Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
Tonight has been a really bad night. Sometimes I think I'm not strong enough to handle this. I can't bare to see the person I love falling apart. He has sat here all night crying. I know he's in so much pain but there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I sit here and hold him, trying to comfort him, but I feel like sometimes he doesn't even want me there. He will turn to the dogs and hold them and cry into them before he reaches for me. I know it's NOT personal, I really do, but that doesn't make it any easier. I also know that he's probably in more emotional pain then I am or that I can imagine, but Im hurting too but I feel like I have to keep it a secret. From crying in the bathroom, or whenever he's not looking, and trying to put on a brave face in front of him. I just don't want to add any extra stress or guilt on him if he sees that I'm having a hard time with it but there's nothing he can do about it. I feel Like I'm suffering in silence through all of this because no one else seems to understand it. I can't tell my family, I have to just pretend everything is hunky dory when we talk on the phone, and although my best friend has always been there for me, she's had to hear about this for the past few years already, and I know it concerns her so I just try to keep it at a minimum. I'm just really hurting and Im starting to feel like I'm being dragged down into this depression too.
Its so tough.... They don't realize how much suffering they put us through. And every so often he does see me suffering and his solution is to leave me so he doesn't put me through this. Then we talk for a long time but it's bad at first. So it's definitely not worth him seeing me upset.
Is he improving? Do you see a change?
Those are the questions I keep asking myself. See what the cycle is. If he's improving that's a piece to keep looking forward to.
I wish you all the best :).
Remember we're all here for you :)
I've been journaling a lot lately since this all started and it allows me to vent and ramble. I try to only confide in my friend when absolutely necessary, and yes, this site has been a saving grace for me.
I think he does realize I'm hurting, but as he told me before, he's barely able to take care of himself right now, much less be able to support me too. That's why he was supportive of me seeing my counselor again.
But I just feel like it's my job to keep it together right now because like you, I'm afraid that he would either leave me or do something to hurt himself if he starts to feel too guilty. Although he says he would never hurt himself, it's something I worry about CONSTANTLY.
I haven't really seen any improvements yet. It's all day to day really. Some days are bareable and gives us a slight reprieve, so that is something I do look forward to is to at least the possibility to have an ok day opposed to a hellish emotional one. haha. The improvement I do see is the fact that he's finally accepting this. The other night he said "I just want to be happy. I remember I was happy once." I asked him how long ago that was and he said it's been three years. Hearing him admit that was shocking to me to think he's been unhappy this long but has been keeping it to himself and hurting this whole time. But at the same time, I always knew something was wrong but until now he's just denied it and took everything out on me instead trying to make me the problem so he didn't have to face his own deamons. So the fact that I'm no longer having to suffer from his anger and blame IS an improvement. So I'll take whatever I can get at this point. :)