Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
Okay, so he has just been down still for awhile. He is not at his low but he is down. As you know there is always the possibility of moving for us. He claims moving would make him happier- it is here that bums him out. (this is definitely not true though and he has even admitted this, however he does want to move it just isn't the answer).
So... I am always checking areas he would like to live for possible jobs. There is a teeny tiny town up in the mountains a few states away where he would like to live. It is beautiful there... we go every summer and I believe I could be happy there. The climate would be VERY different there! I have always lived where it is warm- no snow ever! Of course we get winter and rain but definitely no snow. In this town it is snowing this week and yesterday I wore shorts and a t-shirt. But I believe I could do this still I always tell him I would just have to have enough money to be able to visit my family and get warm :)
So that being said... they posted a few jobs this week. I told him about it, I have been keeping him in tune to all jobs I see and that I will apply for because I think they are good for us. So... I told him about these jobs. Then I calculated the pay- I will be bringing in about 1/2 of what I do now. We just started comfortably making it last summer with my raise. Now, we eat all month long, we signed up for internet :), we don't run out of toilet paper. So... I CAN'T go back to being that poor- willingly! You guys know I am the breadwinner in the house. He hasn't worked in 3 1/2 years. But now every other job I have mentioned is obsolete for him. We are living in this town and buying a house and that is it. He is very excited! And yet he is still down. And now I am in total panic! He doesn't have any grasp of money or concept of how to best use it. Before we were together he had many outstanding bills and would not pay things all the time. He had stuff repossessed took out way more loans than he could pay for. He would run out of food and literally not eat for three days until he was paid-then go to a restaurant on payday to eat because he was hungry and then be broke again. I am not complaining about this I am just explaining that truly I am in charge of the money because he honestly has NO concept!
So yesterday, I tried to chat with him about everything and nonchalantly let him know that of course this job might not come through, of course there is always a chance that we might not go there. He knows this but doesn't want to think about it.
Another job was posted in a town we LOVE close by here! It will mean about a 50% raise for me if I were to get it! And we would move there and we love it there. He would have completely and totally been happy with this until that fateful day a few weeks ago when my dad came over. He is still upset and I understand- he doesn't talk about it too much but every couple days he makes a "joke" about it and reminds me he can't stay where my dad is. So this town is about 70 miles away and he says it is too close. In reality if I got the job in this town I truly believe we'd both be so happy! Taking the financial stress off us completely, rather than adding a HUGE stress is in itself just makes sense. I even told him yesterday to get the "bug in his ear," that it would literally be easier for us to buy a house in that small mountain town he loves while we live here making my pay here AND paying our rent than it would to live there.
I am not sure what to do- you know when you say something to them and you feel like you have sabotaged yourself and ruined your day or week or month because of the mood you've put them into? That is how I feel now... like I have sabotaged myself by telling him of these jobs. I still would have applied and crunched the numbers but after crunching the numbers I just feel it might not work. He did however say he would apply for jobs the moment we got out there. And honestly, I believe him, BUT there are still so many questions. What if he doesn't get a job? How will we handle the money (we have always said he will hand is check over to me because of his bad spending habits- it is honestly like one of those diseases where people have to spend money like crazy)? But what if he still doesn't make enough to supplement? What if I am not happy in the snow? What if he is more depressed because of the bad weather (this is a huge one- we all know that weather can bring us down and he claims it doesn't for him but I saw him on the sunny warm beach all that week and he was happier than I'd seen him in FOREVER!)
Yesterday I told him that we should make a pact- that no matter where we live we should do Christmas in this small mountain town-just the two of us. I reminded him that here with all my raises I could afford to get a cabin for a week there if I start saving now and we could do a beautiful white Christmas just us two. He said thats nice but hopefully we'll just live there. I just don't want him to shut out all other options.
So, I am applying for the job in the town out here today- we go there almost every weekend and walk down the beach and relax and talk. It has been a really good pace for us and a great time each week! If I can get him there no matter his mood, he will usually at least talk to me. I know it will be different if we live there but still- it would be SO nice! And honestly 3 weeks ago he would have jumped on board!
One other thing that if I bring up with him will anger him so I can't- with his spending habits, as I have been making more money I can almost buy his contentment. I know that sounds terrible but it's true. He use to be so angry and I couldn't even afford to get him sandwich. Now, if something breaks we can replace it. If a new movie comes out we can see it! That was unheard of before and this is truly something that makes him SO much happier! I think it is just the comfort factor- like I say taking off that financial burden is HUGE! It only makes sense to me not to go to this small town. But what if the other side... what if he is happier? what if he does get a job? What if together we eliminate the financial burden?
Like I say, I just had to vent I feel like I shot myself in the foot by telling him about this job opportunity because now every other one I have mentioned is down the drain. I didn't even think of that when I said it to him. I just had to vent you guys... and clear my head more than anything.
Thanks again to all of you :)
So... I am always checking areas he would like to live for possible jobs. There is a teeny tiny town up in the mountains a few states away where he would like to live. It is beautiful there... we go every summer and I believe I could be happy there. The climate would be VERY different there! I have always lived where it is warm- no snow ever! Of course we get winter and rain but definitely no snow. In this town it is snowing this week and yesterday I wore shorts and a t-shirt. But I believe I could do this still I always tell him I would just have to have enough money to be able to visit my family and get warm :)
So that being said... they posted a few jobs this week. I told him about it, I have been keeping him in tune to all jobs I see and that I will apply for because I think they are good for us. So... I told him about these jobs. Then I calculated the pay- I will be bringing in about 1/2 of what I do now. We just started comfortably making it last summer with my raise. Now, we eat all month long, we signed up for internet :), we don't run out of toilet paper. So... I CAN'T go back to being that poor- willingly! You guys know I am the breadwinner in the house. He hasn't worked in 3 1/2 years. But now every other job I have mentioned is obsolete for him. We are living in this town and buying a house and that is it. He is very excited! And yet he is still down. And now I am in total panic! He doesn't have any grasp of money or concept of how to best use it. Before we were together he had many outstanding bills and would not pay things all the time. He had stuff repossessed took out way more loans than he could pay for. He would run out of food and literally not eat for three days until he was paid-then go to a restaurant on payday to eat because he was hungry and then be broke again. I am not complaining about this I am just explaining that truly I am in charge of the money because he honestly has NO concept!
So yesterday, I tried to chat with him about everything and nonchalantly let him know that of course this job might not come through, of course there is always a chance that we might not go there. He knows this but doesn't want to think about it.
Another job was posted in a town we LOVE close by here! It will mean about a 50% raise for me if I were to get it! And we would move there and we love it there. He would have completely and totally been happy with this until that fateful day a few weeks ago when my dad came over. He is still upset and I understand- he doesn't talk about it too much but every couple days he makes a "joke" about it and reminds me he can't stay where my dad is. So this town is about 70 miles away and he says it is too close. In reality if I got the job in this town I truly believe we'd both be so happy! Taking the financial stress off us completely, rather than adding a HUGE stress is in itself just makes sense. I even told him yesterday to get the "bug in his ear," that it would literally be easier for us to buy a house in that small mountain town he loves while we live here making my pay here AND paying our rent than it would to live there.
I am not sure what to do- you know when you say something to them and you feel like you have sabotaged yourself and ruined your day or week or month because of the mood you've put them into? That is how I feel now... like I have sabotaged myself by telling him of these jobs. I still would have applied and crunched the numbers but after crunching the numbers I just feel it might not work. He did however say he would apply for jobs the moment we got out there. And honestly, I believe him, BUT there are still so many questions. What if he doesn't get a job? How will we handle the money (we have always said he will hand is check over to me because of his bad spending habits- it is honestly like one of those diseases where people have to spend money like crazy)? But what if he still doesn't make enough to supplement? What if I am not happy in the snow? What if he is more depressed because of the bad weather (this is a huge one- we all know that weather can bring us down and he claims it doesn't for him but I saw him on the sunny warm beach all that week and he was happier than I'd seen him in FOREVER!)
Yesterday I told him that we should make a pact- that no matter where we live we should do Christmas in this small mountain town-just the two of us. I reminded him that here with all my raises I could afford to get a cabin for a week there if I start saving now and we could do a beautiful white Christmas just us two. He said thats nice but hopefully we'll just live there. I just don't want him to shut out all other options.
So, I am applying for the job in the town out here today- we go there almost every weekend and walk down the beach and relax and talk. It has been a really good pace for us and a great time each week! If I can get him there no matter his mood, he will usually at least talk to me. I know it will be different if we live there but still- it would be SO nice! And honestly 3 weeks ago he would have jumped on board!
One other thing that if I bring up with him will anger him so I can't- with his spending habits, as I have been making more money I can almost buy his contentment. I know that sounds terrible but it's true. He use to be so angry and I couldn't even afford to get him sandwich. Now, if something breaks we can replace it. If a new movie comes out we can see it! That was unheard of before and this is truly something that makes him SO much happier! I think it is just the comfort factor- like I say taking off that financial burden is HUGE! It only makes sense to me not to go to this small town. But what if the other side... what if he is happier? what if he does get a job? What if together we eliminate the financial burden?
Like I say, I just had to vent I feel like I shot myself in the foot by telling him about this job opportunity because now every other one I have mentioned is down the drain. I didn't even think of that when I said it to him. I just had to vent you guys... and clear my head more than anything.
Thanks again to all of you :)
As far as the town in the mountains, that would be nice, too. You are smart to think about the winters with the clouds, rain and cold. I think that played a HUGE part of my husband's depression. It could be a coinsidence that he is feeling better and the sun is coming back, he is on meds and counseling, too. But even I get a little blue in the winter. It is so cloudy all winter here.
Another thought... the thing with your dad, it is still a little fresh. Hopefully the pain of that will lesson with a little more time. Just apply to the jobs, see what happens and follow your gut instinct. It will all fall into place the way it should.
Thank you for listening and venting... it is something we all need. You are awesome!
I told you I looked it up after you mentioned cloudy days- its actually very sunny there- over 280 days a year of sun! It's just cold but I can learn to dress more warmly right?
And maybe the beach town is the place for us!! We'd definitely be good financially and we could then go to the mountains whenever we wanted :). That might be a great option!
I know it will all work out and be fine it's just scary. I've never moved far from my hometown so the risks make me nervous and excited at the same time! At least the climate in the beach town isn't scary to me but if I take it out of my head I can not be scared of mountain climate too :)
It's the $$ that's a bigger fear I think! But I guess we'll probably do the financial best for us and leave it at that :). Who knows if I'll even be offered anything really.. I just get annoyed with myself for my concerns and then on top of it his million fears and blind steps he will take all at the same time!
He tends to build things up in his mind. There will never be a problem in The mountains and everything will be great! I hate to ruin that if we're broke there!
Same thing with ba stuff- his mind makes it so much worse than it is and builds it into this terrible thing!!
Breathe- relax/ things will be fine I must tell myself this :)
So... I hadn't told him about the posting in the town here that will pay more and be great for us too because I thought he would shut it down quickly. The time seemed good and I had practiced how to nonchalantly say something... so I did. He took it and said that it would be the best choice for us! Of course we will try for all but to ensure we don't have money concerns or add money concerns makes sense. Newlywed you're right! I have to be happy with my decision and make sure we are taken care of! He doesn't know how to make sure we are taken care of, only I do. So... I will do that! We are going to apply up there and everywhere but we are going to make sure that we have everything squared away financially! We will do great! We must make smart decisions and this will happen. First step... getting all my applications completed this weekend! :)
I do know I am an enabler. I have thought of this. I know he comes from a mom who is a big time enabler too. So what to do?
I have thought as far as my getting a new job (which I want and want to move- I have since before him) but I have thought to ignore his requests and just do my thing only. Follow him if he wants to lead or have him follow me. That seems smarter to me. But apart of me says what if we do his thing and it works? What if he gets work? What if he's happy? What if he takes on the role of " man of the house" and brings in money and is responsible?
And what if he doesn't? We will drown out there no doubt about it! We will not make it at all and we will miss my old paycheck. But if he follows me how cani get him todo something and tobe happy? You're right, I know you are it has tocome from within him- but oh if hewould just be stinkin happy!