Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
Do you ever shut down your emotions to help you deal with everything? Sometimes I try to take an "I don't care" attitude and see if that helps me overall. It takes time to get myself there because in reality I care an insane amount! Sometimes I feel like I am less stable than he is because I can't handle his moods.
To be honest I'm not at this point right now but I feel borderline there... I'm trying my best to avoid this and stay grounded. Last month I hit a terrible wall. I spent a day at work crying and not being able to even calm down. Last week he had a terrible day!!! It was awful!!!! The worst in quite sometime. We haven't discussed it or mentioned it at all. It happened. Stuff broke. He was angry. Then it was done.
We had a decent week... A neutral week which I am always happy with.
Then... It was the weekend which was great!!!! We went out of town. He was anxious and upset a few times but I was able to joke about it and it was a rare time that I caught him before he dropped down that dark hole and we just laughed stuff off.
Today I couldn't catch him. Well... I could. But it's my new thing. Last month I tried to buy his happiness and ended up making myself miserable. I couldn't even stock the fridge. Today he was excited for me to come home... I got home and he was extra loving and cuddly. We went out to the store and he was looking at a movie he wanted. He wants me to get it for him. I could I have just enough for it, but it's 2 weeks until payday! It's more of a point I am sending here. I cannot baby him with these things. It was never agreed upon that I would work and he wouldn't. In fact he was suppose to get a job years ago and this past summer we decided he would be working by Sept to bring in extra $$ and help out. It's Nov.
I'm not upset about this... What upsets me are that he wants more an more.
So... I didn't get him the movie. He knows we're financially tight. And I didn't even bring up the movie. We just chatted just fine. No biggie. The. We came home. The loving man who was here to greet me when I got home from work was gone. I'm doing well. He has driven off. He "has to go checkout that movie" again. I don't know what his plan is... Stare at it and then what? I asked him to hurry home. I don't like to be asleep until he's home too. I just feel more comfortable knowing he's home safe. But it's late and I wake up early for work! Plus tomorrow is a big day! I have a paper due for school too... Hmm.
Like I say... I'm fine right now. But I'm doing that emotional shut down right now. It's not in full motion because I definitely care. But what can I do here, he texted me and apologized and said he's just in a mood. I got it, I'm calm. He texted me again and said he wants to move to a small town in the mountains. No news here. That's why he was going to work to help pay for that and get that happening. I told him I'm sorry and I know that would help calm him (trying to work on my listening skills via text is much harder than in person... But at least I didn't come up with a plan to help! That's what really angers him!)
So I'm calm. Last month I did very well by coming on here and not really talking to him about anything. He came to talk to me. That's my goal again. I love him but I can't let this depression of his consume me. It feels like a snake trying to get to me to suffocate. My foot is on its head... It can't get to me. I can't let it. It needs to die without getting to me.
I'm good :)
Does anyone try to shut down emotionally? It's one of my best tactics
To be honest I'm not at this point right now but I feel borderline there... I'm trying my best to avoid this and stay grounded. Last month I hit a terrible wall. I spent a day at work crying and not being able to even calm down. Last week he had a terrible day!!! It was awful!!!! The worst in quite sometime. We haven't discussed it or mentioned it at all. It happened. Stuff broke. He was angry. Then it was done.
We had a decent week... A neutral week which I am always happy with.
Then... It was the weekend which was great!!!! We went out of town. He was anxious and upset a few times but I was able to joke about it and it was a rare time that I caught him before he dropped down that dark hole and we just laughed stuff off.
Today I couldn't catch him. Well... I could. But it's my new thing. Last month I tried to buy his happiness and ended up making myself miserable. I couldn't even stock the fridge. Today he was excited for me to come home... I got home and he was extra loving and cuddly. We went out to the store and he was looking at a movie he wanted. He wants me to get it for him. I could I have just enough for it, but it's 2 weeks until payday! It's more of a point I am sending here. I cannot baby him with these things. It was never agreed upon that I would work and he wouldn't. In fact he was suppose to get a job years ago and this past summer we decided he would be working by Sept to bring in extra $$ and help out. It's Nov.
I'm not upset about this... What upsets me are that he wants more an more.
So... I didn't get him the movie. He knows we're financially tight. And I didn't even bring up the movie. We just chatted just fine. No biggie. The. We came home. The loving man who was here to greet me when I got home from work was gone. I'm doing well. He has driven off. He "has to go checkout that movie" again. I don't know what his plan is... Stare at it and then what? I asked him to hurry home. I don't like to be asleep until he's home too. I just feel more comfortable knowing he's home safe. But it's late and I wake up early for work! Plus tomorrow is a big day! I have a paper due for school too... Hmm.
Like I say... I'm fine right now. But I'm doing that emotional shut down right now. It's not in full motion because I definitely care. But what can I do here, he texted me and apologized and said he's just in a mood. I got it, I'm calm. He texted me again and said he wants to move to a small town in the mountains. No news here. That's why he was going to work to help pay for that and get that happening. I told him I'm sorry and I know that would help calm him (trying to work on my listening skills via text is much harder than in person... But at least I didn't come up with a plan to help! That's what really angers him!)
So I'm calm. Last month I did very well by coming on here and not really talking to him about anything. He came to talk to me. That's my goal again. I love him but I can't let this depression of his consume me. It feels like a snake trying to get to me to suffocate. My foot is on its head... It can't get to me. I can't let it. It needs to die without getting to me.
I'm good :)
Does anyone try to shut down emotionally? It's one of my best tactics
Have you talked to your bf about working even part time? Let him know that getting out of the house might be the thing he needs. I still find small nudges lead to big steps. It has take me 10 year but my H is now a working photographer! He just started professionally and he did work and still does but when he is taking pictures he is content.
It's good that you didn't baby him but maybe instead you can get him the movie as a present for an upcoming holiday or celebration? That way you can show him you care without just giving in to his wants.
Trying to juggle school, work, his episodes, and your own daily stressors/problems is no easy task. I am doing the same thing right now. The thing that helps me the most here is first, stay organized! I put EVERYTHING down in my planner. This way I don't forget anything that is due for the day even if I get caught up in his bad depressive episodes. Sometimes when this happens, all of times stops and you forget that a real world exists outside the depression that engulfs your household. The second thing I do is just to take one thing at a time. When I am focusing on different tasks or assignments, I plan out what I can do within a certain amount of time so that I know I can complete everything and then just focus on that one thing I am doing. This helps from getting completely overwhelmed (since we are under so much stress already!). The third is to realize that you can only do your best while dealing with a boyfriend with depression even if it isn't at the high expectation you using put it.
Sorry, kinda went off topic there...Overall, I really REALLY relate to the fact that you shut down emotionally. I think it is our bodies trying to protect themselves from the stress. There is only so much one person can handle.
Thank you. You are absolutely right! It is difficult for him to talk with me or anyone about any of this. It's like this pendulum that we go through... Sometimes he can go outside everyday, other times he won't web step outside for a week. We talk, but so lightly about it. If I bring it up we can't talk at all... But every once in awhile he will come around and tell me he wants to work on this and get better. I am SO grateful for these conversations! It gives me hope... A light at the end of the tunnel.
He has gone to a therapist twice in the last three years... They "don't understand" and want to put him on meds which he is very against. But he actively will try other things when he takes the step to get help... I agree with you. Getting out would help immensely! And if he could work part time to have people he knows and talks to and plays a role in the development of something... Anything... That's huge!!!
MLB,
You've described me haha! I am completely addicted to my planner!!! I graduate with my MA this spring thank goodness! He is a big support but he doesn't realize how much he makes it difficult sometimes. Every once in awhile he realizes he makes it more difficult and he steps up to the plate and helps IMMENSELY!!!!
Overall, I love him more than anything and I will be with him always. I love him... I just need you guys... My friends who understand:). Thank you for being here!!!
I can't speak for anyone else, but my boyfriend is dealing with anxiety and depression combined, not just depression. This is what invokes the anger and more intense depression. His anger is NEVER towards me. Just angry at himself mostly. Also, depression is different for everyone. There are different things that affect it and put you into that depressed state. For my boyfriend, the anxiety gets overwhelming and then whirlwinds him into the depression. It is definitely not abuse. Abuse is a really strong term. The "shutting down emotionally" is the fact that you need to distance yourself and put up a guard against the depression since depression really is contagious in a way. The reason I shut down emotionally is my defense mechanism to keep myself healthy and strong enough to fight this illness with my boyfriend. He is very good about going to the doctor and therapist. He really wants out and for this to be under control.
I think there are a lot of factors that go into a relationship to decide whether to "rethink the investment". It matters on how strong your relationship was before the depression. How much you really care about the person and whether they are "worth it". My boyfriend is definitely worth it. He may be the best man I have ever met. He is kind, caring, intelligent, etc. This is an illness just like diabetes is an illness. It is something they need help with and need support with. Even though it isn't easy, I know I will stand by him.
Like brownielove said, having friends on here that understand and know what we're going through really helps! Thanks everyone for the support!
I'm just tired actually....I am a retired cardiac nurse and understand illness for sure....I saw many many people, men mostly, who struggled with cancer, heart disease, diabetes, etc. I know how depressed they were as well as how badly they wanted to be themselves again. I, too, was depressed for most of my life. My guy is on meds and is so my other half...BUT...stepping over his body daily as he just lies on the rug, doing all the housework, myself, and I'm disabled, is just beginning to really wear on me...the issues causing his depression are from childhood...which have now come home to roost at 68 years old...I have found a great psychitrist for him, a great cardiologist, and PCP who have all told him the same thing....exercise (he was a long distance bike rider), and find something to do. I've tried sooooo many things to help him...work part time (he's an electrian, but doesn't want to do anything..he volunteered at the local council on aging but quit, he just sits, complains and sleeps....I have actually stopped trying to suggest to him...I work out of the house on ebay so I am here most of the time...I can't stand too much more...it is really making me revisit my depression, actually....I am going to quilt, knit and oil paint again, out of the house...he'll just have to be alone...maybe that will work...I've logged months of time comforting him, loving him, soothing him, etc....sigh...I am tired...we spent a week at Disney and he was wonderful....on the plane ride home he started slipping and by the time we got in the door it was like we had never gone away...
I might have to look into these books though it might help a lot! And what changes after the holidays? Do you have a plan?
My plan changes sometimes minute to minute...he's been in bed for 18 hours ever since we came back from thanksgiving in Maine. It's 9:00 AM here. At this point I appear to be burning out...."The Wounded Male" by Steven Farmer is a good book Re: men in this culture especially if they are wounded by childhood issues. It is out of print but you can get it from Alibris.com...It helps me to understand it's not me...but the remoteness and coldness from him are getting to be too much...I realize it is a defense but it is working now and keeping me away,....which Is actually the last thing they want,....my plan is daily....until I can't take it anymore and that's the end or he breaks through...he's on meds and sees a psych MD weekly...but unless we who live with these guys attend the sessions who knows what information they are giving the MD
As far as the plan goes... I totally understand!!! Things change with him minute to minute... How can we plan with that at hand?