Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
I told you guys the other day I've had an observation I wanted to post about... but then he crashed and burned and that took precedence. :)
So... I have noticed as time has been going on his mood swings are much less drastic. I really notice it since I have been coming here and getting support for myself, I came here first almost 7 months ago. For four years I watched his ups and downs fly all over the richter scale!!! But, these past 7 months I notice something different. His highs are not as high and his lows are not as low.... it is a progressive change that I have seen in this time, yet still a change.
I am wondering, for curiosity's sake, what has caused this? Is it my ability to see the calm more often? Is it my change in reaction because I have all of you, my friends to come to for support and advice?
It seems to me that in coming here, I have helped him almost as much as I have helped me! I wanted to help him, don't get me wrong... it is a pleasant surprise!!! :) But, I didn't expect it to be such a strong help I have become for him! :)
He gets upset still- all the time! He punches the steering wheel at "bad" drivers. He throws things, and curses. But, I deal with this differently. I sit back, breathe, and think of you guys honestly. I have taken a "this too shall pass" attitude and approach. I just ride the storm and let it be. Usually, I will stroke his arm or his back if it is appropriate just to remind him I am there for him... but I don't do much more.
Previously, I would panic! I would cry instantly, beg him to stop, and freak out honestly! Which- I feel is a justified reaction still :) But not effective. :)
My previous reactions would send him into a downward spiral FAST! He flipped out! He broke stuff all over the place! He packed his bags to move away and leave me alone forever to put me out of my pain of being with him.
Now, I ride it out, and he comes around. I don't want to say that it is all my reaction and attitude changing everything. However, I feel it is.
I am sure he is cognitively working on himself and bettering this aspect of himself because no one wants this in their life. And he used to tell me all the time "I'm trying to get better, I promise." So I know he is trying... but I think in taking out his fear and having to deal with me and my reaction... he himself has been able to evaluate himself in these moments and not be concerned about me at all. ( that sounds bad but you know what I mean).
Has anyone else noticed a positive OVERALL change like this? I emphasize overall because we know there are definitely other cases of extremes but they are just much much less for us in our life here :)
Thank goodness!!!!
So... I have noticed as time has been going on his mood swings are much less drastic. I really notice it since I have been coming here and getting support for myself, I came here first almost 7 months ago. For four years I watched his ups and downs fly all over the richter scale!!! But, these past 7 months I notice something different. His highs are not as high and his lows are not as low.... it is a progressive change that I have seen in this time, yet still a change.
I am wondering, for curiosity's sake, what has caused this? Is it my ability to see the calm more often? Is it my change in reaction because I have all of you, my friends to come to for support and advice?
It seems to me that in coming here, I have helped him almost as much as I have helped me! I wanted to help him, don't get me wrong... it is a pleasant surprise!!! :) But, I didn't expect it to be such a strong help I have become for him! :)
He gets upset still- all the time! He punches the steering wheel at "bad" drivers. He throws things, and curses. But, I deal with this differently. I sit back, breathe, and think of you guys honestly. I have taken a "this too shall pass" attitude and approach. I just ride the storm and let it be. Usually, I will stroke his arm or his back if it is appropriate just to remind him I am there for him... but I don't do much more.
Previously, I would panic! I would cry instantly, beg him to stop, and freak out honestly! Which- I feel is a justified reaction still :) But not effective. :)
My previous reactions would send him into a downward spiral FAST! He flipped out! He broke stuff all over the place! He packed his bags to move away and leave me alone forever to put me out of my pain of being with him.
Now, I ride it out, and he comes around. I don't want to say that it is all my reaction and attitude changing everything. However, I feel it is.
I am sure he is cognitively working on himself and bettering this aspect of himself because no one wants this in their life. And he used to tell me all the time "I'm trying to get better, I promise." So I know he is trying... but I think in taking out his fear and having to deal with me and my reaction... he himself has been able to evaluate himself in these moments and not be concerned about me at all. ( that sounds bad but you know what I mean).
Has anyone else noticed a positive OVERALL change like this? I emphasize overall because we know there are definitely other cases of extremes but they are just much much less for us in our life here :)
Thank goodness!!!!
With my girlfriend, if I remain calm and relaxed and don't feed her emotional outbursts at all, they pass faster and, over time, she has less and less of them.
Sometimes, when she realizes she is getting no rise from me, they get worse at first. I just take a deep breath and, if she does not remove herself from the situation (we have worked out a system where she goes to another room to calm down), then I remove myself.
We even set up a spare bedroom for her. It is her space with her own bed, decorations, etc. She uses it as her refuge. It has helped so much. Was a little weird at first for both of us, but she has a safe and calm place to "escape" to and not cause me pain or hardship.
We are both happier and healthier.
The other thing I wonder about for you is if you are just generally taking better care of yourself. When they see they are not stressing us out as much or causing as much hardship to our lives, I think it helps restore some of their self-worth.
The last thing I have seen in my girlfriend and myself (as I have dealt with serious bouts of major depression myself) is that, as you say, it is our own internal responsibility to notice and change our behavior. My girlfriend knows when she is being unreasonable. She has even started voicing those moments out loud. Through recognizing them and seeking to change them, she is building the skills necessary to eventually beat this. It sounds like you might be seeing this, too.
I am so happy for you that you have seen him trending towards getting better. I hope that continues!
I think it all boils down to (& I probably sound like a broken record) "you need to help yourself first before you can be of help to anyone else. You can't ask someone with 2 broken legs to help you walk."
Coming here has taught me so much, & given me the strength & determination to approch D in a different way. It's helped my H also, through my example & sometimes my comments to approach it differently as well. And has helped him in his recovery.
When you think about it, we're the best situated to help or hinder our loved ones, because we're there. We see what's going on day in and day out. And our voice is the one they hear most.
Even though its still challenging some days, because or your support, I have hope now, that one day my H will beat this. And I think he sees that hope & is inspired to hope too. (& you guys have helped me keep my sanity& NOT kill him in the meanwhile)
So thank you all for all the comments, discussions hugs and friendships