Hey there,
By no means am I close to a therapist, so I won’t even try to leave advice.
But, I want to leave you with some words of affirmation and support. You are a saint. To be able to help others as your profession then go home to a similar environment ... that must be exhausting.
I used to be a teacher of the deaf and I learned something at a workshop (meant for teachers to keep in mind for students) that I’ve started to apply to my life as I’ve entered a serious relationship with a man with depression. You may have heard of it- it’s the “bucket theory”. Generally, everyone starts out with a full bucket of chips or coins in their bucket per day. Coworkers, peers, family, your job, or life circumstances can add coins/chips or take them away. You can also add chips/coins from your bucket to give to another person (especially in your job!!). A lot of times, by the end of the day, the bucket can be depleted and there is nothing left to give and people keep taking. I feel as though your bucket is depleted often.

As a dad and a husband, I’m sure it’s so tough to find time for yourself, which doesn’t give you time to add to your “bucket”.
I started meditating every morning to add to my bucket. There are so many apps (if you have an iPhone) that offer guided meditation! This is just something small that I do so I can at least start my day in the right mindset. I hope that maybe you can try to find something to help add back to your bucket.

Don’t forget how much you do for your family. You’re doing the best you can with the daily struggles you go through. ❤️

I totally relate to this. I work in a service field that can be hard and come home to someone who is often depressed. It is really hard and I found that going to counseling myself is needed and making sure I have a hobby that is mine and mine alone (running for me) and I practice mindfulness. Recently it has been really hard as the experience I've been going through in supporting her Is hard to quantify and talk about with her but I'm trying to explain to her the experience I have with her depression.

I’m grateful for the encouraging words. It is so hard to find time for myself when I’m not already thoroughly exhausted, but I know I need to try. I feel like this has entirely absorbed who I am. I don’t have any goals or dreams or interests anymore. My wife was my only test friend and now I’m in this odd caretaking role that has shifted our relationship. I miss having a person. Maybe I’ll just start with the mindfulness and relaxation skills I teach daily in my practice...

So much of your story, and the hint of the stories belonging to the people who have responded seem very familiar. You/we are caregivers, You/we are responsible. I'm not sure about you, but when I entered my marriage I thought I would have a partner, someone who would pick up the slack when I felt I just wasn't up to it any given day. But a depressed spouse doesn't provide that. What I have found is that the kids are fine with what you do for them. One responsive parent is better than none, and one is often all most children get.

As for the feelings of resentment, I too have been very troubled by them. In the past year some strong forces have caused me to make major conceptual shifts, which in turn have alleviated much of the negative feelings I felt towards my wife. I felt resentment and animosity when she didn't help, in even the littlest bit, when she wasn't there for me, (there are many ways we wish our spouse would be there for us), when I found myself doing most, or all of the domestic work in the family. This was all tied to an expectation (reasonable expectations for most marriages). But even when she wanted to, my wife was not able to meet these expectations, so she just felt worse and we became somewhat toxic to each other.

No amount of "discussion" helped. The only thing which has helped is surrendering my expectations. My mantra became, "I can't have what I want until I don't want it anymore." And so I don't expect anything from her really. I know she will not ask me how my day was, or fix dinner, or try to intersect with my life in ways other than the children. Because I don't expect it, I don't resent her when she doesn't do any of it. I find that we are not so toxic around each other, and I can still enjoy her life (she works and has some outside interests which she shares with me),

I still hope for more, but what I have now is better than what I had because I no longer have a lot of the negative emotions I carried. This is all a work in progress.

Thank you all for sharing. ALL of the sentiments describes my current situation. I am a father of 3 trying to balance family responsibilities ( cook, clean, laundry, kids to school, etc...) while trying to figure out how to support my wife’s depression. All day, even at work, I’m thinking of what else I can do ( for the kids but mostly to address her depression. I would love for e retime to share successes (of any size). Some things that have helped me is taking walks with my wife (weather permitting). Yesterday’s success was on getting her to be able to say she liked something: by giving her a massage. Me asking her if she liked it.
Definitely, I am feeling pretty tired both physically and mentally. At least she achnowledges that she has depression.
Some things we have tried: acupuncture, 5-htp, probiotics, and regulations diet.
Any and all other suggestions are GREATLY appreciated.
Sincere thank you.

Everything in your post resonates so strongly for me. I just found this support group and I'm in tears just knowing that I'm not alone. My wife is my best friend but sometimes it is so hard not to feel bitter and resentful at the toll her depression has taken on her relationship. I feel selfish when I think of my needs that are not being met.

There is strength in knowing we’re not alone. I’m not sure it takes away any of the pain or heals any of the heartache, but it blunts some of the sharp loneliness.

The negative myopia, blaming, pessimistic projecting, and hostile bias are brutalizing. Are we perfect or noble or without fault? No, of course not. I have to remind myself that it is depression saying those horrible things about me. It is depression that is breaking my heart. It is depression that refuses even my most simple acts of love, ignores my birthday and anniversary, and threatens again to leave me. It is depression, even perhaps now some of my own, that leaves me balled up on the floor in a fetal position, tears drenching the carpet, trying in vain to pull the ethereal knife of heartache and heartbreak out of my heart. It is depression that has not only trapped her in bed behind closed bedroom doors for days and weeks and months and years, but also to see every act of kindness, every encouraging word, every attempt at aid as some attack on her. It is depression that leads her to ignore all the sacrifices I have made and am making and will continue to make, focusing instead on those things I have as yet been “unwilling” to sacrifice.

I’m the one up every night with the babies, the one up in the morning making breakfast for everyone and bringing her oatmeal or an omelette just the way she likes it, the one doing laundry, the one cooking and cleaning, the one being both mom and dad to our kids. I’m the one relentlessly absorbing the kids’ anxieties and heartaches and sadness, the one calming their broken hearts and wiping away their tears time and again, assuring them that yes their mom does love them and that they don’t have to be afraid of me, even if they are afraid of her.

I have nothing left to give, but I keep giving it. I’m desperate for someone to love me back, for her to love me back. I’m aching for my friend and partner. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever get her back, and that thought alone rips the air from my lungs. I’m struggling to stay afloat, to keep working and providing and caring. I don’t have dreams anymore and don’t really have goals. I can’t make it through tomorrow, but I can make it through today. I have enough left for her and for my kids for today.