Can relate very well brownielove. Cannot keep it all in. Not good in so many ways including physically. You did not "lose" it, you simply couldn't keep it squashed any long. Gentle with yourself my friend. You have borne a lot. The cafe idea is a great idea! You can create a "me" day each week. Doesn't have to be a whole day, just like you said, a little thing here and there that lets you feel nurtured yourself. Walks are also a great way, even around the neighborhood.

Would really help if there was someone you could talk to and allow the feelings to just come out. If a counselor, or good friend is not available even to try writing it down. Don't think, just write write. Can even tear it all up after you're done. Little things my friend to help release.

Well done on taking care of yourself!

I must say I admire you. You are so much stronger than I am. I know they're sick and it's the disease talking, but if they aren't willing to do anything to help themselves, I just can't hang out while they continue to wallow in misery. It's really scary to think that there is a limit to how much I can stick by my husband, but that is my breaking point. I am willing to stick by and be supportive as long as there is effort on their part. I miss joy in life, I miss my family, I miss my husband. It really sucks not having a supportive partner you can talk to and rely on.

Writing... You are right nature walker. Writing has been my sanctuary all my life and it's something I have let slip away from me over the years. A large part because I write in a journal and sometimes fear if he read my thoughts on how I was feeling or dealing it would crush him. And since i have joined this forum I have found my posts to be my journals for over a year now. But still... It is something I need to pick up again. It is.

Oh thralkr,.. I wish I could say I were always strong. I spent last year crying daily. I came back to work after a vacation and a possible move last August. A dear sweet lady I work with... So young and happy :). She came up to me and said she was glad to see me smiling. She said I cried always before and that went away. I don't think I realized how much I cried before- but it's amazing what others see. And she was right. Today at work I nearly cried... 2nd time in the past 6 months at work. Of course both about being a depression supporter. Before... I went through a phase where 2 times in a week was good... Just glad it wasn't 5. :)
That breaking point.. It's hard. I decided a long time ago that I didn't have one with him. I love him more than anything and I will stick by his side through thick and thin. I also realized this likely meant our talk of children was dying. You have kids... I know kids become the loves of lives :). It's good and you must watch out for them and for yourself for them. It is just him and I. I am very alone without him. I have many friends and a wonderful group of coworkers. But I do not have family really. He is my family, his family is my family. My family is so distant- they are very disconnected from my life. :(.
I am one with my aloneness... I truly am. I am more explaining why I don't have that breaking point. It makes sense to have one. You save those around you and you make life happier by setting boundaries. He is boundaryless for me... I am for him. And without him I have very far away boundaries- no one comes close to being what he is for me. But kids.. If we had kids I know that all would change. As it should :). You are strong thralkr. I don't know how you are doing this so well. Stay strong and believe in you :)

For the record my few seconds of crying yesterday was followed by a flood of tears for over an hour today. Hysterical sobbing by myself in the other room trying to let it all out and regain composure. It is so hard to have these loved ones be this way. I know there are worse things for me.. I have been matched with someone who has a disease I can handle pretty darn well. I am grateful for that.
But man... Sometimes easy street just sounds so nice. :)

Don't feel bad for expressing your own emotions. You are entitled to have your own feelings about a situation. You are allowed to let yourself be overwhelmed, if just for a moment. These are the things that make us human. You are right, you should do something for yourself. You deserve a time in order to relieve stress, not only for yourself but also to keep your strength in dealing with everything.

I have, through counseling, finally learned how to make my life ok around his depression. I strongly encourage you to keep your vacation plan. For you. It hurts when they don't follow thru with plans, won't commit or do something for you when you do so much for him, I know. But I'm less resentful when I still get to do what I want. We are much happier as a couple since we make plans and I keep them, he can come or not as he sees fit.
Our last vacation he spent in the hotel room with the blinds shut the whole time. I had a great time exploring the city, got a nice tan AND we watched a couple movies together in the room. We were both happy.
Let yourself cry, it's good to let it out.

Oh you both are so right.
I ended up staying home with him yesterday and we talked a lot. Nothing is resolved but we are doing our vacation. We got the nicer room that he wanted and I will definitely do what I want to also. I think we will have a nice time :)
I do need to make sure I keep time for me to feel emotions and deal with situations. And making plans and keeping them... that is something I have let die off. I need to pick that up again... slowly over the past year (we had a big life altering event for him happen about a year ago where I felt very guilty because my family caused it) and since then I have been working very hard to make it up to him. Quitting things I love and stopping activities I used to do on a regular basis to spend more time with him. It hasn't been bad... we usually enjoy our time together a lot and have a wonderful time. I just am feeling like I need to reconnect with my things that I love... I need to make plans and keep them. Slowly one at a time. Maybe one yoga class a week for now.
I hope our vacation will be great... I have good thoughts for it :)

brownielove,
Thank you for posting! I admire your courage and you are my hero!
Linda

Thank you all :)

Thank you Linda... It is nice to meet new people. This site has been truly my lifesaver and my comfort for well over a year now :)
It is through my friends here that I have found peace.