Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
This is my first post so it's going to be long. Apologies ahead of time, but from what I've read, my story, sadly, isn't so unique.
My wife has suffered from depression since high school. She was on Effexor when I met her so I didn't even know she had a problem until she told me. She started going off it when we got engaged because doctors say you should be off it for 6 months before getting pregnant. But as she went down her depression surfaced in ways I never saw before. She eventually started taking Zoloft. It's safer for pregnancy but, at least at the dosage she's on, isn't nearly as effective as Effexor.
The time between the Effexor and her finally going on Zoloft (and the time it took for it to kick in) were the worst months of my entire life! I was terrified of her, was screamed at constantly for no reason, and had to give up my dog (my best friend). None of this was made any better given this was when we were planning our wedding, getting married, and moving into our first apartment together (I ended up having to do all the moving by myself). Her depression wasn't constant (or else I wouldn't still be here) but it always came back and at the time I thought I just needed to wait it out or something. I really just didn't understand it.
After the Zoloft finally began to help, she started to remind me more of that amazing woman I fell in love with. We'll have stretches of time where I think we're back there, only to be reminded that we're not, soon after.
We've been trying to get pregnant for a year now and we've been having trouble. It's mostly my fault (biologically speaking that is) but she's convinced it's also her fault, despite numerous tests that show her body is completely fine. It looks like we're going to need to do IVF and this has pushed her back to that terrible place she was in a year ago even though she's still on her medication. She feels inadequate as a wife and woman for not getting pregnant despite my constant reassurances that it's not her fault, that I don't blame her, that this is just something that happens to some couples, that it's really my fault, or anything else I can say, but none of it helps. We don't make a lot of money and IVF will pretty much drain our savings, so on top of the emotional stress, we have the economic strain.
What's makes it harder is that I worry about all this stuff too. I hate myself for not being able to give her a baby. I hate myself for not being able to help her with her depression more. I'm nervous about our financial situation and how we'll afford IVF. But I can't tell her any of this because she needs me to be strong and I can't put any more pressure on her. This is incredibly hard and why I'm so relieved I found this site.
When she's depressed, she says horrible, terrible things to me (she openly said she resents me for us not having a baby and her favorite is threatening divorce). A few weeks ago she got in such a state that she actually threatened me with a knife, threw a chair at me and then locked herself in our room. That was the worst I've ever seen her and it makes me even more nervous because if she were to act like that after we finally have a child, I'd have to take the baby and leave. I tried to talk to her about it afterwards because I told myself that that is really just beyond the pale; but when I tried to bring it up she got so sad and embarrassed that we never really talked about it. What can I say, I'm desperately in love with her and I'm worried bringing it up again, especially now, will just set her off and cause her more pain.
She sees a therapist every week, but she won't let me come in with her and she outright refuses to see someone together no matter how much I protest. I finally got her to talk to her doctor about upping her Zoloft but the doctor said it wouldn't help because her depression is now situational, but I'm worried that she didn't explain the full extent of it. I firmly believe that she needs to be on a higher dosage so that she can be in a place where she is able to do other things to combat her depression (exercise, get out of the house, read the book her therapist recommended for her years ago) because right now, she's unable to do anything else that might help.
This is just getting worse and worse. What's more, the longer it goes on, the more terrible, terrible thoughts I have. Thoughts I've never told anyone and can't even write out here. I just don't know what to do. Thoughts that make me hate myself for even thinking them, but after reading some of the other posts here, I know at least I'm not the only one (at least for some of them).
Everyone says depression is contagious and that's definitely true in my case. I'm getting sadder and sadder while putting on a brave face (I'm not sure she's even buying it all the time anymore) but I can't keep this up forever.
Is anyone else going through this? Can you please help me?
My wife has suffered from depression since high school. She was on Effexor when I met her so I didn't even know she had a problem until she told me. She started going off it when we got engaged because doctors say you should be off it for 6 months before getting pregnant. But as she went down her depression surfaced in ways I never saw before. She eventually started taking Zoloft. It's safer for pregnancy but, at least at the dosage she's on, isn't nearly as effective as Effexor.
The time between the Effexor and her finally going on Zoloft (and the time it took for it to kick in) were the worst months of my entire life! I was terrified of her, was screamed at constantly for no reason, and had to give up my dog (my best friend). None of this was made any better given this was when we were planning our wedding, getting married, and moving into our first apartment together (I ended up having to do all the moving by myself). Her depression wasn't constant (or else I wouldn't still be here) but it always came back and at the time I thought I just needed to wait it out or something. I really just didn't understand it.
After the Zoloft finally began to help, she started to remind me more of that amazing woman I fell in love with. We'll have stretches of time where I think we're back there, only to be reminded that we're not, soon after.
We've been trying to get pregnant for a year now and we've been having trouble. It's mostly my fault (biologically speaking that is) but she's convinced it's also her fault, despite numerous tests that show her body is completely fine. It looks like we're going to need to do IVF and this has pushed her back to that terrible place she was in a year ago even though she's still on her medication. She feels inadequate as a wife and woman for not getting pregnant despite my constant reassurances that it's not her fault, that I don't blame her, that this is just something that happens to some couples, that it's really my fault, or anything else I can say, but none of it helps. We don't make a lot of money and IVF will pretty much drain our savings, so on top of the emotional stress, we have the economic strain.
What's makes it harder is that I worry about all this stuff too. I hate myself for not being able to give her a baby. I hate myself for not being able to help her with her depression more. I'm nervous about our financial situation and how we'll afford IVF. But I can't tell her any of this because she needs me to be strong and I can't put any more pressure on her. This is incredibly hard and why I'm so relieved I found this site.
When she's depressed, she says horrible, terrible things to me (she openly said she resents me for us not having a baby and her favorite is threatening divorce). A few weeks ago she got in such a state that she actually threatened me with a knife, threw a chair at me and then locked herself in our room. That was the worst I've ever seen her and it makes me even more nervous because if she were to act like that after we finally have a child, I'd have to take the baby and leave. I tried to talk to her about it afterwards because I told myself that that is really just beyond the pale; but when I tried to bring it up she got so sad and embarrassed that we never really talked about it. What can I say, I'm desperately in love with her and I'm worried bringing it up again, especially now, will just set her off and cause her more pain.
She sees a therapist every week, but she won't let me come in with her and she outright refuses to see someone together no matter how much I protest. I finally got her to talk to her doctor about upping her Zoloft but the doctor said it wouldn't help because her depression is now situational, but I'm worried that she didn't explain the full extent of it. I firmly believe that she needs to be on a higher dosage so that she can be in a place where she is able to do other things to combat her depression (exercise, get out of the house, read the book her therapist recommended for her years ago) because right now, she's unable to do anything else that might help.
This is just getting worse and worse. What's more, the longer it goes on, the more terrible, terrible thoughts I have. Thoughts I've never told anyone and can't even write out here. I just don't know what to do. Thoughts that make me hate myself for even thinking them, but after reading some of the other posts here, I know at least I'm not the only one (at least for some of them).
Everyone says depression is contagious and that's definitely true in my case. I'm getting sadder and sadder while putting on a brave face (I'm not sure she's even buying it all the time anymore) but I can't keep this up forever.
Is anyone else going through this? Can you please help me?
First of all... please sit down and take a very deep long breath. You are going through a lot right now.
Secondly, welcome to our group! :) You are absolutely in the right place!!! And trust me... you aren't alone :) That was the best feeling I had when I found the wonderful people here... not being alone :)
You are absolutely right when you say depression is contagious! In an early post last week I stated that a woman at my work told me she just knew she'd see me crying at least twice a week and she didn't want to see me cry this year- wow!! The crazy part is... last year was the best! It had gotten so much better!! She was just new and hadn't seen me before- man what did those people think?! It is extremely contagious! I am a very happy person and I am what I consider a minimalist... I don't need much... and yet his depression can tear me down like nothing sometimes!
You mentioned that you had to move everything completely because she could not help- I just finished that process myself. This is our 2nd home together- we've been here 3 weeks. I moved everyone of those darn boxes downstairs and ran back up to get more non-stop. He just couldn't help... it just cripples him.
And as far as taking the blame- I know you are taking the blame for the pregnancy situation.... they will not allow it in my experience. Everything is their fault. That is how they want it when they are in that dark pit of despair.
Good stuff... I just wanted to let you know you are absolutely not alone at all! And you are right... get her out of the house. Get her doing something to help her mood! Maybe you can do an evening or a morning walk together? Suggest fun activities you'll both enjoy.
And you know it is most important- kind of our depression supporters theme... take care of YOU! I've used this analogy before... if you are on a plane you must secure your own oxygen before helping anyone else. If you are a depression supporter, you must secure your own happiness before helping anyone else. We do tend to adjust our happiness but still... get happy. Find your happy. You need it and you deserve it! You must make sure you are happy and that there is nothing to get in your way of that! This site is one of my happy places (see what I mean by adjusting?). Exercising... walking outside, doing yoga. Work has become a big happy place. I am surrounded by kids at work so I just enjoy every second I have with them.
Finding your happy will help you... you can't keep this up forever. Something MUST change and something WILL change. I have just really learned to celebrate the small victories with his depression. And I have really really had to find my happy. I stopped attending school a few months ago and I realized that it was a huge happy place for me!! That hit hard this summer... I didn't know what to do without it anymore. Before that I had my second job and I dearly miss that almost... it was a happy place. Cooking! A happy place.
What are your happy places? Share them... it makes it more real for you and more of a commitment :)
I do have a couple set of friends... the wife has bipolar disorder. They had a baby 2 years ago... the wife did absolutely lose it after having the baby. I will be honest there were some scares there- but she REFUSED any treatment before or to admit there was a real problem. Since then she has been getting help and things are going so much better!!! Your wife is ALREADY getting help!! That is one of the biggest steps of all! So many of them refuse it and don't want to admit or talk about it so getting her in to talk about it and admit to it is huge!! Smile with that first huge victory already checked off.
Next step... find your happy ! :)