I've been away from this board for a while. Quick recap...I have a wonderful husband with (what I believe to be) undiagnosed depression. When he is himself, he is fun, kind, interested and interesting. He works hard and takes his role as a Dad seriously. He cares for me and our kids, worries about everyone, and loves to plan weekend activities for us. He just goes down sometimes (about twice a week for the evening or the whole day). Sometimes he is sad but tries to stay with us. Sometimes he decides that he is upset with me (he did not like the salmon I served one night and went cold on me for the evening) and justifies what is essentially the silent treatment as my fault for doing whatever "I did".

Then there is me.......missing him, sad for him, perplexed by what is going on, afraid that he will just decide that I am the cause of his unhappiness and break up our family, and having a hard time accepting that I accept that someone can treat me like this.... and a little mad that he does not try to figure out what is wrong and work to get better

I am trying to identify the most helpful course of action when my husband goes down. From reading other people's posts and a lot of really helpful responses to those posts, I'm trying to stay supportive of my husband. To tell him that I love him and I am here for him. And when I think he is being rude to me, I explain that I love him, but that I am not going to subject myself to insult. I tell him that I will give what he gives. I tell him that I am there for him when he comes back.....and when he does come back I try to let whatever just happened go. No apologies required, let's just get back to enjoying each other and our family.

Sometimes I'm not as good at this as I would like. I get lonely. I have just spent an entire weekend staying supportive, being there for him, without him reciprocating. Getting little more that deep sighs back from him. It's hard to stay up myself (I go to counselling when I need it, I eat well, exercise and am trying to get more sleep and meditate).

I read a great post today that spoke about depressed spouses that want to get away so that they do not feel like they are hurting anyone, or dragging their spouse down. It gave me the push I needed to keep trying, and to not make him feel like he is dragging me down.

I miss my husband. I worry about him. I worry about our marriage. Most of all, I worry that my husband will live his whole life without allowing himself to accept that he is wonderful, that no one is perfect and he doesn't need to be either. I worry that he will never accept himself for who he is...which is a wonderful husband and father who is just way too hard on himself.

Thanks for listening.