Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
I have been gone for a few weeks I know. I meant to come by and check in but it was quite a hectic time. Good overall, just busy :)
We traveled to see his family for over two weeks. They live about 800 miles away and we stayed with them over that time. While we were there he went through a few periods of his complaining that he wanted to come back home. He was tired of doing what everyone else wanted to do (this in particular on a day spent doing EXACTLY what he wanted to do... odd). But overall it was nice. His family is wonderfully kind, there of course are family issues and a huge one in particular with his mother last year but she has gone above and beyond to make things better. We returned home to my hometown where my family lives... we don't see them. My fathers disdain of my poor guy seems to outdo his love of me and therefore we are no longer a family. The worst part is this did not arise until after 4 years into our relationship, it was a simple switch that was triggered in my dad's head and he basically is making me choose between them... I choose not to pick the controlling one and that is dad. I call, I am nice, I do my daughterly duties of checking in with my family but none of them reach out to me whatsoever because of my father's feelings. This is apparent to my dear man but he doesn't know quite the extent of it, simply that they are pretty much nonexistent in our lives and that it is something I have tried to mend. He believes it is possibly because of him but doesn't know his extent... and to his credit my family doesn't really like anyone and doesn't have a friend in the world so it isn't him at the bottom line.
I explain this to describe his utter hatred of where we live, we are only a few miles from my family because this happens to be where my job is which also is our soul and only means of supporting ourselves. I have applied for a few jobs to move us to a few towns away from here and so far there have been no bites. I had a couple interviews which turned into nothing. He is beginning to hit that point where he feels he can't live here any longer. I get so upset with this because I ask him if we NEED to move. I ask him if we should apply in HIS hometown. I talk to him about this and it is so stressful to him that the answer is no. But then when it is time for me to go back to work (summers are off for me), it is a very difficult and sad time for us.
This upcoming year if I do not get any bites and I return to my old job, I am going to apply again here in my state and there in his hometown. For me a year flies... big deal... one year in a place where we are comfortable and I can take care of us. For him it is forever, he reminds me often of when I was a kid and my mom would say I could have ice cream at 7:30 but yet it was only 4:00... in a child's mind that is FOREVER! He seems to not have ever grown out of that and I am left to assume it is a side-note of depression.
There is one other issue that comes up with all of this. He comes from a family that, to put it bluntly, spoiled him. He has no qualms of having nothing and taking a risk and letting family help pick up the pieces. I have never come from that family and they would definitely not help me pick up the pieces now. So... if everything fell apart I have to be able to take care of myself. He hates that... he hates that I saw "we have a lease" or "what about our stuff, we can't just up and leave everything" or "we do have bills that will come up." And even more frustrating is his need and desire to buy buy buy. He wants more of everything and anything. It is his nature.
Things are not terrible right now, they are simply there and I am concerned. I am hoping he makes a counseling appointment this week... it would be good for us both.
We traveled to see his family for over two weeks. They live about 800 miles away and we stayed with them over that time. While we were there he went through a few periods of his complaining that he wanted to come back home. He was tired of doing what everyone else wanted to do (this in particular on a day spent doing EXACTLY what he wanted to do... odd). But overall it was nice. His family is wonderfully kind, there of course are family issues and a huge one in particular with his mother last year but she has gone above and beyond to make things better. We returned home to my hometown where my family lives... we don't see them. My fathers disdain of my poor guy seems to outdo his love of me and therefore we are no longer a family. The worst part is this did not arise until after 4 years into our relationship, it was a simple switch that was triggered in my dad's head and he basically is making me choose between them... I choose not to pick the controlling one and that is dad. I call, I am nice, I do my daughterly duties of checking in with my family but none of them reach out to me whatsoever because of my father's feelings. This is apparent to my dear man but he doesn't know quite the extent of it, simply that they are pretty much nonexistent in our lives and that it is something I have tried to mend. He believes it is possibly because of him but doesn't know his extent... and to his credit my family doesn't really like anyone and doesn't have a friend in the world so it isn't him at the bottom line.
I explain this to describe his utter hatred of where we live, we are only a few miles from my family because this happens to be where my job is which also is our soul and only means of supporting ourselves. I have applied for a few jobs to move us to a few towns away from here and so far there have been no bites. I had a couple interviews which turned into nothing. He is beginning to hit that point where he feels he can't live here any longer. I get so upset with this because I ask him if we NEED to move. I ask him if we should apply in HIS hometown. I talk to him about this and it is so stressful to him that the answer is no. But then when it is time for me to go back to work (summers are off for me), it is a very difficult and sad time for us.
This upcoming year if I do not get any bites and I return to my old job, I am going to apply again here in my state and there in his hometown. For me a year flies... big deal... one year in a place where we are comfortable and I can take care of us. For him it is forever, he reminds me often of when I was a kid and my mom would say I could have ice cream at 7:30 but yet it was only 4:00... in a child's mind that is FOREVER! He seems to not have ever grown out of that and I am left to assume it is a side-note of depression.
There is one other issue that comes up with all of this. He comes from a family that, to put it bluntly, spoiled him. He has no qualms of having nothing and taking a risk and letting family help pick up the pieces. I have never come from that family and they would definitely not help me pick up the pieces now. So... if everything fell apart I have to be able to take care of myself. He hates that... he hates that I saw "we have a lease" or "what about our stuff, we can't just up and leave everything" or "we do have bills that will come up." And even more frustrating is his need and desire to buy buy buy. He wants more of everything and anything. It is his nature.
Things are not terrible right now, they are simply there and I am concerned. I am hoping he makes a counseling appointment this week... it would be good for us both.
Mine also maybe a bit better at hiding things than some. If you were ever to meet. Mine, you would NEVER suspect he has the issues he has. He also can fit into social situations if need be. Believe it or not he holds it together much better when he is wit strangers than whe n he is with people he knows. Is yours ever like this Brownoielove?
I think I have less patience for the selfish behavior now that he's been gone 5 months with no plan or commitment to return. He's gone above and beyond selfish, to a point where I'm not sure he can come back, so I might be a bit jaded too.
I don't know about yours, but mine definitely grew up quite spoiled and I think he doesn't even recognize when he is behaving that way because it is the norm for him. I don't believe that is the fault of someone who grew up that way or acts that way, but it is an evolution process that must be fostered and I have not been great about it.
Behaviors, yes, his emotion disregulation and lashing out and his belief that he can say anything to me becuase he is "open" with me is a blessing on one hand and a killer on others. Soemtimes he says things I wish he would not say but do I want to tell him to stop, no...becuase my fear is then he will clam up and not share things when he really needs to. Over the years, while sometimes it still hurts when he acts out, I have learned when to recognize the depression talking and when HE is actually talking.
I undersatnd that we need to set boundries, and I think its a little different with a spouse than with a child becuase the boundries are different.
Have you ever looked up "inaccurate thinking"? I think I see that sometimes. Once I recoginize that I can let a lot just roll on by.
I notice I am dealing better over the years. I am able to notice signs and have learned how to cope and deal with each sign. I no longer panic and make things worse for the most part.
I will definitely look that up though, thanks!