Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
I keep telling myself to see depression like a disease. That I would not hold my husband responsible for being physically ill and therefor not being able to help out around the house or take part in cheery family get togethers. But someone who is physically ill would not target me with contempt because of their disease, would not stop talking to me for random transgressions (really.....I fluffed your pillow a little by accident when I moved it to make our bed.....that's why you are not talking to me this evening?)
When my husband is not "down," he is not perfect, but he is pretty wonderful. But my depressed husband is kind of hard to take.
But how do I not hold my husband responsible for the things he did/does when he is down? And when he gets through the depression, how do I let it all go? How do I move past wanting a slobbery apology, flowers declaring my saint-like status for all that I have stood by him through, songs written in my honour and a star or planet named after me? Because although my non-depressed husband is pretty wonderful, I'm pretty sure his acts of apology will not live up to what I want deep down (although I have to say, he got me a beautiful B-day card that he could reasonable argue paid off all prior debts).
How do we forgive and move on without closure?????? How do we rise above it all???
When my husband is not "down," he is not perfect, but he is pretty wonderful. But my depressed husband is kind of hard to take.
But how do I not hold my husband responsible for the things he did/does when he is down? And when he gets through the depression, how do I let it all go? How do I move past wanting a slobbery apology, flowers declaring my saint-like status for all that I have stood by him through, songs written in my honour and a star or planet named after me? Because although my non-depressed husband is pretty wonderful, I'm pretty sure his acts of apology will not live up to what I want deep down (although I have to say, he got me a beautiful B-day card that he could reasonable argue paid off all prior debts).
How do we forgive and move on without closure?????? How do we rise above it all???
Can I tell you I (and probably SO many others want that too?)! I totally feel I deserve to have the red carpet laid down in my honor, flowers, and SO much!! I handle SO much and I should be rewarded for that!
But... I have had to learn what his version of apologies are. I have to better interpret meanings from him. He sits down and apologizes every so often and holds me and expresses his deep love for me. THIS is his best apology!
Betterthan brings up a good point though. Reinforcing that bad behavior. I know I do this too! And I know that I need to be better about letting him know I don't deserve certain situations. I tend to be silent myself when he is that way. I shut down know- not the way he does. I am not depressed too... I just avoid saying ANYTHING that might set him off. He knows I am choosing to be quiet because of his behavior and eventually he comes around. I make him make it better rather than me begging him to make it better like I used to.
She is right though... try to get those wonderful days outweighing the bad. When bad outweighs good, it tires me out!
I think I'd still like a planet named after me (they are discovering them at a fast rate....), but Brownielove makes a good point about listening hard for the apologies, because they are there.
My husband was mildly down today, and I think we both went through it pretty well. We were close to flare ups, but we both seem to be practicing better strategies.
Thanks again everyone. It helped.
Hang in there and check in with us :)
Just a little about me - since I don't think I have replied to you before - I have been through severe, life-threatening depressions multiple times in my adult life and have been the supporter for someone with the same. I am not a therapist, but sometimes feel like I should get a license since I have at least as much training as most therapists, it seems.
I would add to the great responses you already have received that being depressed is no reason to be rude or emotionally abusive.
Imagine that your friend came to you and told you her husband physically hit her, but that he is not responsible because he is depressed. What would you say?
I know this situation is nowhere near that, but the point is, you need to decide where YOU draw the line.
I personally draw it at misdirected anger and rudeness. I try not to get angry or upset myself (rewarding bad behavior/attention seeking), calmly express how I feel, and, if the behavior continues, remove myself from the situation and let them come to me when they are ready. It takes a while, but they get the point. I often think of it as training their brain to seek positive rewards. Re-reading it that sounds a little harsh. I don't intend it that way. When you are depressed, often you have automatic thoughts and reactions generated from your brain - almost like living in the "primal" brain. We can help a depressed person begin to bring that under control.
I know when I was depressed, anger and rudeness were defensive behaviors. When given time from the situation where I could think more clearly, I recognized the mistakes and eventually learned how not to repeat them.
I hope that helps some!
I am angry and resentful too. I am having a hard time forgiving. Or really even trusting him as he slowly comes out of this...but I am reading the advice others are giving you and taking note :)
bpdistough - great point. I'll work on my own responses to my husband's depression behaviour with your response as guidance. I've been working in this direction for a while, but haven't really applied a rigorous approach. I think you've got a good framework and I'll work a little more rigorously at it. (A little joke - but would it ever be funny if I could generate a Pavlovian reponse where my husband automatically says sorry and drives to get me flowers in response to some specific stimulus....... :)