Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
I just read a post about a dad making his six year old cry over a carrot. Similar scenes have played out in our house. In addition, our kids see that something is not right with the way their dad reacts (either with anger or with withdrawal), but they have no idea what is going on.
I don't want to make the depression aspect of our household a big deal, I'd rather keep it in the background. But our older kids get that something is wrong, our little kids just experience it. And when they are left hurt and bewildered by encounters with their dad sometimes, I do the best I can to make them feel loved without making their dad the bad guy (also a note - I am step mom to our older kids, and obviously want to protect the relationship they have with their dad).
When is it appropriate to explain to kids what is going on? How do you tell them about depression without making them think their depressed parent is somehow broken? How do you tell them it is not really their parent's fault without suggesting that the behaviour is OK (and end up with a child that imitates their depressed parent's behaviour patterns because the depressed parent seems to get away with it)?
Opinions? Ideas? Advice? I'm hoping for a discussion.
Thanks again to all of you :)
I don't want to make the depression aspect of our household a big deal, I'd rather keep it in the background. But our older kids get that something is wrong, our little kids just experience it. And when they are left hurt and bewildered by encounters with their dad sometimes, I do the best I can to make them feel loved without making their dad the bad guy (also a note - I am step mom to our older kids, and obviously want to protect the relationship they have with their dad).
When is it appropriate to explain to kids what is going on? How do you tell them about depression without making them think their depressed parent is somehow broken? How do you tell them it is not really their parent's fault without suggesting that the behaviour is OK (and end up with a child that imitates their depressed parent's behaviour patterns because the depressed parent seems to get away with it)?
Opinions? Ideas? Advice? I'm hoping for a discussion.
Thanks again to all of you :)
I have no kids, but always have advice :) Seriously, though I was a teacher until I recently became disabled and worked with kids from kindergarten through 12th grade at some point or another.
Kids KNOW something is not right. I am sure you have noticed that. No matter what age they are.
For young kids, I think it is totally appropriate to tell them that Dad is "sick." That is the truth. Depression is an illness with physical symptoms. Let them know that it is not something they talk about at school or with their friends, but if they have questions they can ask you. I think they would understand if you told them that when Dad is really not feeling well he can get angry quickly or say things that hurt but that he still loves them and doesn't mean it, he is just not feeling well.
Remind them of this when they are upset. Let them ask questions when they have them.
For older kids (the age depends on the kid, but I am thinking somewhere between 5th and 7th grade), I think it is appropriate to tell them exactly what is wrong with Dad. Explain how it effects him. Talk with them about hot it is truly an illness that effects millions of people throughout the world. I don't know any off the top of my head, but I am sure there are also books written for this age group on this subject. If you can afford it, I would also leave the option open for them to talk to a counselor if they want. I would still explain that this is a private family matter and they shouldn't discuss it with their friends. Not because it is something to be ashamed of, but because there are rude, ill-informed people in the world who could make their Dad's life harder than it needs to be.
Maybe a school counselor (if their school still has them) would know an age-appropriate book.
I will check back to see if you want to discuss more. This is a great topic.
I am a little slow to respond these days because I have so much going on personally, but always try and get there.
Take care!
The issue became more practical than theoretical yesterday. My husband had withdrawn from the five of us, and the older kids noticed. The next moment the older two had with me away from their dad, one asked "Is Dad in meltdown mode?" I was relieved to have the subject finally broached. WE grabbed a quiet spot in a store and I told them that their dad was sad, and that he didn't process sadness very well. I told them it was not their fault, and that there was nothing they could do about it. I told them their dad loves them very much, and that he'd come out of it in a little while. I told them they could ask any questions whenever they wanted.
I've decided not to mention anything about depression for the time being because of our particular family scenario. Knowing that their dad is sad and doesn't process it well is a great start, and I think gives them all the info they need for now.
Be able to talk about it with them!!!
I think you did a great job in doing that. Opening up to someone else who is experiencing some of what you're experiencing is a great stress reliever for you too!!
I do think that it's such a sensitive subject overall. I know often times with kids we say that when they have family stuff going on at home it's hard to focus at school because they're focused on their worries instead. I think that talking to them is a good idea so they know they're not alone. Think of how relieved you felt to talk about it the other day? I bet those kids feel just as much relief knowing try can talk to you about it :)