would blame me and say he was 'reacting' to me being weird with him. Never took responsibility. Finally after a severe and long dark spell, he admitted that he might 'sometimes' be depressed but that he can get over it himself. His bouts are becoming more frequent. They start off with his bad temper, snapping at me and the kids until I finally have to say something and then it's all my fault and my giving out to him is the problem! Then it's basically silence or noised in reply but no real conversation or interest in me or the kids.
This morning he was walking to the car and my youngest called him back for a hug and we all heard him say 'for f***s sake! your timing is great' just because he had to walk back a few steps to say goodbye. He was in no rush and wasn't late for anything. How does this make our children feel? I know how it makes me feel.
What really bugs me is that I know he makes huge efforts to be pleasant to his colleagues and his family but he doesn't make the same effort with us. That hurts.
I have decided to grit my teeth and get through Christmas and in January I'm telling him to get help or I can't live with him anymore. I don't know if I love him anymore as my overriding emotion now is just dread and regret, there's little space for love.
I feel that my kids and myself would be better off without him. I know that leaving him will have a huge emotional and financial impact on our family but I've reached the point where I've weighed it all up and I can take no more.
If he was a diabetic and he refused to go and get medical help or insulin, everyone would say I was crazy to keep 'caring' for him. Well depression can be treated too.
I know mine does that too- makes big efforts with others and not me- so many people don’t see how low he is or how low he gets... it is so hard!
I’ve been talking to mine about getting help again too, he used to go to therapy and stopped. But he definitely needs to go again.
Have you talked to him about the efforts he makes with others and the short fuse he has with you? That might be something to talk about... I don’t think anyone wants to be that person so maybe bringing it to his attention would help you both? I know it’s hard.. eggshells areeverywhere and we constantly navigate them... but just a thought?
THIS is the HARDEST part for me. You are so right. What I try to remind myself is that I know my husband exhausts his efforts with others, and then when he’s with me he feels safe and can let the true colors of depression show. It’s a release for him knowing he doesn’t have to put up that “act” with me. But that by no means makes it any less hurtful. It is so hard to experience this. Sending love and hugs to you!!