Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
I am in an overwhelmed state lately. It's bearing summer so school is almost out and my to do list and finance troubles are taking over my thoughts!
We were driving together yesterday and I was talking about my friend and how she is so positive. She has two babies, works over 50 hours a week AND takes care of them fully. They live with her mom and husband refuses to work at this point. Mine won't either but I always think- what would you do if we weren't together- he'd work. That's a little heartbreaking. He also literally cries and becomes angry if he doesn't get the things he wants. Literally stuff that he just wants to have- nothing helpful or beneficial. Just junk to a couple of broke people. So I am telling him how strong my friend is because she has been saying that in their 9 years of marriage she has encouraged him and helped him but he just comes up with tons of ideas and there is no follow through- much like mine. But hers isn't depressed. She just figures she wants her family together and their kids to have their dad but has given up on him ever working at this point. What would happen if she could no longer work, would he start working or go stay with his family or stay with hers? I wonder this about non working men often- especially mine of course. ;). So I am telling him this story because mine had asked about him and I told him this story. I said "so she's pretty much given up on him working". He said "you should probably do that with me then, I don't see myself ever working again."
What?!?!its always been on the table! Why would he say this?!?! :(
I don't know how to bring it up now but that's something he should discuss with me. He looks for work literally3,000 miles dead across the country!! He says if we move there he'd work. If we weren't together he'd just buy his junk and suffer without paying bills or having food- that's how it was when we met- I didn't know that until I lived with him for a few months. I lived a few states away and we moved back to my hometown for a better life and the stability of my job.
I bought him stuff last weekend, after the conversation of why and how he is going to move.
How it works in his head;
"I'll sleep on the sofa of this friend for 2 weeks, then go to this sofa, then that sofa. I'll go to my moms to eat while she is out. I'll ask if I can borrow this money for this thing. It's easy to do stuff when you have support."
My thoughts:
You're a grown man!!! You can't borrow a few hundred dollars from your parents as a full grown man!!! That's stupid!!! How pathetic!! You won't have a home or a job- what?!?!
But he knows his mom will forget all about the money and it'll be easy for him. That's just how he is. Argh!!! I have been a lot less babying of him for the past few months. I have to- he packs his bags twice a month to move away and leave me forever. He says we won't be broken up but we won't be together :/. So I just try to do lots of yoga, I take naps often, and I focus on work.
I just had to vent and release some exhaustion and tension. Thanks all!
We were driving together yesterday and I was talking about my friend and how she is so positive. She has two babies, works over 50 hours a week AND takes care of them fully. They live with her mom and husband refuses to work at this point. Mine won't either but I always think- what would you do if we weren't together- he'd work. That's a little heartbreaking. He also literally cries and becomes angry if he doesn't get the things he wants. Literally stuff that he just wants to have- nothing helpful or beneficial. Just junk to a couple of broke people. So I am telling him how strong my friend is because she has been saying that in their 9 years of marriage she has encouraged him and helped him but he just comes up with tons of ideas and there is no follow through- much like mine. But hers isn't depressed. She just figures she wants her family together and their kids to have their dad but has given up on him ever working at this point. What would happen if she could no longer work, would he start working or go stay with his family or stay with hers? I wonder this about non working men often- especially mine of course. ;). So I am telling him this story because mine had asked about him and I told him this story. I said "so she's pretty much given up on him working". He said "you should probably do that with me then, I don't see myself ever working again."
What?!?!its always been on the table! Why would he say this?!?! :(
I don't know how to bring it up now but that's something he should discuss with me. He looks for work literally3,000 miles dead across the country!! He says if we move there he'd work. If we weren't together he'd just buy his junk and suffer without paying bills or having food- that's how it was when we met- I didn't know that until I lived with him for a few months. I lived a few states away and we moved back to my hometown for a better life and the stability of my job.
I bought him stuff last weekend, after the conversation of why and how he is going to move.
How it works in his head;
"I'll sleep on the sofa of this friend for 2 weeks, then go to this sofa, then that sofa. I'll go to my moms to eat while she is out. I'll ask if I can borrow this money for this thing. It's easy to do stuff when you have support."
My thoughts:
You're a grown man!!! You can't borrow a few hundred dollars from your parents as a full grown man!!! That's stupid!!! How pathetic!! You won't have a home or a job- what?!?!
But he knows his mom will forget all about the money and it'll be easy for him. That's just how he is. Argh!!! I have been a lot less babying of him for the past few months. I have to- he packs his bags twice a month to move away and leave me forever. He says we won't be broken up but we won't be together :/. So I just try to do lots of yoga, I take naps often, and I focus on work.
I just had to vent and release some exhaustion and tension. Thanks all!
I look at it this way, if he was the breadwinner and i was the one at home spending all the money, no one around us would say BOO. Its a simple role reversal and I took a while to get used to it but now I am.
Spending can be an issue. Shopping relieves anxiety and gives them a comfort - its like eating a whole box of cookies to make yourself feel better. Mone goes thru phases with shopping. Right now, I think its under "medium" control. Rarely does he spend so much that we are behind in rent or can't buy groceries but I have had it where I literally have pawned things to get cash for the week. That is rare but its happened.
I notice also he shops more when he is not in therapy. You do know that over spending is a Bipolar trait? Its so common its predictible too. The best way to handle it is seperate bank accounts. I have one account that I stashed $$ in - just maybe 2K and it fluctuates between usually $100-$500 now just so when I need gas or an unexpected thing like a gift or a car repair I have something. He is not able to access the account. Its in my name only - in fact he did not even kow it existed for a long time as statements are all electronic.Mine "collects" things - comics and blue rays.
He has so many he has never read. instead of collecting just batman, he has to collect ALL versions of batman and must have every single one becuase he likes things to be "cpmplete". For example if we watch a TV show and it starts at 10, if its 10:01 we can't watch becuase he might have missed 30 seconds of the opening credits. Movies - we stay till the bitter end - till the lights come up and we are ALWAYS at least 20 minutes early for any movie so we sit thru all of the previes too. Anyway back to spending...
So, he has sold said collections a few times before. when he gets in this kick that he is going to "change things" and he does recognize once in a while that HE causes a lot of money issues. Much of this was before we got approved for disability. Mine used to work - had a great job. He has a Masters in Corporate Tax from the University of Michigan even. he just can;t handle work anymore. he even tried a few years ago to do taxes during tax season and he only made it 8 weeks before he started having a nervous breakdown.
I think becuase your husband said that to you, that you should get used to him never working again, its the openng you have to tell him that you think that you need to file for social security disability, Honestly, it will gve you money. and he can spend that money on junk then the money you earn is to take care of the household and you and him. Just liek it would be if things were normal and one person stayed home while one worked.
The junk fulfills some need. Its like my friend who's ex spends gambling to make himself feel better. Yours is buying junk to make himself feel better. Mine buys crap to make himself feel better. I allow it and even god help me encourage it sometimes becuse it does actually work sometimes in making him feel better. problem is it adds up.
The moving thing is wrong to...the whole "I will work if we move there" or the fact that he packs bags twice a month - a change in scenery is just him looking for something to make him feel better and he thinks a change of scenery will be better. Oh how many times has mine said "I wish I could have had that" or "my life is not what I wanted" or how he state we live in sucks, etc. You knwo what, the moving and changing locations might work....for a few weeks only. What is really wrong is that he is looking at all the outside things that are making him feel the way he feels and thinks that is what he needs to change to feel better - when in reality a new location or leaving you will not change his life to be better - the only thing that will do that is him and meds and consistent therapy.
It's so nice to know others go through such similar situations. I have a difficult time with him not working. It's wasn't ever expected for me to be the breadwinner for life. I don't what he does I care if he does.
As far as the money goes- it is mine. He has ZERO access to it. He is my boyfriend not my husband actually. We a dr domestic partners in my state and many people do think we are married. We've been together over 5 years. I love him dearly. This is just hard.
I have my account and he has nothing. Literally nothing. I expected him to work as did he (or at least pretned). He is nearly going on 6 years of no work). He worked when we met in his state and then decided to live together and we came to my state. At first he wanted to get through the holidays (3 months). Then he had to collect his thoughts. The working was on the table until last March. One day in March- the day before a HUGE trip that his family took us on... My dad showed up at my home while I was at work. Dad sat down my guy and told him that he was sick of me doing all the work and him doing nothing and always being sad. Then dad told him "it's all in your head- tell yourself to be happy & you'll be happy". As you all know telling our depressed love ones this is definitely going to backfire. Since then working talk is over. He told me when we tried moving to his hometown that he wasn't ready to work so we threw the idea out the window. I never anticipated that I would be the breadwinner and honestly I am not okay with it. I never have been and I just don't know if I ever will be. I've asked him to look at stores and places he could work literally across the street something close to him that's not stressful. Yeah it might pay min wage but I am fine with that for now. Maybe forever. It's not that he HAS to work. But he needs to start doing his share!!! And with the person he is that means get out there, get a job, and stop complaining. I am not planning on leaving him I am just trying to figure out how to cope I guess.
Mine collects things too! Expensive junk. Batman everything!!! Wish we lived close Shinann- they could batman talk and watch and everything :). But, as I said he has NO money. I keep track to the penny of what I "loan" him so we can buy him more junk. He pays me with money for birthdays and Christmas. He collects series of books, DVDs, video games, everything. When I found this site I was in a terrible place and spending every penny on him with NOTHING left for me!! I was panicking. I have come a long way however I am falling back into my spending on him habits. I hate that, I really do. He literally cries when he doesn't have this movie or that comic.
Funny story- I started this post before work and everything's been nonstop all day. I got home, started laundry,opened the slider and forgot the screen was there I guess. I walked right into it!! Icompletely cracked up! Such a funny story and will be enjoyable to talk about at work tomorrow. I jumped over our little patio wall and climbed up to see what's wrong. He is Angry at this extremely ANGRY!!! I fix it- he doesn't even budge out of his seat. Not moving at all.... No biggie I'm handy. I get into the tools and use my strength to pull the door and fix the knock it created so that we can still use the door. All fixed!! Yay me!!
His anger permeated the room. I am pretty frustrated with him now. Anytime something happens he is so angry that he falls into depression- SO frustrating. He ends up so spoiled and moody I literally fix every problem.
Still a very funny story :)
Anyways the point is that I love him, he is wonderful for me and I can't imagine my life without him and don't want to.
I know why I am doing this and I am calm now. You know when you take a few days you can look at it all more objectively. I really have fallen into that trend of spending too much money on him and it's stressing me out. I am buying temporary happiness. The past few months I am spending more than I make :(. That is not me at all. It bums me out- that is not me. And I don't have any money left for myself. Honestly, that is my fault I know- I just have to take care of it and hold strong now.