Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
I feel lost tonight. I believe it is also because I am tired but none the less I'm lost.
He wants things to be the way he wants. I can't do that- I can't even begin to figure out how to make it that way. He wants to move- when he's really down there are only 2 towns in the US he will consider moving too. They are both tiny, far away, and not easy to find jobs in. He wants to buy a house and sit in it. There's no reasoning with him and it's so frustrating for me. What am I to do? I feel so many emotions at these times. I've learned to just ride out the storm but he is more adamant and more sad each time. At some point something's gotta give right?
I just feel so overflowing with thoughts. I am the one taking care of EVERYTHING here. I am the one looking for work other places. I am the one who figures out our finances and who plans for things he wants to happen. I am the one who does all the work- it feels like I am doing all this works to make our dreams come true and he has come to me and said "now could you please turn every drop of water into a $100 bill?". He's so polite and so sweet and so appreciative. But its like he doesn't realize he's asking the impossible.
I might get a job there, we might get approved for a house there, but we won't be able to eat, stay warm in the winter, stay cool in the summer, or even get gas to get to work. I feel like my head will explode as I keep trying to make him happy. I don't know how to do what he wants :(
Like I say... I know to just ride out the storm now but I just feel like vocalizing and decompressing all my thoughts. Thank you for listening :)
He wants things to be the way he wants. I can't do that- I can't even begin to figure out how to make it that way. He wants to move- when he's really down there are only 2 towns in the US he will consider moving too. They are both tiny, far away, and not easy to find jobs in. He wants to buy a house and sit in it. There's no reasoning with him and it's so frustrating for me. What am I to do? I feel so many emotions at these times. I've learned to just ride out the storm but he is more adamant and more sad each time. At some point something's gotta give right?
I just feel so overflowing with thoughts. I am the one taking care of EVERYTHING here. I am the one looking for work other places. I am the one who figures out our finances and who plans for things he wants to happen. I am the one who does all the work- it feels like I am doing all this works to make our dreams come true and he has come to me and said "now could you please turn every drop of water into a $100 bill?". He's so polite and so sweet and so appreciative. But its like he doesn't realize he's asking the impossible.
I might get a job there, we might get approved for a house there, but we won't be able to eat, stay warm in the winter, stay cool in the summer, or even get gas to get to work. I feel like my head will explode as I keep trying to make him happy. I don't know how to do what he wants :(
Like I say... I know to just ride out the storm now but I just feel like vocalizing and decompressing all my thoughts. Thank you for listening :)
Like you said, ride it out but hopefully the next storm won't even happen have to happen.
Jleon is right about the car and the panic attacks. He shouldn't be driving when that happens, you should just tell him you would like to drive. Maybe it would ease his mind, too.
I saw in your other post a reply from Finnmom, she had said that she sort of goes along with her husband on the idea, hands him the reigns and askes him if he has looked at places, etc. That might work. You could ask him if he has looked into employment and housing at the location he wants to be at. I don't know if it would work, but maybe.
Mine says stuff like he wants to sell off everything, find a small apartment somewhere and live out the rest of his days alone. :-(
True about the car and the panic attacks- I always offer and suggest I drive when he does that but he won't have it. But I do agree with you that we shouldn't come home- it's not good for him or me.
I'm just truly so tired- I hate depression!
You are so strong, it will be ok.
Something I've learned with my husband is that I can't coddle him or hold his hand with this. Sometimes he has thoughts and ideas that seem irrational to me and I just try to point out the facts to him nicely and let him come to his own conclusions. I've found tha over time it does work. I understand it's hard because with having an s/o with depression you're always worried that the slightest thing will set them off, but I guess in a way it's tough love because ive learned that enabling just seems to fuel the fire. And I'm not saying any of this in a negative way, just sharing my own personal experiences in a hope that it may help. :)
I hope that things work out and that you're feeling better today.
My SO always wants to "run away" when things are uncomfortable or scary or she makes a mistake. She wants to move into the middle of nowhere and live in a cabin and never talk to anyone.
I think it is imagining that all their stress and worries and problems will disappear if they can do that.
We can see that is not realistic.
I think it is a wonderful idea to hand it off to him to figure out. Maybe even with a checklist of things you would need to see to be comfortable with it (i.e. cost of living, cost of moving, how to get jobs before moving, etc.). Or, if you are completely opposed to moving, I do not think it is wrong to state that either. One therapist of mine suggested the broken record technique, in which you always give them same answer in as calm of a voice as you can. Maybe like, "I am not comfortable with the idea of moving and am not willing to discuss it right now." If he continues, you just repeat the line. If he becomes angry you could try what I do with my SO (we talked about this before I ever said it when she was calm and in a relatively good mood) and say something along the lines of, "I am sorry you are upset, maybe we can talk later," and then I disengage her. It feels really scary at first to do that, but it has saved a ton of arguments!
Remember, you have needs and desires, too. I know he is depressed, but that does not mean that you need to cater to him all the time (as in discussing something that you are not comfortable with).
Hope that helps some.