Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
"I can't have anything to do with your family so I will need to just leav here and not live in the same state anymore."
What?! Anytime there's any interaction by my family and I he freaks out. I see mom about 2x a month for coffee and my sis and I keep up well and dad just in passing. NONE OF THEM see or talk to him at his request- works out because they honestly don't like people too much and really want nothing to do with anyone.
My sister, heaven forbid, just dropped off a gift at our front door from her most recent trip to Hawaii- lucky ;). She prob knew I was at work and might've been concerned to catch him on a bad day so she simply left it, I saw it as I walked in from work.
He flipped! He won't acknowledge it or anything.
Then today's conversation happens.
I am angry because he has nothing to do with them, then he explains that:
"I can't have them sending packages to my home, I don't want them knowing where I live or my address, I don't want to hear about them or ever have anything to do with them!"
All of course preceded by "I'm not asking you to choose or anything."
What?!?! How irrational!!! I don't understand him at all!!! He wanted to be close with my sister and her bf so we saw them a few weeks in a row- that was over New Years time- we played a board game on date 3 and he didn't like the way he felt so he said to call off that idea. He saw my mom last November. He hasn't seen my dad for over a year- that's pretty darn the se as not having anything to do with anyone. But I talk to dad every couple months and he doesn't like that, mom a couple times a month, and sister regularly.
There's nothing for me to do... So I sit and cry for now... It's time to cry it's been months of bottling it up.
What?! Anytime there's any interaction by my family and I he freaks out. I see mom about 2x a month for coffee and my sis and I keep up well and dad just in passing. NONE OF THEM see or talk to him at his request- works out because they honestly don't like people too much and really want nothing to do with anyone.
My sister, heaven forbid, just dropped off a gift at our front door from her most recent trip to Hawaii- lucky ;). She prob knew I was at work and might've been concerned to catch him on a bad day so she simply left it, I saw it as I walked in from work.
He flipped! He won't acknowledge it or anything.
Then today's conversation happens.
I am angry because he has nothing to do with them, then he explains that:
"I can't have them sending packages to my home, I don't want them knowing where I live or my address, I don't want to hear about them or ever have anything to do with them!"
All of course preceded by "I'm not asking you to choose or anything."
What?!?! How irrational!!! I don't understand him at all!!! He wanted to be close with my sister and her bf so we saw them a few weeks in a row- that was over New Years time- we played a board game on date 3 and he didn't like the way he felt so he said to call off that idea. He saw my mom last November. He hasn't seen my dad for over a year- that's pretty darn the se as not having anything to do with anyone. But I talk to dad every couple months and he doesn't like that, mom a couple times a month, and sister regularly.
There's nothing for me to do... So I sit and cry for now... It's time to cry it's been months of bottling it up.
We live a few miles away and have no involvement. I see my mom once a month or so for an hour. That's all.
All week he's been pulling from me. I feel he will leave me. I feel he will not stay by his actions. He does not want to live here anymore he's made that very clear. He does not want to ever see my family anymore he's made that very clear. I've been extremely clear that I will move but I can't do it alone- I need his help, physically, financially, emotionally... I am sad by his disconnected ways this week :(. I don't know how to handle it. I tend to be needy with hugs and cuddling but lately he looks at me as though he doesn't like me. I am hoping it's simply a phase of this round of depression but I am sad :(. I cried and cried about it this afternoon begging him not to give up on us.
Hoping for things to get better. Thanks all for listening.
Please don't sell yourself short. That's one thing I'm starting to recognize for myself. I deserve a partner who is a true partner, not someone who wants to me to cater to his emotional swings. I spent a year bending over backward to make my husband happy before he left, and it did not good at all. And in the mean time, I our relationship became lopsided. I took up a lot of slack just to try to make him happy, and it didn't make him happy at all. You have a right to expect your partner to support you too. He doesn't have to like your family, but he does have to be cordial, respectful and well behaved. It seems like he has just made them a target because he needs a target. Don't let him guilt you into cutting off your other relationships.
I think you need to take a mental break. Let him pull away and say what he wants and rant about leaving. Act normal as if nothing is wrong. Don't engage in those discussions. If he complains just say, my sister wan;t here for you she was here for me.
He sounds like his paranoia and anxiety is raging and all his coping mechanisms are not working right now (comic collectiong, hobbies, etc). I think its medication adjustment time. not that that is a full answer but its a start and maybe some more frequent therapy. Time for Mdicaid and Social Security.
If you think about it, you have all the control - finacially anyway and the decison as to where you both live, etc. The only thing he can control is YOU and the emotions he can evoke in you so he is exercising control where he can and its not appropriate. He probably feels emasculated and you are the target becuase even though you did not do this to him, he knows that without you he would be no where, have nothing and be living...well...where? You take care of EVERYTHING for him. Its hard to take for his state of mind I am sure. My hubs gets like this sometimes and the lash out about it comes right at me. I ge affected less by it now when it happens but it does still hurt even though now I understand it.
In all fairness, you know the saying you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends... I definitely didn't choose my family. ;) They're a little Cuckoo and a little self-absorbed. I understand someone who doesn't "have to" love them not loving them... definitely understandable. But, he doesn't have to have anything to do with them. It bothers him that his family is so sweet to me... that REALLY gets to him. I never know what to do about that... because you see his family is much nicer to me and much more in contact with me than my own family is. It isn't like my family is angelic towards me and not him. We get bad treatment from my family and great from his, it drives him nuts. And above it all we live close to my family and far from his.
I just have to stay focused on me... I have been working very hard on that... ME. I have to be selfish so I don't fall apart.