Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
I work full-time, take care of our apartment by myself, take care of the animals by myself, study for the GRE, and take care of my BF every day, every week, every month. Not to say that he doesn't tell me how much he appreciates what I do for him. He does and I know he cares, but sometimes during the days or weeks when he's stuck deep into the depression that makes him not care about anything but what his problems are, I just need that recognition. That little surprise to show me he cares. But the days when I need it the most, are the days that he is least likely to give me anything.
During the days when he's stuck in that mode, he just leaves things all over the house, doesn't clean up after himself, mopes around, projects his stressors onto me unintentionally, and then expects me to do everything!
Sometimes I dream of the perfect relationship. Like the one we used to have when we were teenagers together. Where he surprised me with flowers to show me he cared, where I was the one with the problems and he was the one that comforted me, where I felt like I could go to him with any of my concerns, and where I didn't worry about when he was going to be upset next.
I can't even remember the last time he did dishes, or cooked dinner, or cleaned the living room, or anything that we share. He cleans his room to relieve stress at times. Yesterday, he asked why I didn't put away my clean clothes yet. I explained that I put all his areas first before my own because I know that keeping his areas clean will keep him from being completely overwhelmed. I don't think he even consciously noticed until then, that I do that! I'm glad he thinks about that now though. At least my hard, stressful work isn't going unnoticed.
I just really needed to vent today and tell someone how much this stresses me out because it was bottled up inside! Thanks for listening ~mlb8
During the days when he's stuck in that mode, he just leaves things all over the house, doesn't clean up after himself, mopes around, projects his stressors onto me unintentionally, and then expects me to do everything!
Sometimes I dream of the perfect relationship. Like the one we used to have when we were teenagers together. Where he surprised me with flowers to show me he cared, where I was the one with the problems and he was the one that comforted me, where I felt like I could go to him with any of my concerns, and where I didn't worry about when he was going to be upset next.
I can't even remember the last time he did dishes, or cooked dinner, or cleaned the living room, or anything that we share. He cleans his room to relieve stress at times. Yesterday, he asked why I didn't put away my clean clothes yet. I explained that I put all his areas first before my own because I know that keeping his areas clean will keep him from being completely overwhelmed. I don't think he even consciously noticed until then, that I do that! I'm glad he thinks about that now though. At least my hard, stressful work isn't going unnoticed.
I just really needed to vent today and tell someone how much this stresses me out because it was bottled up inside! Thanks for listening ~mlb8
I've learned to take care of me. I have my daily hot chocolates, I spoil myself with an extra few minutes in the shower when I can. Our family situation (young kids) means that there isn't that much time, but I have found ways. I found great relaxation apps for my Ipod (I also spoiled myself with an IPod touch after a long wait). I made dance mixes and my daughters and I dance like no one is looking (they are 2yrs old and 6 months old).
I know how busy things are for you, trying to do it all, being the rock for someone else. You can do it. But find something everyday to do for just you. You absolutely deserve it.
Last but not least, know that we are here for you. This group is filled with people who know just how you feel, and there is a lot of good advice to be had.
I recently started "me" time with short meditations and it has really helped me decompress
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I work for us, just graduated, do all the cooking and cleaning, if he would make the bed in the mornings I'd be so grateful.
But... I just hold tight for those days that he takes me in his arms and holds me tight and tells me he loves me. Sometimes there is far too much space in between those days! Sometimes I can't take the stress in between those days and I just have to cry. But when they come it makes me so much happier!
Do things for you... I too have a daily hot chocolate :). One things that's been hard for me lately is I just graduated. So this is my first semester without a second job and school- I realized that both of those were a huge part of my me times and taking care of me! I've lost them... I'm trying to cope and figure out what to do next to help myself through it all. Take care of you :). Remember your self worth! :)
But with work on top of it I feel if he could just be more appreciative! Something that helps me though: honey do lists. I leave him lists sometimes when I head for work. I go through phases of leaving these lists. This week will start a new phase. When I first lineage the list it has simple simple jobs... And progressively asks for more to be done :). This week it will start off with please make the bed and something else easy that needs to be done (laundry folded, dishes done, sweep the patio, etc..). I will usually only add one thing to the make the bed at first and slowly add from there. And I make the note very loving an grateful. And when I come home I make a huge deal out of what he's done! Thank you so much! You have no idea how much you have helped me and made my afternoon so much easier! And it's true... This way when the notes stop he will hopefully continue the practice.... So far it hasn't stuck for good but it sticks for awhile :)
Sometimes we just need that little boost to know that they appreciate us, mine still says thank you to some things, but he forgets that I'm the one who has pretty much taken on a mother role, doing all his laundry, tidying up after him after all the mess he leaves behind daily, giving him a nicer and more convenient place to stay and fetching things for him whenever he asks. And when we ask them to help out a little they just snap back, say we are nagging or say they aren't in the mood, whatever reason.
Be strong, there are others out there in your situation and we are here to listen :)
A common line from him whenever I ask him for some appreciation is "this is your house too. You should be doing it anyways." He Really doesn't get it!
I've tried everything: chore charts, nagging, listing everything I do each day (ends up being much longer than I thought), even going on strike!
I gave up. I do what I can. If he wants something "better" he can do it himself. Took us a long while to get to the understanding that we each do what we can.I still remind him sometimes that he can clean up too.
But I look to myself for that feeling of accomplishment so when he does show appreciation it's a great bonus.
(Wow, that really sounds like a bitter rant! Sorry guys. I'm not in a very uplifting mood right now. I have to say he does clean up probably more than I'm giving him credit here & he's really not as critical anymore as he was when the kids were younger, & he is much better at showing appreciation too. But I guess I've been holding this in for a bit too long!)