Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
Good Afternoon everyone,
I am new to this site and after browsing around some of the past and recent posts, I believe I might be in the right place. First I'll start by introducing myself. I am a 26 year old female who has been married for six years. I met my husband when I was 15 and we were good friends all through highschool. We didn't start dating until after graduation, and then got married after three years of dating and I moved out of state with him to where he is stationed in the military. The first 2 1/2 years of our marriage were wonderful and during that time he was a very caring, affectionate, and fun loving guy. I always compared his personality to that of living with a big kid because he was always playful and happy and joking around. Unfortunately, 2-3 years ago, that person I fell in love with started to fade away. Not all at once mind you, but for quite some time there have been on again, off again rough patches in our marriage where he is very angry, unhappy, critical, unaffectionate, and unemotional. During these periods he often shuts himself off and is only interested in certain hobbies, and criticises and blames me for pretty much everything from "losing his stuff" to forgetting to remind him to do his chores.... etc. Pretty much anything that goes wrong is my fault. During these times I often confront him about his behavior, or point out that he might have an anger issue, but he always blames it on having a rough time at work or some other issue. But despite those excuses, he acts this way on vacation or other times that should be happy or fun occassions. He went into counseling at one point for several months after his mother passed, then we went to marriage counseling together, then I went myself because he told me the problems we were having were my fault and a result of things from my past... etc. Although the counseling helped some, it would never fail that after a matter of time, things would go bad again.
It wasn't until two weeks ago that things really hit the fan when I mentioned that I thought it would be helpful if he went back to counseling or got on medication. As expected, he told me no and denied that anything was wrong with him. He told me that he is not "f'ed up and weak" and that only weak people go on medication. After a long discussion, some pleading, and a long letter I wrote to him, he finally called his counselor and after a few sessions she made him a referral to a psychologist that we're currently waiting to hear something back on. So I thought we were making progress, but on wednesday after he had a bad day at work, things got worse and he had a massive hour long panic attack that began with him hyperventalating, shaking and crying to eventually convulsing on the floor. It was the most terrifying thing I had ever witnessed! Although I knew he had, had mild panic attacks in the past, that was the worst one he has ever had. After that, the past few days have felt like we're both going through our own forms of living hell. He has enclosed on himself and rarely talks, gets up off the couch, and he has 1-3 panic attacks a day or he will just sit there with his arms folded and rock back and forth crying. He describes the pain as him feeling "raw, sad, and terrified." The slightest occurance can cause a panic attack. He has become increasingly distant with me and last night refused to sleep in our bed.
Although I'm glad he has finally recognized that something isn't quite right, I feel like we are just at the beginning of another very different long ride. Things haven't been the best for a few years, but I honestly feel that all these years of him suppressing things that happened in his childhood, his mothers death, etc... has lead to this.
Ever since last week I have been researching both anxiety and depression since until he gets diagnosed, I am guessing it is a little of both. I'm currently reading the book "the depression fallout", and just trying to educate myself as much as I can so I can be of some help to him, but at the same time I feel completely helpless and hopeless. I don't have any kind of support group where we live and the one friend I can talk to, I feel like she has probably heard enough over the past two years and I don't want to burden her because I think most people probably just wonder why I'm still with him. But I know that this behavior is not him and I plan to stick this out with him and see that he gets some help. I guess my question is, does anyone have any advice on what I should do in the meantime? I've been wondering if I'm just supposed to let him be or should I be encouraging him to do his chores, get off the couch, basically, show a little tough love? I'm trying to be understanding and supportive, and since this is just the beginning, I've been letting him be so far and not asking too much of him, but I also feel like he can't ignore his priorities forever and succumb to this. Does anyone have any advice on this?
I'd greatly appreciate any advice or support you can give.
Thanks :)
I am new to this site and after browsing around some of the past and recent posts, I believe I might be in the right place. First I'll start by introducing myself. I am a 26 year old female who has been married for six years. I met my husband when I was 15 and we were good friends all through highschool. We didn't start dating until after graduation, and then got married after three years of dating and I moved out of state with him to where he is stationed in the military. The first 2 1/2 years of our marriage were wonderful and during that time he was a very caring, affectionate, and fun loving guy. I always compared his personality to that of living with a big kid because he was always playful and happy and joking around. Unfortunately, 2-3 years ago, that person I fell in love with started to fade away. Not all at once mind you, but for quite some time there have been on again, off again rough patches in our marriage where he is very angry, unhappy, critical, unaffectionate, and unemotional. During these periods he often shuts himself off and is only interested in certain hobbies, and criticises and blames me for pretty much everything from "losing his stuff" to forgetting to remind him to do his chores.... etc. Pretty much anything that goes wrong is my fault. During these times I often confront him about his behavior, or point out that he might have an anger issue, but he always blames it on having a rough time at work or some other issue. But despite those excuses, he acts this way on vacation or other times that should be happy or fun occassions. He went into counseling at one point for several months after his mother passed, then we went to marriage counseling together, then I went myself because he told me the problems we were having were my fault and a result of things from my past... etc. Although the counseling helped some, it would never fail that after a matter of time, things would go bad again.
It wasn't until two weeks ago that things really hit the fan when I mentioned that I thought it would be helpful if he went back to counseling or got on medication. As expected, he told me no and denied that anything was wrong with him. He told me that he is not "f'ed up and weak" and that only weak people go on medication. After a long discussion, some pleading, and a long letter I wrote to him, he finally called his counselor and after a few sessions she made him a referral to a psychologist that we're currently waiting to hear something back on. So I thought we were making progress, but on wednesday after he had a bad day at work, things got worse and he had a massive hour long panic attack that began with him hyperventalating, shaking and crying to eventually convulsing on the floor. It was the most terrifying thing I had ever witnessed! Although I knew he had, had mild panic attacks in the past, that was the worst one he has ever had. After that, the past few days have felt like we're both going through our own forms of living hell. He has enclosed on himself and rarely talks, gets up off the couch, and he has 1-3 panic attacks a day or he will just sit there with his arms folded and rock back and forth crying. He describes the pain as him feeling "raw, sad, and terrified." The slightest occurance can cause a panic attack. He has become increasingly distant with me and last night refused to sleep in our bed.
Although I'm glad he has finally recognized that something isn't quite right, I feel like we are just at the beginning of another very different long ride. Things haven't been the best for a few years, but I honestly feel that all these years of him suppressing things that happened in his childhood, his mothers death, etc... has lead to this.
Ever since last week I have been researching both anxiety and depression since until he gets diagnosed, I am guessing it is a little of both. I'm currently reading the book "the depression fallout", and just trying to educate myself as much as I can so I can be of some help to him, but at the same time I feel completely helpless and hopeless. I don't have any kind of support group where we live and the one friend I can talk to, I feel like she has probably heard enough over the past two years and I don't want to burden her because I think most people probably just wonder why I'm still with him. But I know that this behavior is not him and I plan to stick this out with him and see that he gets some help. I guess my question is, does anyone have any advice on what I should do in the meantime? I've been wondering if I'm just supposed to let him be or should I be encouraging him to do his chores, get off the couch, basically, show a little tough love? I'm trying to be understanding and supportive, and since this is just the beginning, I've been letting him be so far and not asking too much of him, but I also feel like he can't ignore his priorities forever and succumb to this. Does anyone have any advice on this?
I'd greatly appreciate any advice or support you can give.
Thanks :)
When my husband is at his worst, I have been trying to not push too hard for his closeness, I completely take over where ever I can with the house, etc. and I make sure he knows without being to, "smothering" that I love him, I am there for him and that I want to help him heal. I think we are moving along now, but I am scared every day that something will send him way down again.
Like your husband, mine was very affectionate, fun loving and happy. He is like a stranger to me sometimes now.
You are definetly on the right path going to the psychologist. I know my counselor told me that we should go to a psychiatrist, if his current medication didn't seem to help of gave him undesirable side effects, because they truly understand the drugs and how they effect the brain and body.
The good news here is that he has realized there is a problem. I guess all I can say is stay strong, let him know you are there to support him and come here to vent anytime you need to. You, with the help of the doctor and discussions here, will find out what will work best for you.
Is he constantly worried about the next panic attack? You might want to ask a doctor because to me it sounds like more than just depression. Here are the criteria for panic disorder and just a panic attack. Panic Disorder is much different than just having a panic attack. in the DSM-IV. I hope that helps.
DSM IV Criteria for Panic Disorder
A) Both (1) and (2)
(1) recurrent unexpected Panic Attacks
(2) at least one of the attacks has been followed by 1 month (or more) of one (or more) of the following:
(a) persistent concern about having additional attacks
(b) worry about the implications of the attack or its consequences (e.g., losing control, having a heart attack, "going crazy")
(c) a significant change in behavior related to the attacks
B) The Panic Attacks are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., hyperthyroidism).
C) The Panic Attacks are not better accounted for by another mental disorder, such as Social Phobia (e.g., occurring on exposure to feared social situations), Specific Phobia (e.g., on exposure to a specific phobic situation), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (e.g., on exposure to dirt in someone with an obsession about contamination), Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (e.g., in response to stimuli associated with a severe stressor), or Separation Anxiety Disorder (e.g., in response to being away from home or close relatives).
DSM IV Criteria for Panic Attack
A discrete period of intense fear or discomfort, in which four (or more) of the following symptoms developed abruptly and reached a peak within 10 minutes:
1) palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate
2) sweating
3) trembling or shaking
4) sensations of shortness of breath or smothering
5) feeling of choking
6) chest pain or discomfort
7) nausea or abdominal distress
8) feeling dizzy, unsteady, lightheaded, or faint
9) derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself)
10) fear of losing control or going crazy
11) fear of dying
12) paresthesias (numbness or tingling sensations)
13) chills or hot flushes