Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
I have been with my boyfriend for over six years now. He has been dealing with a slow progression towards depression for the past 3 years. The main contributor to the whole thing is college. He is going into Electrical Engineering and the program puts way to much stress on him. He can't keep up with the work load and spirals down into depressed episodes. I noticed that these episodes became more frequent after his best friend of 18 years became depressed, suicidal and an alcoholic. We battled this friend together and tried to get him the best help that he could. Unfortunately, it got to the point where we had to keep him out of our lives. This decision happened when his friend sent an awful email threatening to come to our apartment. My boyfriend had to call him and tell him to leave us alone and if he didn't we would call the cops. The next morning, my boyfriend's bunny passed away. This bunny meant so much to him. It was pretty much his little baby. This all happened at the same time and was a huge traumatic event that I noticed sparked the more frequent depression episodes. That was 2 years ago. Ever since then he hasn't been the same. He easily gets upset and depressed. His sex drive and intimacy towards me has diminished. He doesn't enjoy the hobbies and activities that he loves as much as he used to. One of these is that he is a very talented audio editor, recorder, etc. for short films. His last movie got into SXSW.
Another traumatic event that happened this year is my diagnosis with hip dysplasia. We trained for a marathon together last year and during this training I got a stress-fracture in my hip which lead to my diagnosis. It was a stressful, intensive, and long process to my invasive major surgery. Finally my surgery date came and the recovery after was even more intense. My boyfriend was my primary care giver during this whole time. I now realize how much stress that really put him through. During that time he made sure not to show his stress and just to help me through it. I appreciate that so much. It's been six months since my surgery and I still am not fully recovered. I won't be for about another year.
About two months ago, his childhood dog and cat passed away within weeks of one another. He loved these animals so much especially his dog, Buddy. But everything came barreling down after his week long shoot of his next movie which was about a month ago. Before this week he was on top of school, on top of tasks, and seemed to be really enjoying everything. He got ahead in his school work and talked to all his professors about this week long shoot that was in the middle of the semester. He really enjoyed the shoot and loved every minute of it even though it was extremely stressful. After this week, he completely changed. He realized he needed to make a decision between audio and electrical engineering. It seemed that the two professions were interfering with each other. This life changing decision made him tumble into a depression that I could not help him out of. He hasn't been able to concentrate on school, doesn't care about anything, is constantly depressed, and isn't the loving and caring person I once knew. Since he can't concentrate he has fallen behind in his classes to the point where it is really hard for him to recover. It is too late to drop out of the classes and he just has to force himself to finish them the best that he can. This leads to a lot of the stress. It also doesn't help that his parents are paying for his college education and make sure that he knows how much money they are putting into every semester. They put (maybe unintentionally) tons of pressure on him to get straight A's. His father even said to us when we were trying to explain to them what was going on that, "I am paying $5,000 a semester". Like we didn't already know that...The stress of keeping his parents happy has been a huge burden and given him a lot of stress.
Me on the other hand, I am in a extremely stressful semester as well. I needed to get A's in both my classes this semester that count towards prerequisites to a graduate program I am trying to get in. This was my only shot to take these courses before I had to apply. I started this semester 4 months after my surgery and was still recovering from that. However, with everything happening with my boyfriend, I was unable to get good enough grades on the first two tests. I had to drop out of one of the main prerequisite classes (which means I can't apply for another year to the graduate program). I have been sick for three weeks now, my hair is falling out (due to the surgery), I am extremely stressed, and realized that school was not my priority right now. I am still in 16 credit hours (I was taking 20 credit hours before I dropped that class). It's hard for me to concentrate on school when I live with my boyfriend that is constantly depressed.
It's hard to come to terms that his depression has finally caught up with him. I was always able to get him out of his bad moods and get him to carry on with life. Now he doesn't even want to move. He recently started a new medication to hopefully help this. However, I know it will probably take awhile for it to fully kick in. As I am waiting, it is really hard to deal with this by myself. He was such a happy-go lucky personality that always was there for me. He was my support system. I find myself getting angry, upset, and now reading so much about living with someone with depression I realize that that is all normal. Knowing that what I am feeling is o.k. and that I am allowed to feel this way helps me a lot. I didn't understand why I kept going through this roller coaster of emotions. I try to do what everything says: be understanding, don't push him to do things (which I find myself doing), and just be there for him. However, I still wish that I could just "snap his out of it" but I know that is impossible. I want the person I once knew to come back to me and show me the love and caring that he once did. I feel so alone without his support.
Does anyone have any advice?
Thank you for listening,
mlb
Another traumatic event that happened this year is my diagnosis with hip dysplasia. We trained for a marathon together last year and during this training I got a stress-fracture in my hip which lead to my diagnosis. It was a stressful, intensive, and long process to my invasive major surgery. Finally my surgery date came and the recovery after was even more intense. My boyfriend was my primary care giver during this whole time. I now realize how much stress that really put him through. During that time he made sure not to show his stress and just to help me through it. I appreciate that so much. It's been six months since my surgery and I still am not fully recovered. I won't be for about another year.
About two months ago, his childhood dog and cat passed away within weeks of one another. He loved these animals so much especially his dog, Buddy. But everything came barreling down after his week long shoot of his next movie which was about a month ago. Before this week he was on top of school, on top of tasks, and seemed to be really enjoying everything. He got ahead in his school work and talked to all his professors about this week long shoot that was in the middle of the semester. He really enjoyed the shoot and loved every minute of it even though it was extremely stressful. After this week, he completely changed. He realized he needed to make a decision between audio and electrical engineering. It seemed that the two professions were interfering with each other. This life changing decision made him tumble into a depression that I could not help him out of. He hasn't been able to concentrate on school, doesn't care about anything, is constantly depressed, and isn't the loving and caring person I once knew. Since he can't concentrate he has fallen behind in his classes to the point where it is really hard for him to recover. It is too late to drop out of the classes and he just has to force himself to finish them the best that he can. This leads to a lot of the stress. It also doesn't help that his parents are paying for his college education and make sure that he knows how much money they are putting into every semester. They put (maybe unintentionally) tons of pressure on him to get straight A's. His father even said to us when we were trying to explain to them what was going on that, "I am paying $5,000 a semester". Like we didn't already know that...The stress of keeping his parents happy has been a huge burden and given him a lot of stress.
Me on the other hand, I am in a extremely stressful semester as well. I needed to get A's in both my classes this semester that count towards prerequisites to a graduate program I am trying to get in. This was my only shot to take these courses before I had to apply. I started this semester 4 months after my surgery and was still recovering from that. However, with everything happening with my boyfriend, I was unable to get good enough grades on the first two tests. I had to drop out of one of the main prerequisite classes (which means I can't apply for another year to the graduate program). I have been sick for three weeks now, my hair is falling out (due to the surgery), I am extremely stressed, and realized that school was not my priority right now. I am still in 16 credit hours (I was taking 20 credit hours before I dropped that class). It's hard for me to concentrate on school when I live with my boyfriend that is constantly depressed.
It's hard to come to terms that his depression has finally caught up with him. I was always able to get him out of his bad moods and get him to carry on with life. Now he doesn't even want to move. He recently started a new medication to hopefully help this. However, I know it will probably take awhile for it to fully kick in. As I am waiting, it is really hard to deal with this by myself. He was such a happy-go lucky personality that always was there for me. He was my support system. I find myself getting angry, upset, and now reading so much about living with someone with depression I realize that that is all normal. Knowing that what I am feeling is o.k. and that I am allowed to feel this way helps me a lot. I didn't understand why I kept going through this roller coaster of emotions. I try to do what everything says: be understanding, don't push him to do things (which I find myself doing), and just be there for him. However, I still wish that I could just "snap his out of it" but I know that is impossible. I want the person I once knew to come back to me and show me the love and caring that he once did. I feel so alone without his support.
Does anyone have any advice?
Thank you for listening,
mlb
You mentioned that you feel lost without his support... I get this completely!!! We have had plans and taken responsibilities in carrying out our plans.... Mine are ALWAYS done! His are not... NEVER! I feel so betrayed by this. I was talking to a friend of mine about this over the summer (she is the person in her relationship who puts things in motion... She is the rock).
She told me that someone had told her years before that she could not count on her husband. Just to make plans without him and do everything without him. She didn't listen... She explained to me that she gets it now. It wasn't anything against him... It was true advice for their success.
I find myself revisiting this advice often. I don't love it but I understand it and I may grow to live it I may not... Time will tell. I want us to be a team. I want us to make out decisions together. But that's not working... We do the talk and the plan and only I do the follow through... But our plans require 2 of us.
So I am trying it now.. The good thing is I'm not angry with him because there's nothing he's slacking on as far as our plans go (when I keep this mindset:) I am not sure if I can fully switch over to this mindset but it makes sense to me so I'm trying to give it a shot :)
You're not alone... I know that's the most important thing I can say. U hope anything else I said helps too... But you're not alone :)
Thank you so much. Your advice was really insightful. We do have plans as a team that I am realizing he might not be able to carry out as well. I agree with you and I understand that I cannot count on him completely, but same as you I don't know if I can do this fully. Reading all the other posts, it makes me wonder if this is a permanent thing or just a temporary one. I think it is permanent since both his parents and sister all have depression and are on medication for it. It's scary how a illness like this can take over someone's personality even if they are the most loving and caring person. The good thing is he acknowledges what is happening and is trying to fix it. He has gone to the doctor and is trying to seek out a good therapist. The thing that gets in his way is that he thinks of depression (since it is a mental illness) as something that is wrong with "him", not just his body. When in reality it is just like getting the diagnosis of type I diabetes. It is something that he can't control on his own. It is a PHYSICAL thing and his body is just not producing the correct chemicals but he can't stop thinking about the fact that it is mental. This makes him feel like he can control it by himself and blames himself for it.
He has good days and bad days. I notice myself becoming numb to his pain. I guess this could be a good thing because it doesn't affect me as much as it used to but it scares me that when I sit next to him crying/being angry I don't always console him. I just can't go to him every single time he cries. That kills me to think that's what I have become. However, it is for my own sanity. I was consuming all the hate, sadness, and anger from him every time he had a depressive episode. I think becoming numb to his emotions, I protect my own.
I will keep thinking of your advice often. I really think I need to re-evaluate everything we have planned. Are there any things that seem to help your boyfriend get through the hard times? Like exercising, certain hobbies, etc? Something I could suggest to my boyfriend to do? He's tried running in the mornings and set a strict morning routine that seems to help him a little bit.
Thanks,
mlb8
Hopefully I will find more that helps him. He almost seems to like being miserable at times. I know he doesn't really but it's so strange to me. It's so far from my own actions and mindset... It's difficult to cope with at times.
Something's else you said is something I am really working on dealing with myself. You mentioned that this truly might not go away. We've talked a log about moving to a small town to help allevieate his anxiety. Last spring prior to our move he sat me down and told me he feels a lot of pressure that he will be expected to be happier with his anxiety being lowered and us living in the town of his choice... We ended up not moving. But this is something I've really thought about. Will he ever be happy on a regular basis with occasional down days? Or will he always be sad with occasional up days?
I wish I knew. Just to help me decide what's best for us... Since apparently that decision is mine :)