Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
Hello all. I am new to the message boards, but am relieved to find this group. PS I JUST REREAD THIS AND IT IS VERY LONG. THANKS TO ANYONE WITH THE PATIENCE TO READ THIS.
First of all I'd like to be very clear that I love my husband, he has been my best friend and the love of my life. But he has not been himself, consistently, in years. The past year has been consistently terrible. I'm beginning to feel like more often than not he presents as all of his symptoms, instead of his true self.
My husband is extremely intelligent and accomplished in his career. He is a perfectionist and often, after a long, long day of demanding work, comes home and compulsively cleans. I am a clean person although I can be a bit messy, especially when we first got together about ten years ago. By messy, I mean, a couple outfits on the floor, some books out, and a few dishes in the sink. I do NOT do dirty, for example not more than one day would go by without me doing my own dishes or straightening up my clothes. By most standards I am very organized, but my cleaning never passes his inspection and he often will reclean what I have cleaned or he will compulsively clean, putting things away before I have gotten to use them, or doing the dishes before there are enough to run the washer.
I am often feeling like he cares more about the clean house, as a part of fulfilling his perfectionistic tendencies, than spending time with me. I almost always have to initiate hugs and kisses, and sex. I am a very physically needy person, and he used to be as well, but he is so withdrawn all the time now. He often stares off into space or just disappears into the computer or television. I decided about two years ago to significantly reduce my attempts to initiate sex, as his rejection was destroying my self esteem. It was better for me not to try so much because I would often cry myself to sleep after months of no sex and trying lingerie, music, candles, etc., and nothing working. We do have sex occasionally and we have amazing chemistry. But that is very very rare. The FEW times he initiates it is often for a quickie and I end up kind of feeling used as an outlet, instead of the incredible bond I used to feel. I still don't ever say no as I miss him so much, but it has become a rare occurrence and significantly less enjoyable for me in the past year.
He suffers from severe anxiety as well, which makes it hard to talk to him about anything, because everything upsets him. He only sees the negative. Any small thing can ruin his night, or his weekend, or his entire week. I know we all have bad days where we feel moody- but this is his everyday. It is rare that we have two days in a row without his withdrawing.
I often feel like I am being punished for something, such as not having all the dishes clean or the laundry done, because he'll come home and do chores and give off this angry vibe, refusing my help when I offer. I do not have children, but I do work at a professional job. When I first come home, I like to take a couple hours to decompress, cook, read, or watch a show. Normally I will (I should say I WOULD, since he always beats me to it) do day to day cleaning up after dinner, and then major things like all laundry, sweeping, wiping down of bathrooms on the weekends. I think that is appropriate. My husband will often do EVERYTHING, cleaning for a couple hours, immediately after going to work. As far as I am aware he does not have any issues with germs. It feels compulsive for the sake of compulsive. For example, the cleaning doesn't end with the house, he will often do yard work, clean the cars, and then start "organizing" or "sorting". I often feel he wants to sort of keep moving, in order to keep dissociating from any emotional interaction. If he is cleaning, or watching television, there is no need to talk with me or be emotionally intimate.
I really miss my husband. Every day at look at our pictures from before this cloud of depression and negativity. I cry a little almost every day.
The love of my life is suffering and I don't know how to break through. For years I tried to be understanding, patient and empathetic. On the other hand, I feel like life is passing us by. I try to go out with girlfriends about once per week to get lunch or do our nails (I don't drink or party), I love my job, and I have developed routines on my own after work. I enjoy music, my dog, my books, my shows, and cooking.
There was a short period of a few months where, after working a full day, I would obsess about making the house spotless in the hopes that he could relax the moment he got home. This meant I did not get to relax at all after work but I thought it was worth a shot. But that did not work because he would reclean or disengage in other ways, and that would make me angry. I don't feel I should be angry at someone who I know is sick.
I am honestly trying to cope with some very real feelings of anger. I try to be a positive person. I know life is hard but I feel in my heart that we are extremely blessed and fortunate, and most days, when I am on my own or with my friends or coworkers, I feel happy.
I hate admitting this, but I often feel that he comes in the room when I am happy, humming a tune cooking or laughing with a friend on the phone, that he comes in and sucks all the air out. I also want to say that he is never aggressive. He does not name call or criticize me or yell at me, ever. But I think that is part of it. It is all very internal, and I feel like I am being punished with the silent treatment. I never know why, or if there is a reason, or if that is even what is happening. After so much time, I am beginning to feel angry. I am beginning to feel like I resent it when he comes home. I feel guilt for this because I would never leave my husband (unless obviously if he became abusive which is just not in him at all). He is a great provider, very brilliant, very funny, and extremely loving when he is not depressed. But he is depressed and riddled with anxiety most days. That's what makes this so hard. I know there is this one in a million person inside, but he's put up this wall to keep me out and I don't know if I can ever break it down.
He either sleeps a lot, or does not sleep at all. I often wake up alone at night, and cry a little because I wish we were together. But again, after months of trying to bring him back to bed and him being resistant, cold, or flat out refusing, I just hug my dog and go back to sleep now. I feel incredibly lonely at times and very sad that I am just at the point of trying to ignore it and accept it. But so many parts of my life are happy, and I don't think allowing myself to continue to feel consumed by this helps either of us.
He has seen therapists on and off, but refuses to go consistently or to take medication. We are of the age that if we are going to have children, we need to do it in the next couple years. However, I don't feel like I want to deal with raising a child alone emotionally (I know my husband would always provide financially in addition to my income, again, part of his perfectionistic tendencies). I think I'd rather not have kids and just be with friends. I'd love to have children but feel complete without any. I love my career too. I think this would all be too sad if there was a child feeling the same rejection I feel from their dad. At the same time, again, a part of me feels sad and angry I am giving up the idea of having children because I love kids and think I could be a pretty good mommy someday. I don't know if anyone else feels this way about children. I'd love to have them, but not if that meant putting them and myself in a negative situation.
I'm sorry this is so long. I just could really use advice on this point. I want my marriage back. I feel so alone in this marriage. I got married because I wanted a partner, and I chose my husband because I am in love with him. But I don't feel like he is in love with me at all. Every once in a blue moon he will look at me with this sad look. I know he is sorry on some level that he has become this way. But not sorry enough to be consistent with treatment or to take medication that he has had prescribed to him. I think I could accept this as my life, resign myself to the reality of this relationship. As I've said, I have my health, my career, and my friends. I'm not going anywhere, I made a vow and intend to keep it. But am I right to try to move forward with my life? Is there something else someone has tried that has worked? Any advice is much appreciated.
First of all I'd like to be very clear that I love my husband, he has been my best friend and the love of my life. But he has not been himself, consistently, in years. The past year has been consistently terrible. I'm beginning to feel like more often than not he presents as all of his symptoms, instead of his true self.
My husband is extremely intelligent and accomplished in his career. He is a perfectionist and often, after a long, long day of demanding work, comes home and compulsively cleans. I am a clean person although I can be a bit messy, especially when we first got together about ten years ago. By messy, I mean, a couple outfits on the floor, some books out, and a few dishes in the sink. I do NOT do dirty, for example not more than one day would go by without me doing my own dishes or straightening up my clothes. By most standards I am very organized, but my cleaning never passes his inspection and he often will reclean what I have cleaned or he will compulsively clean, putting things away before I have gotten to use them, or doing the dishes before there are enough to run the washer.
I am often feeling like he cares more about the clean house, as a part of fulfilling his perfectionistic tendencies, than spending time with me. I almost always have to initiate hugs and kisses, and sex. I am a very physically needy person, and he used to be as well, but he is so withdrawn all the time now. He often stares off into space or just disappears into the computer or television. I decided about two years ago to significantly reduce my attempts to initiate sex, as his rejection was destroying my self esteem. It was better for me not to try so much because I would often cry myself to sleep after months of no sex and trying lingerie, music, candles, etc., and nothing working. We do have sex occasionally and we have amazing chemistry. But that is very very rare. The FEW times he initiates it is often for a quickie and I end up kind of feeling used as an outlet, instead of the incredible bond I used to feel. I still don't ever say no as I miss him so much, but it has become a rare occurrence and significantly less enjoyable for me in the past year.
He suffers from severe anxiety as well, which makes it hard to talk to him about anything, because everything upsets him. He only sees the negative. Any small thing can ruin his night, or his weekend, or his entire week. I know we all have bad days where we feel moody- but this is his everyday. It is rare that we have two days in a row without his withdrawing.
I often feel like I am being punished for something, such as not having all the dishes clean or the laundry done, because he'll come home and do chores and give off this angry vibe, refusing my help when I offer. I do not have children, but I do work at a professional job. When I first come home, I like to take a couple hours to decompress, cook, read, or watch a show. Normally I will (I should say I WOULD, since he always beats me to it) do day to day cleaning up after dinner, and then major things like all laundry, sweeping, wiping down of bathrooms on the weekends. I think that is appropriate. My husband will often do EVERYTHING, cleaning for a couple hours, immediately after going to work. As far as I am aware he does not have any issues with germs. It feels compulsive for the sake of compulsive. For example, the cleaning doesn't end with the house, he will often do yard work, clean the cars, and then start "organizing" or "sorting". I often feel he wants to sort of keep moving, in order to keep dissociating from any emotional interaction. If he is cleaning, or watching television, there is no need to talk with me or be emotionally intimate.
I really miss my husband. Every day at look at our pictures from before this cloud of depression and negativity. I cry a little almost every day.
The love of my life is suffering and I don't know how to break through. For years I tried to be understanding, patient and empathetic. On the other hand, I feel like life is passing us by. I try to go out with girlfriends about once per week to get lunch or do our nails (I don't drink or party), I love my job, and I have developed routines on my own after work. I enjoy music, my dog, my books, my shows, and cooking.
There was a short period of a few months where, after working a full day, I would obsess about making the house spotless in the hopes that he could relax the moment he got home. This meant I did not get to relax at all after work but I thought it was worth a shot. But that did not work because he would reclean or disengage in other ways, and that would make me angry. I don't feel I should be angry at someone who I know is sick.
I am honestly trying to cope with some very real feelings of anger. I try to be a positive person. I know life is hard but I feel in my heart that we are extremely blessed and fortunate, and most days, when I am on my own or with my friends or coworkers, I feel happy.
I hate admitting this, but I often feel that he comes in the room when I am happy, humming a tune cooking or laughing with a friend on the phone, that he comes in and sucks all the air out. I also want to say that he is never aggressive. He does not name call or criticize me or yell at me, ever. But I think that is part of it. It is all very internal, and I feel like I am being punished with the silent treatment. I never know why, or if there is a reason, or if that is even what is happening. After so much time, I am beginning to feel angry. I am beginning to feel like I resent it when he comes home. I feel guilt for this because I would never leave my husband (unless obviously if he became abusive which is just not in him at all). He is a great provider, very brilliant, very funny, and extremely loving when he is not depressed. But he is depressed and riddled with anxiety most days. That's what makes this so hard. I know there is this one in a million person inside, but he's put up this wall to keep me out and I don't know if I can ever break it down.
He either sleeps a lot, or does not sleep at all. I often wake up alone at night, and cry a little because I wish we were together. But again, after months of trying to bring him back to bed and him being resistant, cold, or flat out refusing, I just hug my dog and go back to sleep now. I feel incredibly lonely at times and very sad that I am just at the point of trying to ignore it and accept it. But so many parts of my life are happy, and I don't think allowing myself to continue to feel consumed by this helps either of us.
He has seen therapists on and off, but refuses to go consistently or to take medication. We are of the age that if we are going to have children, we need to do it in the next couple years. However, I don't feel like I want to deal with raising a child alone emotionally (I know my husband would always provide financially in addition to my income, again, part of his perfectionistic tendencies). I think I'd rather not have kids and just be with friends. I'd love to have children but feel complete without any. I love my career too. I think this would all be too sad if there was a child feeling the same rejection I feel from their dad. At the same time, again, a part of me feels sad and angry I am giving up the idea of having children because I love kids and think I could be a pretty good mommy someday. I don't know if anyone else feels this way about children. I'd love to have them, but not if that meant putting them and myself in a negative situation.
I'm sorry this is so long. I just could really use advice on this point. I want my marriage back. I feel so alone in this marriage. I got married because I wanted a partner, and I chose my husband because I am in love with him. But I don't feel like he is in love with me at all. Every once in a blue moon he will look at me with this sad look. I know he is sorry on some level that he has become this way. But not sorry enough to be consistent with treatment or to take medication that he has had prescribed to him. I think I could accept this as my life, resign myself to the reality of this relationship. As I've said, I have my health, my career, and my friends. I'm not going anywhere, I made a vow and intend to keep it. But am I right to try to move forward with my life? Is there something else someone has tried that has worked? Any advice is much appreciated.
everything you have said or are saying I have or am feeling. I would love if we can help support each other
Sunday, I have decided I need to change myself before I can help him. I was dwelling too much on the "old us" instead trying to bring him back to me, which in turn was causing most of my sadness, espcailly when I was rejected. He refuses to get help, he thinks he can beat this on his own.
I began reading emotional intelligence, it speaks a full chapter on married couples, I highly recommend this book, it gives a bit of a better understanding on how you can channel your emotions.
This change will be challenging but I know it'll work. And I have started blogging about it as well, if you would like I can send the link over. :) For the first time in a year and a half, I have gone a whopping 4 days without crying and for the first time in what seems forever, I felt that connection (a small one) but it was there.
What I have been doing
- I started taking these all natural pills called focus formula with 2 vitamin D (wal-mart) everytime I would think of something causing my sadness I was able to push those negative thoughts out of my head and staying focused on that goal
- Trying to stay in a overall great mood, ignoring the fact that he is withdrawn, quiet, doesn't want to talk kind of mood (HARDEST PART)
- I ran to the door to greet him with a kiss, and big smile, and how was your day
- I talked happily about my day and all the positives about it, avoiding any negative talk
I must say the very next day he looked at me a little different, that's when I felt the small connection. I am very hopeful now that our husbands aren't lost forever, we will find a way to bring them back to us :)
First, I want to tell you that you are not alone! You need to know that, the peace of mind that knowledge has brought to me over the years is HUGE!!!
Now, in addition to that... Reading your post was like reading one of my own. The feelings, emotions, and overall fear you're feeling at the loss of your partner is awful. I have felt them for years and continue to feel them today.
I too am quite needy, you'll find it to be a common feeling here on this board :).
I've been here over 2 years now and there are times I wonder what I would've done without the support I have here. I also feel much like you, I won't give up and i won't leave. That isn't an option, it is an option for many people here and I more than understand why! As time goes on there are fewer and fewer people who have made their relationships work throughout all this time. It is scary.
We are also at the age where if we were going to have children, the time has come to at the very least discuss. However, I have resigned myself to no children. I CANNOT have a child in this relationship! I WILL NOT! I just couldn't emotionally handle all that would bring. I recently saw a quote that stated something along the lines of "love can not survive on the past". Meaning we need future. For this I thank Lost for her post... She gives some great tips which I needed to remember myself as I actively work at this.
It is a job that will never end, this I know. The problem can be when you feel as though you give non stop and they give nothing.
Those silent times when they simply won't respond or answer us... Ugh! Those are the worst!
All this to say you aren't alone, truly reading your post is very similar to my feelings.
Now, to help provide maybe some insight?
I am the clean one of the two of us... So I can help explain your husband I hope. It is very hard for me to sit and relax when there are a pair of shoes in my vision, I will simply pick them up and put them away. Then if I see the dishes need to be done, I do them. I feel on edge when things aren't done and I'm doing nothing. That being said... Spending time with your partner (you in this case) is not nothing! But... I know mine will sit and watch tv without a word for hours at times... There is no way I can join in on that, it means I will fall asleep quickly. However, when we are actively engaged in something... A game, a conversation, cooking together, a walk, an errand... All of that will take precedence over the cleanliness. I will immediately do anything to actively engage him in my life. I'm sure you've tried tons of things, but maybe try something this Monday different. Suggest you two take a nice stroll outside, or inside at a local mall if it's too cold. Suggest a board game that requires discussion. If you don't have one, suggest a trip to toys r us to look.
You may have tried all these and I apologize if so... But I know sometimes I read something that just clicks to me, even if ive already heard it (like Losts post :)
she gives great tips I will definite try and retry. :)
This is a hard road we travel as depression supporters. But I believe we are given what we can handle. I couldn't take many things in my relationship, but this I have been able to do for over 6 years. I will be honest I'm not at a point where I can say I'm "going strong" right now. But I have my ups and downs with how well I can take this too. These days, I feel like my best bet is crawling in bed and hoping it's all different when I get out. But I won't back down, I'll keep truckin!
I'm here if you need to talk, the more posts the better :). It's always nice for us to read what others are going through :)
Hugs!
It's a battle that has it's ups and downs.
I know for me I just pray for more ups than downs.
I'm at a point where I just don't know what to do...so I thought what the heck I'll Google support for spouses with depression and ultimately found your blog or post.
Sorry that you have to go through this, I have to say reading your post nearly brought me to tears the only reason I didn't start crying was I was afraid I wouldn't stop. Everything you're writing about sounds just like me and my husband.... Except for the cleaning part he does not obsessively clean all he really does is get lost in the TV or his iPad games. And the medication part we haven't done any of that but we have an appointment in a few weeks he's willing to go get help which is nice... But the thought of medication scares me I've heard so many bad stories about people on antidepressants :-/ And just like you I'm not here to bash my husband he truly is the most amazing man ever and he worked hard for our family... He's just sick he's dealing with an illness and I need to remind myself of that, He's just been struggling with depression, and I think it's been for a lot longer than I realized, he naturally has a down-to-earth very peaceful relaxed personality so it's hard to tell when he's feeling depressed or just being himself at times, been like this since he was a little boy! We got married a year and a half ago and probably about seven or eight months ago is when I really started noticing the depression.
And the part of sex was a big deal for me too I've had to stop asking for it because the rejection has been worse on my self-esteem... So I totally understand where you're coming from on that aspect and truly felt like I was the only person going through this like why doesn't my husband want to have sex with me and it's just so lonely!
Sorry for ranting about my situation, I don't really have any advice or anything right now I'm trying to figure it all out myself so I just wanted to say hi, and thank you for writing your story it does help to not feel so alone.
My husband doesn't clean, though. He doesn't really do anything except go to work and sit on the computer. It's been going on for years. He's been on meds, but has made little effort to excersice or do much else to fix the problem.
It's been a slow, slow decline. And he's been dragging me with him. I had to quit my job because he couldn't handle the kids while I'm at work. I do all of the housework, and am the main parent. Sometimes I feel like the only parent.
He and I have always had an easy time finding laughter when we step out of routine. I feel like I find the old him easily when we get a sitter and go out. He is my best friend. I love him so much. I am so lonely for him. I really relate to what you said about being kind of needy physically. I too have resorted to taking what I can get in the bedroom.
Recently he has admitted to me he's been online gambling and stocks. He's lost a sizable chunk of money, including what he had so far in my daughter's college fund. I have taken over our finances now as well.
I was already fighting feelings of resentment. The gambling, I feel, has crushed me, and what was left of my resolve. He has betrayed me, and my trust.
I am feeling hopeful one minute, then hopeless the next. I feel like I've lost something. And like I've been tricked into marrying someone horrible who somehow pretended to be my soul mate.
I have made it clear that these next few months are critical for our marriage. That I don't demand he get well, just that he do his best.
I have been working w him to turn things around. Excersice. Go to gamblers Annon. Stop gambling. Sleep reasonable hours.
But he still resists sometimes. Argues w me about control of the money. Tells me he needs me to give more because he's too tired to help w a.b.c. or to get to the gym today.
Lately he's been skipping meetings and the gym.
When he does these things I feel bitterly angry and don't want to be near him. The past two weeks he's commented on how poor my mood has been w him.
I can't lift my spirits for him lately. He walks in the door, and goes up to take a nap. Then whines when I rouse him, waits for dinner, tries to talk me out of him going to the gym...
...it sickens me.
That I'm begging him to just please try, and his efforts are so little.
He won't do it for me or the kids. I don't know if he can't, or won't.
I don't know what to do next, except demand he be in therapy.
And hope that soon I might be able to speak w someone about my building resentment and dispair.
Depression completely robs the person of a joyful and productive life, and has profound affects on those around them. When in the throes of depression, it is not that we don't want to care, we just do not have it in us to care and engage in life. That said, medication can do wonders to help those with depression and without it, many only get worse. Medications often have to be adjusted as our bodies change. Stress and addictions can greatly affect depression. Whether the depression is because of the addiction, or the depression helps to spur the addiction - if you work on recovery from the addiction, the depression can often be lessened.
Often people that are depressed/anxious will get addicted to something, whether it be drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, gambling, food, etc. because when we engage in our addiction the seratonin and the dopamine levels increase and we feel better for a short period, until the reality of our addiction sinks in and the depression takes over again. There are medications that can help the seratonin and dopamine levels, leveling out depression and physically decreasing the need to raise those levels with addiction. Of course that is just a small piece of the puzzle of addiction.
Anti-depressants are nothing to be afraid of and have saved many people that are depressed, clinically depressed, those that suffer from mood disorders, etc. If someone is as seriously depressed as what I am hearing here, then they are cheating themselves and their loved ones from a possible happy "normal" existence if they are not seeking out medication and/or therapy. There are those people that medication does not help and my heart goes out to them and their loved ones. But to not try is heartbreaking to me. Mindfulness is good for compulsive disorders and Cognitive Behavior Therapy is proving helpful as well.
A word of caution to the loved ones of someone that is depressed, if that person is spending alot of time on the computer or phone, I would check it out and try to rule out any addictions such as porn or on-line gambling. Often we disassociate and isolate ourselves when in the throes of addiction.
Also, in my therapy, my therapist has told me that they are finding that depression, anger, as well as addictions are often inherited. If a parent suffers from any of these, then there is a great chance children will too. Especially if there is any traumatic event in the person's life.
I wish the best to all of you and I applaud for staying with it. Take care of yourselves by getting help yourself, whether through a 12 step group, therapy, etc. Your needs are important as well!