Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
My Husband and I have been friends for 24 years, together 14. I believe he has alwasy had depression/anxiety but he has never had an offical diagnosis. He tried meds for a second a while back and has tried some natural herbs. He will not go to therapy and does no other self care. In the begining I used to just "love the shit out if him" but since I had my son in 2010 I just withdraw. I feel so burned out on trying to be suportive when he does not take any actions to take care of himself. As a positive and generally optimistic person I feel his depression sucking me in a little more every year. In some ways it feels like its slowly killing a part of me and now I'm starting to feel depressed. I dont know what advice im looking for, I just needed to vent. Im sure I feel liek most people here, torn between not giving up on someone I love or putting my wellbeing first. And to be honest, it gets harder every year to love him.
From what I have read on these posts, and from personal experience, there is a difference between someone-with-depression and someone-against-depression.
When you wrote that your husband "does not take any actions to take care of himself" this difference came to mind. In the first case, someone-with-depression is someone who doesn't fight against it; they just accept that their brain has difficulty with stress and they let the whole thing play out, regardless of how it affects others.
On the contrary, someone-against-depression is someone who actively tries to mitigate their depression. This can be through therapy, medication, exercise or a host of other methods to build up resistance to the effects of this disease. Now, there will be ups and downs; but at least the person has an attitude that they are against their depression.
What is your job in this? To stand up for yourself and your son. To be honest, if you support him while he does nothing to make himself better, what is his motivation to get better? You are picking up all of his slack. It will not be until you step back and show him what life is like without your support that he will see what is going on.
At that point, it is up to him. If he continues to be someone-with-depression, regardless of how it affects his wife and son, you need to put yourself and your son first. However, if he decides to become someone-against-depression, you will have a good change at keeping your family healthy.
It is indeed hard to change patterns set with your partners. In a way, it is helpful to realize that until something changes, your current life experience will be your life for the rest of your life! Why wouldn't it be unless something changes?
But, let me say this: you can make small changes first. It does not have to be an ultimatum. I have almost no knowledge of the depth of your relationship and this kind of thing requires sober decision-making. I encourage you to find small places where you can practice being "assertive" with your husband.
In a simple way, there are three ways people deal with conflict. The first is to be passive, which most supporters of people with depression are. The second is to be aggressive, which most people with depression are; even if they don't know that. The third is to be assertive. The difference between these three responses to conflict goes like this:
A passive person thinks of other people's needs and not their own. An aggressive person thinks of their own needs and no one else's. An assertive person advocates for their needs, but allows for the needs of others.
Good luck! You are worth fighting for! Practice being assertive!