Depression Supporters Support Group

This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.

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Is it worth it?

PeaceWithin
PeaceWithin

Hi, I'm brand new to this group, but I joined right away because I could relate so closely to everything I was reading here. I'm engaged to an amazing man, with (what I'm now figuring out) a serious depression problem. The first year of our relationship was great, we fell in love right away and I've seen so many wonderful qualities in him. However, things have gotten bad and at first, I tried many ways to just explain it away and make excuses for his behavior. For the past year we have been getting more serious, we bought a house and are planning a wedding.  I believe that the added stress of all that has really brought his depression to the surface. And come to find out, this is something he's been battling his whole life. 


I'm naturally a very positive person and I help people for a living. It brings me such joy and I'm also a firm believer in creating your own happiness. I want nothing more than to make him happy, but my failure in this is taking a toll on me. Consciously, I know that he's the only one who's responsible for his happiness. But I still find myself being drawn into the depression and feeling the effects of his moods. In the past year I developed alopecia (hair loss) and panic attacks. I know it has something to do with all of this. 


My question to all of you, after reading the stories and hearing about the many years of suffering you all have undergone, is it worth it? If you could go back in time, would you have still married that person? Even asking this question is very hard for me. I feel the strongest connection to him than anyone I've ever been with. My heart won't let this go, but I also fear that I won't be able to handle years upon years of this going through with the marriage. I'm so torn because I can remember how amazing we were together. I want that again, but maybe I'm not being realistic. This isn't my first relationship (I'm in my thirties) and also not my first relationship with someone who had a mental condition. I sometimes ask myself why I'm attracted to these people. But if I were to give this up, I'd be more devastated than I can comprehend. Thank you for taking the time to read this, this is my first time reaching out like this, although I also see a therapist as well. I am so thankful for all of you out there. 

Sofi
Sofi
You are not attracted to "these people", they simply are sometimes the sweetest ppl in the world, in my opinion, with the kindest hearts and so many good qualities. The way I see it is that depression very seldom catches "bad ppl" because they don't care about what they feel.
I do also have from time to time thoughts about what would happend if I leave, why it has to be us and damn I don't know if I can do it... but then I think this way: I chose him for a reason, all the good moments are almost perfect, we struggle through a lot but we still love each other and I have no doubts that I chose right. I read in someones post or reply here one important thing that when it is bad <he's eyes almost go black>, it's somehow like there is someone else inside of him, even his face looks different. So then I realize it's not him, but he is going to come back to me, even if it's only for a short period of time, he will come back.
But, this is how I think because I have the "not up-to-date" view on marriage and love. I am commited and unless he begins to use violence towrds me, I treat him like any other loved one (parents, siblings, children etc.) because he is my FAMILY and it doesn't matter to me that it's not blood that makes us family, love is enough for me. So i keep doing it and reminding myself that if it had been my child for example, giving up wouldn't even be an option... so simple.
I don't know if I help, but maybe I gave some different point of view. I hope all will be better.
NJ400
NJ400
No it is not worth it. Its like dealing with a child trapped in an adults body. Even if they heal, the fall out from the depression is crippling.
PeaceWithin
PeaceWithin
Thank you Sofi, your encouragement helps a lot. I agree with you that there is something very special about him and I've always been able to see that. And I also agree with what you said from another person, it's as if whatever takes over is not them, but a different entity all together. I don't see the depression as him, his true self is kind and wonderful. I think a lot of my fears come from him actually, bc I feel like he pushes me away.
PeaceWithin
PeaceWithin
NJ400, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm not sure my case is quite like that. I don't see him as childlike, but really just a lot of pain and extremely low self-worth. Which is definitely challenging to deal with sometimes.
NJ400
NJ400
H
NJ400
NJ400
Hi Peace. I am a career of my wifes depression/anxiety. I feel like the woman of the house as I all house work, cooking, shopping for kids clothes, making sure my daughter washes her hands and flushes the toilet, console my 6yr old who wakes up daily crying for no reason due to my wife mental illness. I do all of the loving, all of the supporting, all of the parenting, all of the smiles( unless she is not with myself and the kids), I have deal with the most silent deafening sex in the world and I am a 34 yr old stud but feel like a midget with the face of Seal the singer.

With that being said most of my comments will be to leave due me not having the strength to. Because I still love her. I don't know why and I know I shouldn't but I can't help it.
NJ400
NJ400
Now that I look back, I realized while I was complaining, I had know idea it will turn worse. But as I type I realize it was always this bad lol. I just was younger and had more patience and less seat time with her depression. There depression doesn't get worse per say. We do because we develop symptoms of there depression and they cant support us when we are down.
PeaceWithin
PeaceWithin
I'm sorry to hear that it is so difficult for you. Is she open to working on herself and getting better? I feel like if they are willing to try, even if they don't succeed right away, that's proof she loves you back. It's hard I think, for people without depression to understand what goes on in their minds. That's OK that you say leaving is a better option. For some that is probably very true. I think where it gets complicated, is when you love that person very much. Love doesn't make sense. I hope you are able to find the strength you need, to do what you think is best for you. I highly recommend counseling and therapy if you're not doing it already. If she's not willing to go, at least for yourself. Therapy is a place that you can find your strength again and not feel judged about the pain and struggle you go through with your loved one. Wishing you the best
NJ400
NJ400
That's the thing Peace. All of these things exist and she goes to therapy, and is on Citalopram. I
NJ400
NJ400
There isn't any working on herself with depression as it will only be temporary and myself and the kids will trigger her eventually. Her working on herself involves being in room binge watching crackle while I spend time with kids.

I know I need therapy even though this is just as effective in my book.
But when she not around and I am not a work, I am fine. I know for a fact I am better off but my kids won't understand it.

I need to go out on a date with a normal woman.
All_alone
All_alone
When I first met my husband he was amazing, fun,funny, spontaneous, kind, and the best guy I had ever met. But that guy is gone now... I have a different husband who is angry and cynical, anti social, and downright mean. He blames me and the world for all his problems. Marriage is about staying united in sickness and I health, but honestly if I could have seen how our life would be due to his sickness I would not have signed up. Every day is a struggle. Constantly walking on eggshells, worried about what might set him off next. Relentless talking and arguing about the same topics over and over ever day.... I honestly don't think I would have marriedd him had I known this would be my life. My positive attitude is slowly being sucked out of me, and knowing that breaks me heart.
virtuallyme24
virtuallyme24
Wow! Your story sounds exactly like mine. And honestly, I still don't have an answer for you. Ask my brain and it says NO. Ask my heart and it's silent. It can't make a decision. It's torn between days of hope and hopelessness. I have read quite a few books on the matter, too. Depression Fall Out is one of them. I can't remember the stats: but it's something like 80% of people who have loved ones with depression eventually suffer from depression themselves. I think there will come a point where your heart just shuts off and your brain takes over. Until then, come back here and read everyone else's stories to know you aren't alone. Sorry I couldn't give you a definitive answer - I'm in the same boat and it's one of the hardest decisions we'll have to make. Sending you positive thoughts!