Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
I told you I've come to peace. I need a job- basic and simple. I have one. I will keep it until a new job comes along. We will move to his hometown with this new job. People filled with love and support for us are there. He needs this.
Today he decided we can't go there. We can't try and put all our effort into this because if I don't get a job and we have to stay, it wasn't worth the work. He wants to go out there and THEN find work and THEN find out how to live. I just feel I can't. I need security.
He said I have no faith.
I apologized and said I must be missing something... What is your plan?
His plan:
He has faith ill find a job
Me:
And what if I don't and we are out of money in two months- what do we do then?
Him:
Borrow money until you find a job
Me:
AHHHH!!!
I can't handle this!!! My plan makes sense! His isn't even a plan! I want to scream! I want to call his family and tell them our plans. I honestly think they'd support me and that would calm him.
I just am so angry right now
Today he decided we can't go there. We can't try and put all our effort into this because if I don't get a job and we have to stay, it wasn't worth the work. He wants to go out there and THEN find work and THEN find out how to live. I just feel I can't. I need security.
He said I have no faith.
I apologized and said I must be missing something... What is your plan?
His plan:
He has faith ill find a job
Me:
And what if I don't and we are out of money in two months- what do we do then?
Him:
Borrow money until you find a job
Me:
AHHHH!!!
I can't handle this!!! My plan makes sense! His isn't even a plan! I want to scream! I want to call his family and tell them our plans. I honestly think they'd support me and that would calm him.
I just am so angry right now
Hi betterthan,
I just wanted you both to know I saw this post. I am sick (just a cold, but illness is amplified with fibromyalgia), so I am down and out.
I will post to you in the next couple of days.
Just wanted you to know I am "here" and sending good thoughts and wishes your way!
I guess they just don't think rationally when they are in a depression? I think they also seem to look for an escape? So even though you are looking at moving and trying to do it in a rational way, that is planned and SMART, he is just looking for the relief he thinks he will find.
I agree with Betterthan, see if he can maybe find something where he wants to be. Make him a little more responsible in the plan of doing things in a thought out way.
All will be ok, you are smart and are thinking things though. Take your time. Do what you need to do to take care of you, that will be the stability for both of you when you do move.
Hugs to you!
Brownie - I agree with both newlywed and betterthan in that it sounds like he is trying to "escape" as quickly as possible and that it would be good for you to put more of the responsibility back on him.
This may be a moment when you have to let him know that you can not tolerate such a move if there is not some sort of financial security ahead of time. That is your call, of course.
This may come down to the old adage of taking care of yourself so you can take care of others. If you put yourself in a situation where your needs are not met you will not be able to help him meet his needs. How can you support him if you have no support for yourself?
I think we sometimes allow the DP to push us around some because we are so afraid of causing a "meltdown" that we give in to them all the time in spite of our own needs. This seems like one of those moments for you. Not sure if I am right there?
Please take care of yourself. You do a lot for him. Sometimes he needs to give back, depressed or not.
Take care. Keep us updated, please.
I have the same advice for you that I had for brownie. Take care of yourself in this situation.
It honestly sounds like he is staying because he doesn't know what else to do. That is not fair to you (or him, but we are talking about you). It is not your job to worry about where he will go or what he will do. He made this mess by staying in contact with his emotional affair.
I still am so sorry you are in all of this after the support you have given him. Maybe, though, it is time to make him take responsibility for his choices. Maybe a trial separation in which he needs to find another place to stay and a way to support himself? A little dose of reality should give both you and him an idea of what he really wants.
That is only a suggestion to think about. You are in such a tough spot and I feel for you.
Take care. It was nice to hear from you!
I have to agree with the others though, Id stand your ground on this one. It sounds like you have a good game plan that is logical and safe. Like the others have said, when a person is depressed they aren't as rational and will manipulate and rationalize anything to reach a quick resolution to what they think will make them happy. With any luck, hopefully you'll find something soon. Has he tried applying for his old job you mentioned before?
I have an update :)
I'll post it on a new thread :)
I just wanted to say thank you SO much for all your support and help :) You are all amazing people and I can't tell you how grateful I am to be apart of such a wonderful and amazing group! I feel truly so honored to be apart of you guys... we are a winning team all of us :)