Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
The facts of my context. For about a year my wife has had very severe depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, and self-hate. We've had 8 hospitalizations after suicide attempts, but those are only the suicide attempts that got far enough that I felt certain I had enough information that the ER would admit her involuntarily. If we define "attempt" to just be "a situation that would have ended in her death if I hadn't been present to stop her" we're definitely past 70 attempts, not sure exactly how high, I've lost count. She is basically alive because I'm on 24/7 suicide watch. I can't get assistance because she vehemently refuses to have any contact with or be seen by or talk to anyone but me. She very reluctantly speaks to her mother for maybe one hour every other week or so, and is never honest with her mother about the state of things.
In the last year she's left the apartment voluntarily I think 5 times. She's been through a variety of mental healthcare provdiers of different kinds, and they eventually all tell me the same thing - it's very rare for a case like hers to improve. That a patient who won't cooperate at all and who does not want to change, is not likely to ever change. I've tried to pursue legal solutions to getting her care, but I've learned from lawyers and mental health providers that in my state, there's basically nothing I can do.
And I guess today I came to realize that I feel like this is terminal? Everyone but her has done everything we can do, to no avail. I've been trying, but I can't even get her to agree that if there was a "make me not depressed, anxious, and suicidal" button that she would want to push it. I've searched, tried everything. Tried every resource and every approach I could find. And I guess I don't think this is going to improve.
I think realistically we're just going to continue this pattern. I watch her like a hawk, send her back to the ER each time she manages to get a blade to her wrists, she'll lie and tell them everything is fine and she will *definitely* go to therapy this time, and they'll discharge her after 1.5 weeks, so the cycle can begin again. And this is just going to continue until one day I slip up and make a mistake and she dies.
So I guess I'm trying to figure out if it's even ethical to keep stopping her, if I no longer believe I can actually help? And if this is a terminal illness for her, I guess I need to start figuring out how people with terminally ill spouses deal with that. I am scared, and exhausted, and confused, and I can't access most forms of support group because I can't leave my home, and I can't talk about her out loud right in front of her. So I guess I'm hoping to find community here.
Moreover, if your wife has severe depression and being suicidal, then she must be given medications to ameliorate these conditions. When the psychiatrists decide she is a danger to herself, she will be medicated whether she likes it or not. If your wife is non-compliant and refuses to take medications, the meds will be injected at interval. This scenario only occurs when the psychiatrists decide that your wife genuinely has a mental illness, and that it is within their power to provide treatment to her, whether she likes it or not. But if your wife is in charge of her mental faculties, the doctors cannot treat someone whom they cannot observe the symptoms of mental illness.
Have you really asked your wife why she is depressed and suicidal? Do you think she is acting this way because she feels you are exercising power over her, that you have deprived her of her freedom, and that she has lost the autonomy to determine her own life, as such that the only power she has is to take her own life? Do you think your wife wants to end the marriage and wants freedom?
I am just an impartial observer here, and I am writing down my observations from what you have described.
Perhaps other people on the forum could give their thoughts on your matter.
To be clear, the diagnoses I mentioned earlier are not self-diagnosed or armchair-diagnosed by me. Those are the diagnoses she got at the hospital after her suicide attempts.
As for *why* my wife is depressed and suicidal, yes, we have talked about many many times at great length. We met about 5 years ago. Her first suicide attempt was 15 years ago. She had then about 14 years of being depressed and having suicidal thoughts, but they didn't become actions again until about a year ago.
Given the information I provided, I can see why a reader would assume that. But no, my wife does not want divorce. Our situation is such that she could have a divorce any time she wants, and she would be physically safe (except from herself) and well financially cared for. Her deep depression and suicidality predates my heavy-handed intervention by several months, and I've been doing my best to make sure I'm not stopping her from doing anything she wants *except* for ending her own life. If I had any hope that she could stop being suicidal by ending our marriage, I would try it. I love her and it would suck to be without her but I would sacrifice my marriage if it would save my wife.
Her desire to end her life comes from a belief in her own worthlessness that I would call axiomatic. Like, if you ask her why she should die, she'll say "because I'm a worthless disgusting freak who's never done anything good for anyone". If you counter by listing the good she's done for others and the people she's helped, she replies that "those things are worthless because they come from a person who is worthless. Something can't come from nothing.". And if you point out that the logic is circular, she gets frustrated and eventually falls back on some variation of "It's just obvious that I'm worthless. Everyone knows that." She has consistently stated a belief that she is not "meant to" exist - she believes that pets and loved ones around her have suffered misfortune because the universe is attempting to course-correct for the mistake of her not having killed herself successfully those 15 years ago. She tells me that if she doesn't kill herself then these bad things will happen to me and she'll have my blood on her hands Or that not killing herself will result in our cat receiving the punishment. After getting a diagnosis of psychosis, she suddenly stopped talking about this - she doesn't refute it, she just refuses to talk about the subject. Yes, she has been on various doses of various antipsychotics, no - none of them produced any difference.
Mostly as a meta-comment: In terms of what to do about my wife's condition: this is something I've had regular dialogue about with my wife's family, with 6 different psychiatrists of hers, with 3 different therapists of hers, with my own therapist, and with a lawyer. I've had a long time to hash these ideas out with experts of every stripe who have access to all of the details of her situation. I'm not here seeking advice on what to do about my wife's condition. I'm seeking community on how to cope with the feelings of having a spouse with a probably-terminal condition.
You were discussing in depth about your wife's issues and I respond as this is a public forum. You were discussing about medical treatment, medicines, treatment options, and legal options. Your discussion has triggered my response. If you think you have disclosed too much information, you are welcome to edit your post, or request the administrator to delete the entire post.
I agree with you that it would be terrible to admit your loved ones involuntarily into an institution to receive treatment for a psychiatric condition. Sometimes one comes out worse than coming in. One day, when your wife is in a psychosis and hurts someone, the state will take over to admit her involuntarily into a psychiatric institution.
There is a bereavement forum here on DS where people discuss about death, grief and terminal illnesses. Family members of sufferers often come on the forum to discuss these issues. Perhaps you may like to discuss your issues on this forum as well.
I really did think about going to the bereavement groups. I guess I worry about whether or not they are appropriate venues or whether or not I'm intruding on their space. I don't feel like I fit in in groups of people who have already lost someone, and the terminal-illness groups I'm not sure if those groups are even accepting of the idea that a mental illness can be terminal. I don't want to push my pain out onto others who are hurting by equating my situation with theirs.
Not many people visit this forum, but they frequent the "Depression" forum, where the discussions are more active. Perhaps you can cut and paste your post to see other people's advice about your dilemma.
Yeah, my therapist has been advising me to pull more people in as well. I will probably need to. I guess I have been trying not to involve the people who know my wife, I want to spare her all her friends knowing these things if she comes around and things improve. But I suppose if I am giving up hope of that, then there is a lot less to lose by opening up.
At the church, you need not discuss your doubts about things or whatever makes you non-church folk. Simply attend for a few times while learning how the church does "pastoral care" and then seek out their version of "pastoral care". This sounds like I'm asking you to take advantage of the hypothetical church; and I pretty much am. But please be assured that with a good church, these "services" exist to be consumed. How else can they help the hurting. There are people in this ministry that are literally hoping for the chance to help someone. I don't see much down side to giving them that chance.