Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
Oh gosh- this tune has been played so many times in our home.
He wants to move- no surprise. He moved here nearly 5 years ago for us- so I could complete a program in school and we could be together here.
He wants to move away... He always has. He's too scared to work now- he's been saying a lot that he doesn't feel he can look for work and have that pressure on him.
I am in a good spot for my job- I am doing what I love and want to continue it- I will try to do this and plan to do this when we move. The problem is that he isn't willing to try and I just can't do it alone. I know our problems won't be gone in moving- but I do believe there will be some alleviated stress on us both and of course other stresses will come up but I am prepared.
I am not working where I would choose to stay not living where I would choose to stay- Ideally i would get a job in a town I love so I could live and work in the same town. That isn't happening- so I may as well try his hometown- I love it there, he loves it there, we have support there.
Over a week ago I offered him an option- currently I commute to work- it is cheaper where I work than where we live. I told him when our lease is up in a few months I'd move to the town I work in and move him to his hometown. I could just cover both rents that way with my gas savings without the commute and the rent savings. I told him I'd do that and he could start working at his old job again. He could pick up hours and take his time because I could cover rent and look for work until my current contract is up. Once it's up I go there and he should be able to have picked up enough hours to cover rent...
He said no because
1) he's too scared to work
2) it's not fair to me
3) what if I don't follow him?
This is the thing- it is fair to me because it gives me security! And of course I will follow him- besides his plan is to get in the car and drive away until he runs out of gas and then die there. I've informed him quite often I won't follow him there.
And too scared to work.. What do I do about that? I thought I was taking out the fear by staying here to cover our bills here.
Today is a panic day again. We had 3 1/2 good days- I could tell he was trying very hard. I knew there'd be a drop soon. It's here.
It's a risk leaving my job and just going with him to try it out. A big risk. But it feels like a bigger risk to not be with him- he is my love and my life... What is life if it isn't about taking chances and trying things? I would try my best to get the same job I have here just there- I think I could. I truly do. But if he wants to run away again, then what?
The other thing:
Together he and I lost weight. We were very obese and I lost all my weight... He lost a ton too. I have been turning to food as comfort lately and I have gained 25 lbs back! I don't fit into anything and I feel gross. I have got to stay focused on me and stop turning to food for comfort.
This is my resolution- today I started- I have done awesome and will continue to do awesome!
One more:
A friend at work was asking me why I felt things were overwhelming more than before- I realized I have completed projects and goals over the past five years. I am no longer wrapped up and busy in so many things- it's work and him. It makes it harder on me- but good. I simply have to make sure I don't hop on his
Rollercoaster.
I do feel it's time for us to change and move- contract doesn't end till June though :/. I don't know what to do about that. I guess I have to keep thinking and ride it out for now.
He wants to move- no surprise. He moved here nearly 5 years ago for us- so I could complete a program in school and we could be together here.
He wants to move away... He always has. He's too scared to work now- he's been saying a lot that he doesn't feel he can look for work and have that pressure on him.
I am in a good spot for my job- I am doing what I love and want to continue it- I will try to do this and plan to do this when we move. The problem is that he isn't willing to try and I just can't do it alone. I know our problems won't be gone in moving- but I do believe there will be some alleviated stress on us both and of course other stresses will come up but I am prepared.
I am not working where I would choose to stay not living where I would choose to stay- Ideally i would get a job in a town I love so I could live and work in the same town. That isn't happening- so I may as well try his hometown- I love it there, he loves it there, we have support there.
Over a week ago I offered him an option- currently I commute to work- it is cheaper where I work than where we live. I told him when our lease is up in a few months I'd move to the town I work in and move him to his hometown. I could just cover both rents that way with my gas savings without the commute and the rent savings. I told him I'd do that and he could start working at his old job again. He could pick up hours and take his time because I could cover rent and look for work until my current contract is up. Once it's up I go there and he should be able to have picked up enough hours to cover rent...
He said no because
1) he's too scared to work
2) it's not fair to me
3) what if I don't follow him?
This is the thing- it is fair to me because it gives me security! And of course I will follow him- besides his plan is to get in the car and drive away until he runs out of gas and then die there. I've informed him quite often I won't follow him there.
And too scared to work.. What do I do about that? I thought I was taking out the fear by staying here to cover our bills here.
Today is a panic day again. We had 3 1/2 good days- I could tell he was trying very hard. I knew there'd be a drop soon. It's here.
It's a risk leaving my job and just going with him to try it out. A big risk. But it feels like a bigger risk to not be with him- he is my love and my life... What is life if it isn't about taking chances and trying things? I would try my best to get the same job I have here just there- I think I could. I truly do. But if he wants to run away again, then what?
The other thing:
Together he and I lost weight. We were very obese and I lost all my weight... He lost a ton too. I have been turning to food as comfort lately and I have gained 25 lbs back! I don't fit into anything and I feel gross. I have got to stay focused on me and stop turning to food for comfort.
This is my resolution- today I started- I have done awesome and will continue to do awesome!
One more:
A friend at work was asking me why I felt things were overwhelming more than before- I realized I have completed projects and goals over the past five years. I am no longer wrapped up and busy in so many things- it's work and him. It makes it harder on me- but good. I simply have to make sure I don't hop on his
Rollercoaster.
I do feel it's time for us to change and move- contract doesn't end till June though :/. I don't know what to do about that. I guess I have to keep thinking and ride it out for now.
It's so tough to try to make them happy. You try to do what they say they want to be happy, but then it never works. Or it doesn't last. And since I'm going through the job search now, I know how infuriating it can be. I've lost track of how many applications I have sent out, and I can count on my fingers how many responses I've gotten. It sounds like you want to try to move. Or are at least indifferent to whether you move or not. The next summer will come up quickly as far as the job application process goes, so it might provide some relief to put out applications.
I also think maintaining 2 living spaces is crazy talk. you are searcjing for some way to make him happy and even if you "put him up" somewhere, he will not be happy. It will be a waste of money and the conversations will not change...after a month you will be back in teh same place. Also, lets just think a bot about the anxiety a move causes.
Last time we moved I took care of EVERYTHING and had to ship him off to his mom's for the entire day while I dealt with tehmoving truck, the loading/unlaoding, finding a place, getting furniture, setting up phone.internet/cable. you name it. He was a wreck for a month up to the move and 2 weeks after it.
And Shinann,
I need that kick in the pants a lot! Thank you.
I will write more soon- but man moving is huge and I just don't know what to do oy
I don't have a solution to give you. I haven't found one for my situation either. But know that there are others who feel your pain.