Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
First time writing.
Feeling super angry today. Bitter & resentful.
Last night I came home and there were some issues that needed to be discussed right away. We've had a stressfull few weeks (outside influences, a death of an aquaintence of ours, etc) and his behavior lately in regards to keeping up w the house and the kids while I'm at work has been pretty bad. I was planning on just having a quick "let's keep an eye on this" conversation, but when i got home sh*t had really hit the fan this time in a big way.
I have a short fuse most of the time, I admit that. I really kept my cool considering his complete crappiness at life that day.
I asked him what had happened, what had made it happen. He gave his usual list of excuses, many of which were based on MY behavior and how they affect something, which affects something else, which affects his depression. Then he went on to say how he wasn't trying to blame me, but that's certainly not what it felt like. I don't know why it's impossible to take responsibility. It's maddening.
I tried to address the fact, as kindly as possible that being a dad required him to keep the kids fed & safe & clean & played with, that he wasn't doing all of these things and that regardless of him being "tired" this simply had to be done.
He works 1st shift & I work 2nd because our work forced me onto that shift & I hate it. We're trying to get me back on weekends to ease the craziness but our work is being consistantly less than helpful. If i quit, we wont be able to keep up w our bills, let alone keep saving money for our future, which we're doing great at right now.
I told him how helpless I feel when I'm at work, I know he's having a bad day, and I'm sitting there hoping he 's able to keep it together.
I work 40 hours a week, same as him, but I also do the vast vast majority of the house hold chores... I just feel like it's all on me ALL the time because he can't cope with the SAME amount of stuff i deal with all of the time. When he gets depressed, he lets everything around the house go to hell. I clean and cook while he's away at work & I'm alone with the kids, then when I'm off working everything I spent time to keep tidy is just wrecked & pointless.
Then on top of it, his problems are always some how my fault. When I ask him how we can solve this problem, the "solutions" he comes up with ALWAYS involve ME giving MORE so that HE can "get better".
giving more time for him to work out (WHICH HE NEVER ENDS UP DOING)
giving up more time so that he can spend more time w friends (WHICH HE ALWAYS ENDS UP ABUSING BY STAYING OUT WAY LONGER THAN HE SAID AND/OR DRINKING)
setting it up so he has less obligations (MAKING MORE FOR MYSELF)
All the while, I'm floundering and just expected to sit around and take it, because HE'S the one with depression. But he doesn't work at it at ALL.
Then the kids were particularly challenging this morning because they weren't feeling well, and woke me up super early, even though I stayed up late w them. I couldn't just take it easy either, because of the huge mess my husband left me the night before.
Once again, his depression screwed me over.
GRrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Angry. tired and angry.
That is all.
Feeling super angry today. Bitter & resentful.
Last night I came home and there were some issues that needed to be discussed right away. We've had a stressfull few weeks (outside influences, a death of an aquaintence of ours, etc) and his behavior lately in regards to keeping up w the house and the kids while I'm at work has been pretty bad. I was planning on just having a quick "let's keep an eye on this" conversation, but when i got home sh*t had really hit the fan this time in a big way.
I have a short fuse most of the time, I admit that. I really kept my cool considering his complete crappiness at life that day.
I asked him what had happened, what had made it happen. He gave his usual list of excuses, many of which were based on MY behavior and how they affect something, which affects something else, which affects his depression. Then he went on to say how he wasn't trying to blame me, but that's certainly not what it felt like. I don't know why it's impossible to take responsibility. It's maddening.
I tried to address the fact, as kindly as possible that being a dad required him to keep the kids fed & safe & clean & played with, that he wasn't doing all of these things and that regardless of him being "tired" this simply had to be done.
He works 1st shift & I work 2nd because our work forced me onto that shift & I hate it. We're trying to get me back on weekends to ease the craziness but our work is being consistantly less than helpful. If i quit, we wont be able to keep up w our bills, let alone keep saving money for our future, which we're doing great at right now.
I told him how helpless I feel when I'm at work, I know he's having a bad day, and I'm sitting there hoping he 's able to keep it together.
I work 40 hours a week, same as him, but I also do the vast vast majority of the house hold chores... I just feel like it's all on me ALL the time because he can't cope with the SAME amount of stuff i deal with all of the time. When he gets depressed, he lets everything around the house go to hell. I clean and cook while he's away at work & I'm alone with the kids, then when I'm off working everything I spent time to keep tidy is just wrecked & pointless.
Then on top of it, his problems are always some how my fault. When I ask him how we can solve this problem, the "solutions" he comes up with ALWAYS involve ME giving MORE so that HE can "get better".
giving more time for him to work out (WHICH HE NEVER ENDS UP DOING)
giving up more time so that he can spend more time w friends (WHICH HE ALWAYS ENDS UP ABUSING BY STAYING OUT WAY LONGER THAN HE SAID AND/OR DRINKING)
setting it up so he has less obligations (MAKING MORE FOR MYSELF)
All the while, I'm floundering and just expected to sit around and take it, because HE'S the one with depression. But he doesn't work at it at ALL.
Then the kids were particularly challenging this morning because they weren't feeling well, and woke me up super early, even though I stayed up late w them. I couldn't just take it easy either, because of the huge mess my husband left me the night before.
Once again, his depression screwed me over.
GRrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Angry. tired and angry.
That is all.
Mine is the same way when he is in the midst of a depression. He is tired, he feels we should have never been married, he has never been so depressed before, he won't get up from his chair when he is home. Meanwhile I am working two jobs, cleaning the house and running my son all over and still when the dog barks to come in I have to drop everything I am doing because he is tired and doesn't want to get up. It is SO frustrating... I just try to suck it in and do what I can and come here and vent, just like you did!
But when he says things that make it sound he is blaming his depression on me, that hurts. Especially when I am doing everything to make his life easier. Someone here said when there partner made remarks such as, "it is your fault I feel like this." or like mine says, "I feel we should never have gotten married." They reply with, "I'm sorry you feel this way." You know, it works. It kind of takes the power out of the hurtful statement and ends it then and there.
So, I hope things are better today... we are always here to listen to you vent!!
Something I learned with mine (of course all people are different), is that the more I enabled him and allowed him to get away with everything and blame his depression, the more I was taking away his accountability from him and actually making it worse. I just learned that I had to go about my request differently.
Something my husband and I started a few years ago was I created a calendar of sorts that told him what chores he was expected to do each day. Men already aren't good at seeing what chores need to be done rather they are depressed or not. Where women can look at a messy house and know what they have to do, it's not as obvious for men for some reason. My husband and I used to fight about this A LOT when I was working full time, going to school and trying to keep up with an internship, but I'd come home at the end of the day to a messy house and him playing on the computer. This was even before his depression got bad. His argument was always that he couldn't read my mind to know what I wanted done. While I would've been happy with him doing ANYTHING, he wanted to know exactly what I expected and when I wanted it done. So I created a very basic Monday-Sunday chart that had certain chores on certain days. Usually just 1-3 basic things at a time like "unload dishwasher", "take trash out", "litterbox", etc....
People always laughed at me over this but it actually worked! It took the task away from me of having to constantly ask him or take the time to write out a "honey do" list every day for him which would just be one more task on my plate.
When he got depressed, at first I completely ignored his list but eventually i explained that while I understood how hard it was for him to do anything, I still needed help. So we just minimized the list a little bit to just one task a day. Or I'd start a sentence by saying "I understand you're having a really hard time but I'm feeling really overwhelmed, would you mind doing a load of laundry when you get a chance?" Usually if I worded it in an empathetic way, I got a better response than if I said it in a demanding and angry way. I've learned through my reading that often people with depression thrive from keeping a schedule or still having expectations of them.
It's all trial and error as far as what you'll find to work for you and your spouse but that's what worked for me. I hope it helps, and I hope things get better. :)
So you know, I have been the (suicidally) depressed person and am now coping with a depressed significant other. I have a lot (a ton) of experience and counseling from both sides of it.
Blaming you - this is common in a depressed person. It is so much easier to blame someone else than it is to face the guilt and shame we feel over our inadequacies when we are depressed. This is not an excuse for doing it, just wanted to throw that insight out to you.
"Laziness" - I totally understand your anger and frustration at him and the situation. It is NOT fair. But, depression is actually a mental illness, can be serious, and can even become life-threatening. You probably would not expect as much from him if he had the flu or pneumonia or, heaven forbid, cancer. But it is so hard to see the illness in someone with mental illness, but it is an illness and even has physical components to it. You just can't see them. I am not saying it is OK that he is not pulling his weight, but I am saying he is truly ill.
Solutions - Next time he offers solutions, let him know you are not OK with adding to your already overburdened work load. He needs counseling and medicine. I would approach him as a loving spouse on this - if you can get past the anger - and let him know you are concerned for him, that you can see he is not feeling well, that going to a counselor and/or psychiatrist for this is the same as going to the doctor for an illness. If he won't do it for himself, maybe he will do it for you and the kids.
Also (and if you look through the threads here, you will see this is a common theme) if you can, try and get counseling for yourself. Not because you are ill or anything, but to help you understand his illness, find better strategies to cope with him, find ways to work through your own anger and resentment towards him, ways to communicate with him that he will understand, and to keep yourself from becoming depressed.
I truly empathize with you in this situation. And I can almost guarantee you that the anger and frustration you feel about it is less than the guilt, shame, frustration, anger, and sadness he is feeling right now.
I sincerely hope none of this sounds harsh. You are in a tough, tough place. We here all know how hard it is.
I sincerely hope it gets better for you (and him) soon.
Again, welcome! Vent anytime!
I have been dealing with a depressed spouse for almost 3 years. The first year and a half were hell until he was diagnosed and I was ready to pack my bags. After his diagnosis I was able to better accept his condition. The problem is that he is off work on Long Term Disability, I work full time, spend 95% of my home time looking after our soon to be 4 year old and it just never seems to be enough. I try to rationalize and tell myself he can't help it, but the long and short of it is that I am just a human being and can only take so much.
Take today for example. It is raining again, which means hubby is homebound and couped up (adding to the mood). I am busy at work and haven't been at my desk for much of the morning. Hubby had been trying to call me (never once leaving a message) and when he finally got a hold of me a few hours later, was very upset that I wasn't answering my phone. I get that he's lonely, I get that he's bored, I get that he's depressed, but I am at work. I do not have a job where I am always glued to my desk. Right from the minute I said hello there was attitude in his voice. He started arguing with me that at one point he knew I was on the phone when he called and that I should have called him back. The conversation got heated and yes while I am sitting in my cubicle with a neighbour within earshot. I got defensive trying to justify what I was doing, which of course only made him more mad. I have basically spent the rest of the day worried everytime I get up from my desk that he might call and I might miss it and he will be more upset. That is not fair! Work has always been my one escape, I love my job, I excel at it and know that for those 8 hours I am in complete control of my situation. Today, all I wanted to do was cry. Now I have not heard from him since our argument and I don't now if I'm being "punished" or if I've missed calls. I just feel like crying. I try so hard to be positive, to be his cheerleader, to be the "up" parent to our son. I am emotionally drained and physically exhausted.