Hi RobCinMtP,
I really understand how you feel. It is tiring to have to be strong all of the time. And I understand how hard the lack of intimacy is too - depression takes that urge away so I think a lot of people in this group can probably relate to that feeling. But remember, even though you can't "make her better", your support really is helping her. And remember to take care of yourself too, that's important and sometimes falls by the wayside.

Thanks Dweeze - I am trying to focus on my own health. I'm searching for a local therapist I can talk to (I don't have any family or friends I feel comfortable talking about this stuff with). I really appreciate the support here.

It's difficult. I've been there, and I pulled the rip cord. A year later I went back because I missed her so much. It's tough still, my girlfriend still has low days and I still screw up, feel alone and am made to feel like a piece of rubbish. The next day, when it's over she hugs me and I know that she doesn't mean it.

It's tough, I'm right there with you. Thank god we found this place.

Thanks for your reply sleeparchive. I think if I ever left I wouldn’t be able to stay away either. Most of the time when she isn’t doing well she is just quiet and appears lifeless. On rare occasions she says hurtful things; though I know it isn’t her talking. She does recognize that it is not easy for her friends and family, and sometimes talks about wanting to stop hurting and just give up. However, she insists she wouldn’t actually take her own life. Her lows have been more frequent lately and she is going back for a maintenance round of ECT treatments in a couple of weeks. Hopefully it will help; last time it did have an impact. I feel like a selfish ass for thinking about intimacy right now. She is battling this horrible thing and in my head I am wondering if I can live the rest of my life with a partner who doesn’t want to be held or touched. The most positive thing is our communication- we can tell each other anything without fear of judgement. We can talk about these issues and be open about it. No resolution comes of it, but the talking does help. And it helps me a lot to know that I am not alone; there are many others.

This is so relatable, Rob - my partner is exactly the same way. He is the most charming, fun-loving, funny, sweetest man.... and then at home it's like he's a completely different person - sometimes he can't do anything - he can't talk to me, touch me, doesn't even want to be in the same room as other people. I try to understand and support him but honestly it's so hard for me to understand if it's not laid out for me because I just cannot wrap my brain around how that must feel. But I know that my NOT understanding is so frustrating to him and his feeling misunderstood is a big trigger that makes his depression even worse. It's such a crap cycle. But I just don't know what I can do because I feel like I can't ask because that's annoying, but I don't know so I have to guess but I'm usually wrong at guessing what to do so I feel like that makes it worse... I just don't know.
But, I do want to tell you that I know you might feel helpless but you're not alone and it's also not your responsibility to help. It's hard to believe but it truly is not. You can do some things but ultimately it is up to them to get themselves out of their depression. You can support them but often my partner gets upset when I want to "help."
AND, I think one of the best ways you can support your partner is by supporting yourself and seeing a therapist. This is a hard road to travel on your own. Getting a therapist helped me so, so much.... it was truly life changing. And my therapist helped me feel more comfortable opening up to my friends and seeking them out for support too and that has made the biggest different. For a long time I felt like I had to protect my partner from my friends and family... I would make excuses when he didn't show up with me at parties and other events, I would never tell them about our life at home, the months when we didn't speak really, the months that went by without any intimacy... and honestly the toll it took was horrendous. You feel like you have no support and without support you can start to get resentful - even when you know it's wrong. So, I guess what I'm saying is... definitely look into therapy. :)

Thanks for your support, roseislajames! The thing for me that is positive is that when my girlfriend is not in a low she does talk about things openly. At those times she reminds me that there is nothing I am doing to trigger her depression, and that there is nothing I can do to get her out of it. Even though I know that, I struggle when it happens. I ask her way too much if I can get her anything or do anything and she gets a little angry. I can't help but let it all get me down a little and want to give up. The feeling usually doesn't last long though, and I bounce back. I don't have any local friends or anything, but her mom is a couple hours away and helps. Also, my 2 kids live with us full-time (13 and 16). We have talked with them (of course we didn't tell them about ECT or anything like that) so that they were aware that when she locks herself in our room for days it isn't something they did. They both have learned some in school about it, which helps. I am totally going to keep looking for a therapist - thanks for confirming that is helpful!

I can relate to you and also a lot of what roseislajames said. My husband used to talk to me about how he is feeling but now doesn't too much. He feels he is a burden and his thoughts are often about suicide. He is tried so many thing to get better but none of them work. He says I don't understand and part of me doesn't but there is a part that does. I have come to a place where I know I can't make him better and have told him that but I try to be there for him. I sometimes think I do too much (give his pills, fill out forms, etc) but if I didn't do them he wouldn't. It can be hard with younger children in the house where this cannot be explained. At least your children are older and you can talk about it. Many times my children don't understand why daddy doesn't play with them or do the things we used to do anymore. I think having a therapist is a good idea..I think this for myself too but don't have the time..I work 2 jobs (DH lost his job) and have to take care of the kids. Being strong is hard, I sometimes feel part of being strong is putting me on the back burner.

Hi there!

You aren’t alone. I have been on this site for over 5years now and reading and feeling connected with others who are also supporters.
Focus on you- that is my main focus when I am doing my best. Sometimes he does better and then when he falls I have forgotten my guards and my protections but focusing on myself helps both him and I. It makes me less needy of his affirmation that it isn’t me when he is down and it allows him to do what he needs and have me available when he is ready to talk or needs to talk. I tend to make it worse for us both when I don’t focus on me because I follow his moods and mirror them.

We celebrated 9 years last weekend and this is one of his lowest points, which truthfully is terrifying because you feel like you’ve already hit the lowest point and then surprise- there are new depths to be found.

But I know it’s not me, it’s this terrible depression he has. It’s his inability to separate from himself and his emotions and talk with himself about all the good. He is so negative and its been a downward spiral lately. You said people outside the home have no idea how she is at home because she is so delightful? That’s us too... my friends are surprised because he is so pleasant when we are with them and then at home for 6 days in bed with no talking or anything.

Together we started a healthy journey a few years ago, we ate well and exercised daily without fail and that helped. A lot! It wasn’t a cure and he still had downfalls but it helped! He has let it all go lately and I am trying so hard to get daily walks back into his routine but it hasn’t happened yet. I suggest trying that though for you two together if you can. I can definitely help.

You aren’t alone... just remember that

Thank you brownielove! Great advice on the healthy focus. When we met I was quite a bit out of shape and worked my butt off to lose 30 lbs. I felt so much better about myself. She still didn't want to be intimate with me so I got frustrated and threw in the towel on being healthy. It wasn't right - I should have kept on it for ME. I'm still trying to motivate myself to get back to it. Her down and negative days do bring me down with her some and at those times I eat. Of course it makes me feel even worse, so I know better. I can relate to thinking you've seen the lowest and then somehow it goes deeper; that happened recently. Luckily the last couple of days she is out and about (versus stuck in bed), but she is very distant. She does get annoyed that I'm always asking her if I can do anything for her and saying things with the intention of making her feel better (ex: "you look beautiful today"). Sometimes I just do it to have some communication and let her know I'm there and thinking of her. It does not appear to help though. I have got to get myself to a point where I don't need the affirmation or physical touch to feel whole or loved. Has anybody been able to successfully do that?

Haha!
Oh my... I so often here him tell me “you need constant validation!” He says it when he’s jovial and in a good mood- I know he doesn’t say it when he is in a bad mood (like today) because it truly irritates him.
We’ve been together 9 years and I still need the love. Haha!
BUT... for me the conversation cures it. He just can’t converse during these times. I mustve asked him 10
Times each in the past 2 hours if he is okay, did I do something, can I do something, do you want to cuddle, I love you...

Yeah, that’s allfrustrating to him at these times. so I am in the other room!
And you know what? I’m in here on my phone so I don’t eat! I lost over 90lbs, and up about 30 again. I am working on losing it and refocusing on my again!

I feel better when I am healthy and I know he does too... so anything I can do for either of us to focus on health is huge!

So... successful? No... but definitely better. I’m not crying. I’m in the other room and just trying to be calm. Ihopethat helps in some sense! :)

@brownielove - that helps a lot. I’m cool with grading on a curve;) Today she left to go stay at her old condo for a day or two. She texted me “I’m sorry I can’t really communicate well right now. You didn’t do anything wrong. I just saw, clearly, the toll this has taken on you. I don’t want anyone to suffer on my account any longer”. Of course it takes a toll on me, but I’m not giving up on us and want to be there for her. I hope she comes back home. And I hope she lets me be the one that decides what I can deal with.