Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
I don't really know why I named this "keeping my calm" it is just what came out of my head because in all reality I don't feel as though I am keeping my calm well at all. But, compared to nearly two years ago when I first joined this site? I guess I am... I suppose it is all relative. :)
Well... last summer anyone who has gone back to read or anyone who comes back for a visit from back then... we moved. Almost exactly a year ago we moved out of our cheap tiny apartment that saved us a ton of money to move to his hometown... off we went. All our stuff in storage and to stay with his mom. I was offered a job last minute and it was awful with no insurance, we turned it down to come back to my good job here.
HIS choice!!! HIS CHOICE!!! I emphasize this because I truly left it 100% up to him!!! I told him I simply wanted to be with him and he said we had to come back because it is the smart choice (financially he is absolutely right). His mom was VERY angry we didn't move back to his home town- I posted this last summer called "worst night of our lives" still holds quite true, it was a very hard night.
Fast forward to present day... I have applied for a few jobs out near my hometown (near where we live) which are higher positions and will move us farther from my family. No word yet, he is beginning to panic. He is acting as though he CAN'T stay here any longer. I told him plain and clear that if we NEED to move he NEEDS to tell me. But he doesn't... I almost feel like he wants to leave me and that is why he won't plan this with me. He says he can't put me in the position of leaving my good job and all my hard work just to move him, but I tell him it is all nothing to me compared to being with him. I will work hard to give us a good position somewhere else if that is what we must do. I am okay with that. He is right about my good position- I am doing well in my current job- I was just offered two more duties at my job which are both more pay plus I have a raise coming in this month. We live in an apartment, can't buy a house, but are comfortable and on one salary thats pretty good. So... what do I do? I am trying so calmly to talk to him. What do we need to do? Can you be here? What would you prefer? How dire a situation are we getting to here? He says "its fine, don't worry about it." We used to often say we'd be together forever, lately I say "I want to be with you till we are old a wrinkly" he says "okay honey" or "we'll see" it used to be a hug and a deep look in my eyes saying he wanted to be with me forever and sweet things like that.
I just am scared with how he is acting and scared for us. I am trying to keep my calm. I am thinking of rational ways for us to move that aren't stupid and crazy. I am thinking of rational ways to make his life happier here. And I am thinking rationally about what do I do if he does decide to leave? I feel for thralkr here... there is nothing wrong with our relationship. But, how come leaving me is easier than staying here? It is sad :(
Doing lots of deep belly breaths tonight to stay calm.
Well... last summer anyone who has gone back to read or anyone who comes back for a visit from back then... we moved. Almost exactly a year ago we moved out of our cheap tiny apartment that saved us a ton of money to move to his hometown... off we went. All our stuff in storage and to stay with his mom. I was offered a job last minute and it was awful with no insurance, we turned it down to come back to my good job here.
HIS choice!!! HIS CHOICE!!! I emphasize this because I truly left it 100% up to him!!! I told him I simply wanted to be with him and he said we had to come back because it is the smart choice (financially he is absolutely right). His mom was VERY angry we didn't move back to his home town- I posted this last summer called "worst night of our lives" still holds quite true, it was a very hard night.
Fast forward to present day... I have applied for a few jobs out near my hometown (near where we live) which are higher positions and will move us farther from my family. No word yet, he is beginning to panic. He is acting as though he CAN'T stay here any longer. I told him plain and clear that if we NEED to move he NEEDS to tell me. But he doesn't... I almost feel like he wants to leave me and that is why he won't plan this with me. He says he can't put me in the position of leaving my good job and all my hard work just to move him, but I tell him it is all nothing to me compared to being with him. I will work hard to give us a good position somewhere else if that is what we must do. I am okay with that. He is right about my good position- I am doing well in my current job- I was just offered two more duties at my job which are both more pay plus I have a raise coming in this month. We live in an apartment, can't buy a house, but are comfortable and on one salary thats pretty good. So... what do I do? I am trying so calmly to talk to him. What do we need to do? Can you be here? What would you prefer? How dire a situation are we getting to here? He says "its fine, don't worry about it." We used to often say we'd be together forever, lately I say "I want to be with you till we are old a wrinkly" he says "okay honey" or "we'll see" it used to be a hug and a deep look in my eyes saying he wanted to be with me forever and sweet things like that.
I just am scared with how he is acting and scared for us. I am trying to keep my calm. I am thinking of rational ways for us to move that aren't stupid and crazy. I am thinking of rational ways to make his life happier here. And I am thinking rationally about what do I do if he does decide to leave? I feel for thralkr here... there is nothing wrong with our relationship. But, how come leaving me is easier than staying here? It is sad :(
Doing lots of deep belly breaths tonight to stay calm.
Standing on the other side, I can tell you that a relationship is a two way street. He owes you some effort in the relationship. I completely understand you sacrificing some of what you want in your career and life to try to make him happy. I know if I ever find myself in that position again, I'll probably do the same thing. But now as I think back, I wonder about all the concessions I made the last year. How I would take over the bulk of parenting so he didn't have to do it. How he could bow out of kid-centered activities. How I would take the kids outside or down to the playroom in the evening so he wouldn't have to hear them. But he was still angry. None of it made any difference, and now I wonder what kind of a life it would be if we continued that until the kids are grown. What kind of a relationship would we have? I'm still scared of being alone. I still wish things were different. But now I'm not so sure I'm willing to go back to what we were doing before, even if it means no longer being married to him.
So I guess what I'm saying is there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You can't see where the tunnel leads or what color the light is, but there is an end and there is a light.
I feel for you so dearly. I think we all have that feeling as depression supporters, that feeling of "why are you taking this out on our relationship? This is all inside YOU. WE are fine!"
You are just the one where he actually acted upon that, maybe it is for the better. Like you say, if he were still there and you were still bending over backwards for him and hushing the kids for him.... would that just be your life?
Honestly? That was my childhood. My dad was a school teacher and during the school year we were only allowed to whisper inside the house and we had to be outside the house all day. We as kids ate separately from the adults and mom kept us very far from dad when he was home and it was during the school year. Summers were different... he worked other longer hour jobs and when we saw him we went on vacation so that was fun. But all school year it was whisper inside, stay outside, go away for the weekends, Friday-Sunday at Grandma and Grandpa's. I realize now... it was because dad didn't want us around, we were irritating. He loved us, don't get me wrong, but he was not thrilled about children screaming and playing and rough housing. We had our own room and clothes at Grandma and Grandpa's, we lived there half the week. I realize my dad was depressed but did not realize that until recently. My mom recently described it as "waiting 30 years for dad to retire so they could be happy." Maybe had she realized that into year 2 she might have rethought her situation.
I say this because maybe your husband is similar... I don't think I could do it. In fact I often say that nope... mine is not like my dad for a VERY good reason! I could not have someone be rude to me like that and shut me out with ZERO conversation. Mine does outings with me and talks to me and LOVES me by SHOWING affection... things my dad would never do. I suppose we take what we didn't like as a kid and make sure we get what we want out of it as an adult :)
It's the darn process of all you're going through that I know must be so hard. I am so sorry for you that you're going through all this. I hope husband keeps coming around... I know they worry and yet they put us through this. Sometimes mine says he should never have been in relationships... He was meant to be alone. Maybe it's true but heck it sure put me through lots... I'm glad, id never change our time and I want to spend forever with him. But it's a selfish aspect the depressed have. They feel like they are selfless but truly they think about themselves and only themselves all the time- yeah it hurts us who love them.
Mine says at times that he has the worst life ever and no one could possibly be as unfortunate as him... What?! That's selfish... Hello people are starving, murdered, kidnapped, homeless... Yeah it could be worse...
I hope that yours makes things better, however it turns out in the end I hope that it is peaceful and you two will always care about each other. Angry situations aren't good for anyone